Something very bad just happened.
An old uncle of mine.. my father's mother's sister's brother in law, Nari Uncle, passed away today.
It came as a shock.
He was old.. but relatively healthy and quite mobile, making it for almost every family function.

How did he die?
From an accidental fall apparently.
But cops found his blood on the wall and his body is badly bruised.
And he was not alone.
There was another present at the scene.

This man, his sister in law's brother's son, had been staying with him, uninvited and unwelcome.
I don't know where he is from, but he came down to Bombay and plopped himself in Nari Uncle's small one bedroom that houses two old invalids because its free bed and boarding.
He would fight with Nari Uncle everyday.
Nari Uncle even told my father on Tuesday that he had beat him up and that he wanted the man to leave. When my father said that he would get him out and call the police Nari Uncle said to give the man two days to leave on him own. After all he was family.

Next thing we know Nari Uncle has passed away. The cops suspect something foul. Invetigations are underway and the post mortem will reveal more.
The man told the police that the bruises were caused when Nari Uncle beat himself up. He said that Nari Uncle was beating himself while crying out 'stop beating me' to give the impression to the neighbours that the man was beating him.

I hope it was an accident. I don't understand how someone can kill another person.
I wish my father had done something about it earlier.

When Nari Uncle apparently had his accidental fall, the man called an Ambulance to take him to the hospital. The doctors in the Ambulance said that he was dead and that there was no point taking him there. They then asked for their money and the man refused to pay.. making the ambulance wait for 2 hours till my mother got there and could then pay them off.
That after staying and eating for free for weeks.

The neighbours saw the ambulance and came to investigate. After a while he shooed them off, locked the house with the dead body in it, and went off for lunch, leaving the body in the house and the ambulance below the house.

Its not normal behaviour.

xxx

My parents are still there. I think that the police are going to take him in tonight. We'll know more when they do an autopsy.

I am extremely insecure about my relationships with people. Ok men mostly.
If they do not call for a while.. I think that I must have behaved terribly the last time we had met and now he must not want to meet me anymore.
It does not help with my mother constantly asking me why that person hasn't called to meet me.
Yes why? that makes me think.

No.
I am not going to complain about my mother.
Im in a rush.

But what I want to say is that everytime im feeling low like this... I think that atleast some kids in my class must like me. I know they must.

Even if they trouble me and do not listen at times.

And that's ok.. because even i have troubled the teacher. If we were only friends they would have never troubled me.. but i am not supposed to love in the classroom.. i have to teach. I do love them.. but i have to be strict.

What happens to us?
How do we go from kids who love so easily.. and who show love.. to us.. not showing love and making life overly complicated for no reason.

Ok maybe im being idealistic.. kids can be cruel too.. ask mahesh(docile child).
I just have it good coz im older and kids love older people.
Ok forget it.. no conclusion.
The end.

One of the volunteer teachers, Jenny, had invited the rest over to her place on Christmas for snacks.
She's made 4 different types of cake-plum,fruity,marble and chocolate, and even made the ice cream and wine herself.
Besides that she made xmas snacks unique to the christians in India- curl curls(called kal kals by the hindi speakers), curled (surprise) cookies, sugar coated or not, coloured or not,
kopra (coconut) something,
date rolls,
marzipan and nankhatai.

I felt full just looking at all the food.

No i've decided.. my birthday gift to myself is going to be to make myself eat better.
I realised that maybe fat people on diets eat more than me.

xxx

I've just been watching movies all the time.. I should really study.. I have an exam on the 2nd.

I was going to complain about having a lot of free time.. but i won't.. what if one day i don't have any free time and i hate that even more.
You know what they say about being careful about what one wishes for..

xxx

My brother just sits on Facebook the entire day. I should not pass judgements.. i watch movies the entire day.
My main point is that we don't even talk.. he only finds his friends interesting.. i guess that is normal.. he tries to speak as little as possible..

xxx

Why do people always bitch about other people? Oh that mother is bad and that family did this and look at how those people bring up their kids..

I think we just need to feel like we're better.

But we're not.
xxx

You know, whenever you go like 'I can't understand why a person would do that' its only because you don't know the real reasons. You don't know enough..
You can always understand why a person acted as they did..
Why?
because we are all so similar..
if u can't understand why, you don't know the real reason.. the world and its people are very simple to understand.. everything can be broken up into the basic.. because everything arose from the basic.. from practical solutions to problems encountered on a daily basis.

Secret Santa seems to have really caught on with the 'Sushi Set'.
Thats what im going to call them from now on. (If someone steals it, know that I said this first)

Who are they?

They are my friends, and me I guess (with more things).
Young, urban, cool, daddy's money.

Not living south of Juhu/Bandra.

Discerning, perfect english, american graduation.

Multiplex audience, Zara, FCUK, Mercedez, BMW, Blackberry,Wine, and ofcourse... Sushi.

Neo-spiritualist, off beat.. offbeat movies, hair, music.
American pop culture and pop counter-culture.

Branded in taste with money.
They fascinate me.
As I see globalised evolution before my eyes.

xxx

I must really stop eating cake.

So it is Christmas eve.. and as you can infer.. I am at home.
I was out.. for my uncle's bday party.. but that doesn't count.
And I don't care.. I have no desire.

xxx

I cannot take off the ring.
I actually understood the whole point of a ring you know.
The whole point of a ring is to remind you of the person who gave it to you.
It makes you feel special.
So I will never buy a ring for myself.

I want more rings.
We all want more rings.

One of my students, Ali, gave me a ring today.
Its a child's ring, tiny, and the stone has fallen off it.
It only fits my littlest finger.

Its one of the sweetest things anyone has ever given me.

Kids keep on bringing flowers that they've plucked on the way to school and sweets.
Ali must have wanted to give something too.
Giving gives them happiness and a sense of pride.
They are not able to give often.

You must envy me now.
Teaching is a profession that can make you feel very good about yourself.

xxx

Today was the last day of school before the Christmas break.
The kids got to eat wafers and Rasna with their khichdi.. and we gave them cake and 2 buiscuit packets to take home.

There were some teachers who had come from the Podar School. They performed this skit and there was a Santa who gave all the kids towels. I guess the NGO committee decided that this would be the most useful thing for them.
The BMC teacher told them, "Now that you have a towel make sure you actually use it and have a bath everyday."
Many of my students do not look as if they do.
I don't blame them.. the toilets must be pretty bad.
But then who keeps them dirty?


The kids were very happy with all the gifts.. and they went a little mad with all the sugar. Although my class was better behaved than Division A.

When presents are distributed, my children behave.. because I always threaten to take the gifts away if they don't.

Yesterday I took the sweets from the naughty kids and gave them to the quiet ones just to make a point.

I still think that they don't take me seriously enough.

xxx

They were all dressed up today.

xxx

Buramhi, with the mental problem, decided to paint her nails red and put a tikka on her forehead with the red paint provided to paint stockings.
Her mother got angry.
"Why don't you hit her when she does things like this?"

How can we hit her?
I whack her lightly at times.. but firstly.. you can't really hit someone.. and secondly it does not work with her. She has a problem. She turns into a crying, angry, biting, hitting ball of fury when you do that. The best way to handle her is to ignore her provocations, be firm and understanding with her. She wants love.

Yesterday she bit a teacher. The BMC authorities have asked her parents to take her to KEM hospital for a consultation. The BMC provides free facilities and help for children with learning disabilities.. atleast on paper and at our school.
But the parents don't want to go. They refuse to accept that she is not normal.

My phone works now. But I still don't have an outing.
xxx

Tomorrow is the last day of school before the Christmas vacation. We are having a party. Some people are coming to perform a skit.

Yesterday the bollywood actor Ajay Devgun visited the school and donated biscuits and things. One of the Teach India volunteer teachers is his friend or acquaintance.

I accept that I am not perfect.
That is ok.
I cannot get upset about the things that are not so good about me.
There are a lot of things that are good about me.
I should accept the imperfect and try to improve it.
But not as a maniac. I will be at peace with myself.
I will be realistic and not over critical.. as that makes one touchy and painful to be with.

One of the nicest things to do in the world is to half-sleep while thinking about the party you went to last night.
It was a good party because I met friends from the modelling past.

It was at a farmhouse in Madh Island. The theme was Casino Royale. The place was actually done up with the theme and everyone actually dressed up. Which is nice because it makes it much more fun.

It was a good excuse to wear this gown I own, which I could never find an occasion to wear. I was having a fat day.. and gowns are perfect for them. My red dress did not fit me.. not because I am fat.. but because I was a smaller size when I bought it.. but it resulted in dressing up auge.

Everyone was really sweet. I was surprised. I think I should be in better touch with them. They really seem to like me.

The birthday boy used to be really overweight.. but then he had a gastric bypass.. and I was schocked to see how slim he's become.
S has also become very thin.. but that is because she broke up with her long time BF.

My friend's film producer made her get him and his friends along to the party. One of his friends is a banker at Standard Chartered who has done his MBA from MDI. 6th or 7th best institute in India. That's really good. But I didn't like his attitude.

He must be smart.. but he's not the only person in the country capable of getting into a good institute. He was very boastful and patronizing. And then he wants to dance with me. Which is sometimes, as in this case,really just an excuse to position yourself close to the lady.

I told him that I didn't want to dance(First time)
Not this song(Second time)
Not with you(Third time)

and other variations.

Why does he have to touch me.

And don't people get it. I thought he would feel slighted and ignore me after the first time.. when I left him on the dance floor.

xxx

Why do I want the player to look at me. He's not even that good looking. Just very alpha male. Just that, otherwise he is not my type at all. The first time I met him I thought he is a sweet, simple guy. He held my bag for me the entire time at China House.
And the next time I saw him.. my god.. he looked like a Hip Hop video.
He's an actor.
Do I like celebrity's? How tacky of me.

xxx

Someone stole my phone from my bag last night.
We think its a klepto.
When I was modelling, people would flick make-up, phones, high heels and even lingerie.

That stupid Vodafone said that my new sim card will take 24 hours to activate. It is going to ruin my social life.. so close to New Years.

The english tutor at my class is so insulting.
He makes the class feel like imbeciles. If we knew everything why would we come to learn. Obviously he knows everything, that is why he was employed.
He has a really bad attitude problem.
I hope I do not insult my kids.

I have a feeling that I think I am smarter than I really am.
I am not as smart as the smart people I associate myself with.
I seem to be smarter than I really am.. which means that im really just a talker.

I did not get shortlisted for IIFT.
What if I don't get in anywhere.
I will get into some stupid college in Maharashtra..
And I will hate to attend it,
but I won't have a choice.

I have no reverence for grammar. I like doing what I want to with the english language.

Yesterday i'd gone for my cousin brother's engagement party. His grandparents had thrown it for him in the garden of their lovely penthouse in Malabar Hill.

Random thoughts:-

* You may appear to be snooty, even if you are not, if you wear expensive things and don't smile much. Like some of the aunties present there.

* Marriage Marriage Marriage. I told my parents that I want to be a playboy.

Mother- "If you say that you don't want to be married it means that you will get married very soon. Look at your cousin Deepa."

"Why would you wish for something I don't want."

Father - "You are denying it a bit too vehemently."

"Am not. And means nothing."

Why do parents think that all their progeny wants is marriage and that happiness/social scceptance equals marriage.

I don't know what I want. But I know that I am just becoming ok with the idea of not getting married.
All said, I would always study opportunities if they presented themselves.. but I don't want my parents asking around for me. Never ever.

xxx

There was this guy whom my mother was thinking about for me,
"He's not so rich. Into advertising in NY. But he has family money. Nice bungalow in Chowpatty. But smokes."

Before any further conversations could take place, we got news that he's engaged to a girl he met in NY. Indian from Delhi. He is moving to Delhi and is going to start afresh there.

Met his father last night. Told us boy is riding a bike in Argentina. Will be in S. America for 3 months. Lost wallet. Girlfriend going to the rescue.

xxx

Father identifies himself with son. Wants to be seen as dashing and dangerous.
"If my son is anything like me, I pity his wife," he proudly says.
Wearing a purple Gap sweatshirt.
Identifies himself as being young.

xxx

I am still to get used to the fact of seeing uncles drunk and talking more than they intend to.

xxx

There is nothing wrong with uncles and old people telling you that you look good.
But it can be a little strange at times. Maybe in the family party context.

xxx

I ranked 18 among fellow students in Maharashtra in a CET simulation test conducted by my class. Its good.. but nothing to be too happy about as there will be more competition.
It could mean that I have done not too badly in exams conducted previously.
Or it could not mean a thing. I could have done really badly.
Expectations are dangerous.
I thought I would do well in other contests, but I didn't.
So I won't expect anything good.
That is safe.

(If)I will go to.. MET college(not really great).
But it will be ok.

Vineet's father is the Juhu Beach lifeguard.

xxx

My brother's friend was telling me a funny story the other day.
In Mumbai, you have Gujurathi colleges, Sindhi colleges, Christian quota colleges, etc.
What this means is that the college was originally set up by donors of that particular sub-caste and speaking that particular language to uplift and benefit the younger members of their group.
Till date the government allows the college a certain percentage of caste quota.

My brother's friend is a Gujurati (Varna-Vaishya,Traders) and had gone to apply for admission at a well known Gujurati college, Mithibai.
As he was waiting in line at the counter, a fellow Gujurati girl asked him.
'Science?'

'No'

'Commerce?'

'No'

'Pachi kya?' (Then what could you possibly be applying for?)

'Arts,' he says.

'Acha...
Drawing ma saru che?'
(oho!, so ur good at drawing?)

I went out sailing on Sunday. My friend is a member of the Boat Club.
It was a racing yatch, Beneteau, the one they use in the olympics. I helped put up the sail and steer. It was fun, though quite leisurely, not sweaty and adrenaline-ey, which is more my type.
Effort, pain, fear.. makes me happy.

After sailing we went to Starboard at 'The Taj Mahal' hotel for a drink and then to the 'Zodiac Grill' for dinner.
Look at my luck.
There is God, I will vouch for it, and he really likes me.
My mom has always told me that.
He's good to me.

So I had cognac for the fisrt time, Hennessey.
It was so lovely neat. It made me realise that the cheap liquor i've been drinking all this while is absolutely vile. The only decent drinks i've sipped in my life are JD and Henessey. The rest was rubbish.
I mean.. the taste is so different.
Its unfair to price it so high and make the world drink rubbish.
Anyway..

I also had scallops for the first time.. they taste truly divine. My current favourite meat infact.
I like seafood except for fish.
Scallops, lobster,oysters, mussels, clams, prawns..

So Zodiac Grill is highly rated. That night the food was pretty, but ok tastewise. My scallops were amazing but that is because scallops themselves are amazing.

Food is not like liquor. It isn't necessarily better if its more expensive.

Amuse Bouche was camembert in some sort of wafer with cranberry sauce. Fine
First course was Asparagus and Camembert souffle. Pretty but ok on taste. The souffle tastes like scrambled egg white.

Then onion mini croissant.

Palate cleanser of pink guava sorbet before the entree.
Mine as I mentioned was scallops in a butter sauce, I think.
I didn't look at the menu much. It scared me because it said caviar and foie gras and had no prices printed alongside.
(My father later told me that the women are given a different menu always, one without the prices. Thats worse anyhow.)
My friends had ravioli with strawberry foam and a fish. I didn't try.

Dessert was creme brule and kahlua mousse. I didn't like them. Brule was sugary.

They also kept petit fours, mini desserts on the table, mini tart, macroon, chocolate cake, not nice.

I prefer the food at Indigo, which is the only other place i've eaten sort of European food.

So thats that.
Don't despair about food if ur middle class. But despair about the alcohol.

A friend asked me if I could be with one man only.
At one time, I could.. but do I want only one man.. forever.
I don't know.. I can't answer that. My thoughts are too muddled.

When I was younger I was so sure that that was all I wanted. Maybe im too scared now.. maybe i've become too much of a rover.

I want to be a playboy. Not the bunny.
I don't know if I cannot(like 1 person), or that I am too scared to like only one person always.

We don't like one dish always.. we don't like one decor always.

I don't even want to think about kids. I don't know if I want them.
Maybe I 'feel young', you know, because as my mother often reminds me, im not.
But i've not even dated enough people.

Choice. It all come down to choice. We want everything in 5 shiny metallic colours.

If you are not interested in someone.. you should just tell them straight away that you are not interested in them right?

Men don't like that.

But what else can you do.. you have to say it.

Why should I be impressed by someone's Mercedes S class.. that too when he's asking me if I know what it is. Irritating. But anyway, why will I be impressed?
That he has a 3 bedroom apartment of his own in Bandra..

First of all-
How will it benefit me that someone else own's these things. Someone else own's them.. not me.. He's not going to give it to me.. or do the men want to make it seem like they can buy expensive things for me.. stupidity.. expensive things are usless anyway..

Second of all-
His boasts reveal that he could be too rich.. if he thinks that owning a Mercedes or flat in the suburbs is impressive. Although thats not the point.. just a dig at him.

Very often I find myself feeling that there is nothing more left to see. Yes I may do things that I haven't done before.. but how different are they anyway. I fail to see the point of existing. But I exist.. because I am scared of death and existing is what is expected of me.

I just don't find anything worth looking forward to.
I have a lot of fun when I go out.. I feel happy when I travel.. but all this is momentary.. and not all that different.

I don't find myself getting attracted to anyone anymore. I did not know it but I have become so scared of attraction that I vehemently avoid it. It makes me squirm.

I have put all my bets on work. Maybe when I have something to do.. something that occupies me the entire day, I will not feel like this. I will be too busy working. Maybe work will make me happy.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared of intimacy. I don't know why.. suddenly..

I know that it must be pretty irritating to read about someone cribbing over unimportant things like their insecurities, but to the cribber itself, its an inextricable part of their present consiousness.
So please forgive.. if not understand.

I fear that I really have fallen. One never knows how one looks. But one does not like one's recent pictures. One is hoping that they are just bad pictures. One hopes that those scars of recently bygone pimples will vanish off the face of one's face.. to leave it unblemished as before.

The pedestal is beautiful..
was beautiful.

Im thinking of maybe still putting on some weight. Maybe my profile will look better then.. less jarring.
Im not going to the dermatologist again. Im scared of putting anything on my face. The pimples have only just gone. I can't even say that this is unfair because i've enjoyed not having any pimples all these years.. but it is painful.

So I shall now hope that they are bad pictures and that those marks will go.. somehow.. with time..
I will work on everything else.. hair, teeth..

And thats it.. bad can be made better.. i will be in a better place.. so what if im not there now.
Studies are good. But I need to buy my house and I hate Bombay real estate rates.. they are killing my dream. I will need to buy a house in Delhi.
Or maybe im just going to be somewhere else.

Before doing anything on FB, we all think about how we will be perceived by our 'friends.'
We don't always right the truth.. we write what we think will work with others. Something that is tried and tested, similar. Its safer.
What if someone thinks that we're wierd or stupid.

I am absolutely fascinated by FB. Its my Amazon rainforest (I wont say Galapagos since im modest). So many things to understand.. so many revelations to be made.. now that the place has already been discovered.

Its an open invite to allow someone to know how you want to be percieved and thus accertain your personality on the basis of that.
Did I say its truly fantastic.

I was searching for my cousin, XY on FB.
Found one XY.
Is it her?
Could be her, if not for the picture.
Profile could be anyone's.
Everyone's.

If not for the picture.
Picture could be someone's.

xxx

See, we all want to be the same.
Or we all want to be different.. in the same way.

xxx

We still are different.. with unique experiences.. but we tend towards homogeneity. And thus we can be categorised and sold things.

The aunt who had come to visit from Manhattan.
She's a stroke victim, completely paralysed from the right side of her body.
She lives alone.
Her italian husband Victor, is a Parkinson's patient and lives in a home. She obviouly can't look after him being a invalid herself, but she visits him almost thrice a week.

She visited because she wanted to make one last trip to India to meet all her relatives.
One last trip before she leaves for Switzerland in June, where euthanasia is legal.

She's decided to stop living.

She told me that she and her husband had discussed this and were supporters of a pro-choice stance.
Ofcourse this option is closed to Victor uncle now, since he is not of sound mind anymore.

What do I feel? What do I think?
I don't know.
Does it mean that she is not happy?
I wish I could have made her happy.

Does it mean that she is in a lot of pain?
Is she afraid that she won't be able to look after herself for much longer and thus wants to die before she becomes completely helpless and this option shuts down for her too.

Yes, this makes most sense.

It still feels strange.. to have a date.

xxx

I wonder how the center is there.

xxx

When I spoke to Vineet's mother about his homework she said "Oh let it be, anyway we are sending him off to the village next year."

"School?" I ask.

"Over there only."

Vineet is not going to be literate I think.

He already is literate actually, since our government define literacy as being able to write ones name in any language.. and still we have such a large illiterate population.

And Vineet has no clue.
He told me that he wants to become an actor.

I don't think I did too well for my IIFT entrance exam last sunday.
I don't think I took the exam seriously enough because I had heard that it was easier than the CAT and i've already done the CAT - so I thought that this would be ok, since that was ok.

But it wasn't.
It wasn't easier and the format was entirely different, which took time in getting used to, time that could have been better spent answering more questions. Also I did not find out what the sectional cut offs were, or how many questions I should ideally be attempting, so I did not have any strategy. Strategy is often the most important element in these papers.

The exam also had a GK section and I really have no GK. I rarely read newspapers..
Can you imagine that they had a question asking us which states come under National Highway 7 and 5. What rubbish.

I want and hope to get into a better college so I didn't take this seriously. But this is a top B school and the only ones better than it are the IIM's and XLRI. If anything I had a chance to get in here.. one level lower and I even screwed that up, I think. Now i'll have to settle for something worse.

I may even get through, who knows, if everyone else somehow did worse than me.

I went for the party on my own yesterday and im glad I did.
I met people.. passed my time without worrying about how to pass my time.
Going out is a good thing.
You have something to look forward to the entire week, and then something to think about the next week.

But I was thinking.. what if ur married.. do u still look forward to going out. Is is still exciting.. you are bound to each other and to a social code of behaviour.
I suppose there are merits and demerits.
Merits are, as my parents often remind me, that you will not be lonely in old age and with other married friends.

My parents had gone for a holiday to Uttarakhand. We were in Delhi already, and my father always feels that it is prudent to take advantage of the distance one has anyway travelled in order to explore. Last time when there was a wedding in Baroda, my father drove the family up to Rajhastan. My father loves travelling, especially when it involves a road trip.

They are coming back today. I don't mean to sound mean, but its been quite peaceful here without them, my mother particularly I guess.
Why was it peaceful?
No one to tell you what to do, less noise. A true democracy of equals.

Yesterday my maids extra spruced up the house.. for arrival of the leaders.

xxx

I did not go for the holiday becausen I have an entrance exam to give tomorrow. But I could have gone, considering that I did not even study. What a waste!

xxx

Remember the messaging guy, (refer to 23rd Nov).

After all forums of messages remained unanswered, he smsed again, twice.
Asking whether I was awake.

I wasn't. And anyway no answer.

Then telling me that he wanted to ask me something.

I think its a trick.
What could he possibly want to ask me that he can't ask any of the people who reply to his messages.
Or google and wikipedia.

Really.

So I think its a trick.

He will either ask me something stupid or berate me. Maybe he's even read this blog.

So why should I answer.
And he's making me feel guilty, and immature.
But he should get it.

See I feel like im being unreasonable with him, but what is the point of meeting him when I get irritable.

I could try not getting irritible, but i fear that is beyond my control. Something sub-conscious.

What should I do?

Nusrat, from my Senior KG class has decided that she wants to marry Amit, another student.
Amit is probably the best looking kid-male.

Meanwhile Vivek and Pratiksha are in a relationship.

I don't know why I am finding this so fascinating. As if I did not know which guy was attractive or not when I was young. I don't remember how old I could have been.. but I was young, and I knew.
So why wouldn't any other kid know.
We forget how we felt and then we get surprised.

We forget because these feelings are allowed for little kids and then prohibited for little older kids, often by accompanying emotions of shame and ridicule, in India atleast.

So we forget that kids can feel these things.

Kids also find fairer people more beautiful. I've noticed. Maybe its social conditioning.. already working to full capacity.. or maybe its something innate.. im not one to know.
But I do know that they like fairer people better.. when they are young.

And some smart people analyse things so much.. I don't even know how they got to what they are talking about.. and how that unrelated thing was hidden in the object of discussion.
I feel that things are very simple.. they mostly just are what they are.

Zadie Smith (writer/columnist) thinks that my generation is preoccupied with being liked. That the utmost desire of people from my generation is to be liked by others and that is reflected in our behaviour on FB.

Its sounds euraka-ey, but tell me, doesn't everyone want to be liked. Didn't my fathers generation care about being liked.. about being socially successful. Im not sure if there is anything so unique to it. What do u think?

We project ourselves more than any other generation, because we have the tools to, but I think everyone has always waanted to be liked. Why then were those ancient figures of history books so obsessed with immortality and the like.
They wanted to be remembered.. in a good way.
Paintings and obituaries have always been flattering.

Yes!! My kids are finally beginning to get afraid of me!

They listen and take me seriously.
Yeah!

Its 5 a.m. Im not rising early.. im not getting any sleep.

I'll tell you what my problem is.
I partied for 2 and a half nights in a row, half denoting half a session.. and it made me recall how much fun it is.
Im like really nostalgic right now.. I loved partying.. I waited expectantly for each Fri night.. it kept me going through the week. Its like there was something to look forward to.
I loved it. I want it. I feel like its my solution.

Maybe im romanticising it. True, it did get a little boring towards the end.. but I think thats because the group broke up.
I liked to go partying with a set of my female friends.. and I don't think it was as much fun when I went with others.

And now I don't hang out with them anymore.. so I just want.. and don't do.
Maybe I could just call them.. but what can I even say.. "Lets party," like they'd probably think im strange or sumin. But its not a bad shot.. what do I have to lose. We could all have fun.

xxx

I know it now.. i've just been miserable because i've not partied. I liked to dress up, go out, meet people. Its my element. I felt taller partying than I ever did on the ramp. On the ramp I had my place.. junior model.
While partying all is equal..

xxx

Anyway, I don't know when I will go out next. I hope I can convince someone to come out on my bday in Jan.
Yes Jan.. well u give me a solution.

There is a friend's bday on Sunday. I didn't even think of going becaue I didn't know who to go with.. an I would feel rather odd if I went alone.

So.. you know what I did.. I asked one of those old girl friends whether she was going. She may think its strange of me. But we were good friends right..
We could both be friends again.. she might also have fun..
Or she may not want to be friends.. and then its ok.. but one must try to get what one wants.

xxx

I also don't remember how we stopped being friends. But I miss it.. those were fun times.

You need work.. and you need to party.

I hope in my MBA collge there are like hard core party people who are my friends.

Hope.
xxx

And to make things worse im listening to music.. after ages.. i'd stopped listening to english music because I didn't want to waste time.
I said.
Maybe I didn't want to be happy.

But now I did.. and its making me sad.. because its putting desire in my heart.. desire for things not easily attainable..

I know partying itself promises mirages. You are expectant but nothing ever happens. You won't magically find love or happiness like the songs that are playing in the background promise. But you can look good, get compliments, flirt, dance and feel good about yourself.
And that if anything, is as good if not better.
Because even love has a shelf life.
But,
Partying is forever. :-)

I'd gone to Delhi for my cousin brother's wedding. Surprisingly I had a lot of fun. I had forgotten how happy a journey to another place can make you.
Especially a journey where you meet a lot of people, especially of the young attractive kind.

My wedded cousin's sister was married last year. There were more or less the same people at the wedding. Yet last time I got bored.

This time I mixed. I interacted, went to have fun.. and actually had fun.. effortlessly.
People even liked me.. a lot.. much to my surprise and pleasure. I don't mean to sound wierdly immodest but its the truth. They really did.

I suppose I am charming.

xxx

My life will be wonderful. I feel like if u give me something.. I will make something.. I just need to be where the material is.

I will work. I will travel. I will meet people.

xxx

All my relatives are so smart.. from IIM's, Jamnalal Bajaj, IIT's, MIT's, an aunt who's an ambassador to Belgium, and then nothing (as yet) me.
I won't match up unless I get into a great college.
I know I don't need to.. but it would be nice to, wouldn't it.
I do hope we share some of the intelligence governing genes.

I have different forums for saying different things.
There are many things I can't FB about.. but I can blog about them.. because I don't think many people whom I know personally read my blog.

I don't use Twitter because I can't bother opening another website.. and micro blogging is unsatisfying. I am a rambler.

So basically.. if u sms me, asking me to meet up and I don't reply..

and then u sms me again asking me whether I didn't want to meet, and I still don't reply..

and then u message me again on FB informing me that u have messaged me and wondering whether "I am ok"

It is truly funny.. but congratulations.. u have infallible self esteem.
Ofcourse I must not be ok.

xxx

And we've done this before..
You smsing.. me not replying.. then u messaging me on FB asking me whether I have gotten ur sms.
And me even telling u that I have.
"So?" u said.
To which I did not reply.
xxx

Maybe I did send out mixed signals.. about wanting to be ur friend..
I was confused.
I was wondering whether I was being too hard on you because I do hate men who like me and stupidly think that I like them back.
So I thought maybe i'd be objective and try and like u like a friend.
But I can't.. I find myself arguing with u and u don't even notice my crabbiness.

I decided not to be friends.. I don't want to be friends.. even though I don't have many friends.

I tried being friends only because I was wondering whether im socially autistic.
But screw that.

xxx

See u don't tell a girl that u've both been flirting with each other unless ur Hugh Jackman-hot. Women don't like that. Women flirt. Period. They get their way. They don't like you. And they never will if u stupidly tell that.

First my mother keeps on telling me that I don't have friends.
So then yesterday when an old aunt from Manhanttan asked me "So how many friends do you have?"

I said "One-two."

Since that is how many my mother tells me I have. So.. she was sitting there.. so I said what she believes.
It sounds strange but its like I have some close.. or more known friends.. know lots of people.. but don't go out socially or have a group I hang out with so in essence I have 1/2 friends.. which is what I said.

And then my mother shouted at me for being tactless and embarassing. But what.. im supposed to lie.

My father said I should be diplomatic..
It did not even occur to me to be diplomatic.. I thought they'd counter my claim.. like they do at home.

xxx

Not that im angry with my parents or don't like them. We all have issues with people and we can write about anyone if we have to.. so im just writing about how i feel.. because it works for my mood and everything.

I suppose if I had friends I would be more excited about life and everything.
Or maybe i wouldn't.
Maybe i am just a negetive person.
Who knows?

I can't study anymore, I just get really bored.

My parents tell me that I can't get married for the next 5 years, now that i've decided to do my MBA.. because I have to pay back the loan.
They must be afraid that i'll tire of it or that something will happen to me again so i won't finish my course and everyone will be in trouble.

So I can't get married for 5 years and I can "have to" decide whether I want kids or a career.
I don't know what is wrong with everyone. I thought everyone manages both. But my family(old aunts included) believes that women either have kids or work.
I think that this notion is ridiculous.

They are like who will take care of the kids, you cannot work for atleast 5 years, maids cannot bring up your child, why do you want to work, get married if u find a good proposal.

You are old.

xxx

As if I can place my bets on marriage. What if I don't find anyone. What will I do in the house, house-wifing.
"Enjoy," they say... "Go to the spa."

"Right. I will be so bored that I will end up having numerous affairs with younger men," I tell them.

xxx

"So then I won't have kids."

"Then as if anyone will get married to you. Men get married because they want kids. Or for love.. but anyway you don't have a boyfriend."

"So I won't get married then."

"Then you will be lonely and old and bored."

xxx

I can't rely on marriage. There is no guarantee of it happenning. I can't imagine a life just taking care of the house and going for, I don't know, stupid classes and joining stupid clubs where I can discuss topics like living room interiors or underground art because I really have nothing better to do.

I just want work. Atleast I won't go mad. I just want work.

xxx

And anyway.. how do u people even meet people to go around with?

Its like url are a type. Even if url break up.. don't sweat it.. because url will go out with someone soon enough, because u always have, and u are that type.

I am the other type. Who has never been in a relationship.. and thus mostly never will, because we never have, and that is our type.

When I was younger, I used to think that this situation will magically change.. but how can it.. its not logical. The probability that it won't is quite high.

xxx

Can u imagine that I put on weight just during Diwali time. The more you eat, the more you eat.

Too many sweets, I might have said, but it doesn't look good for me to say it, what with my past.

Im giving my friends chocolate chip cookies for Diwali. I don't think I have ever given anyone anything before on Diwali, but im trying to be a better person/friend.

I don't feel like studying anymore.

I've forgotten how to be excited. I think about the future and I wonder what im going to see or feel that will be much different from what ive already encountered. Its much the same. In the end ur only left with a memory, memories don't feel real, memories just feel the same.

Or childhood memories seem better, and we yearn to go back, and advertisers cash in on that. They know. They know.
That we want to go back, not forward. Thats why I like marketing.
Yes.

They know everything, not the mores, the real truth that makes you buy things, that even you don't know.

Things are good, not because they make u happy, but because your want and desire atleast gives you some purpose.
Otherwise there is nothing.

Why is my percentile going down?

I only feel like writing when I am angry or sad. I use writing, much like I use people (apparently), as a means to my very personal end.

Which is why you may think I am an angry and sad person.

.. Actually that may even be a fair assesment.

I feel very angry.

Now my mother is again comparing me with my cousin. "She has 30 friends" who bought her a cake at 12a.m. on her birthday and also an extra cake at office. Wow.

"While you have not even one friend. You are very bad with people. You are bad with PR, thats why you never made it as a model."

I am really not bad at all with people I need to work with or meet casually. Im preety good infact.

"And I have one friend. D"

"No, your relationship with D and P is wierd," mother.

So I am angry. Because I don't like anyone else defining my relationship incorrectly so confidently.

It makes me so angry, when someone can state wrong facts about me to me, and no one will listen to my truth or believe it.

Thats why I am writing.
Because I am angry and sad.. otherwise I hate writing, and I hate everything, because I am angry.

I am royally screwed.
My percentile is burrowing in the muck, which means that everyone else is getting smarter while I am getting dumber.
I don't know what to do about it. I can't solve most of the math and date interpretation can be confusing.

It really does not matter anyway. So i'll go to a bad college.
That does not mean I will do badly at work.

I can go to a good college and do badly at work (and not buy my house).
I can go to my bad college and do badly at work.

So what?
I'll live.. i'll atleast earn Rs. 30,000 every month and go for a holiday once a year.
I'll watch movies.
I may get married, if I find someone.
I may have kids.
I may adopt kids.
Then i'll probably have to watch animated movies as well.

And live will go on.. and the same things will give me pleasure.. movies, books, sleeping in the afternoon, gardens, talk, children, etc..

Only I won't be able to brag about which college I went to or imply about how brilliant I am.
Which is sad, but what can I do.
I study.

So its really ok.

I won't even earn that much to start off with, but I don't have anything now, so what am I losing?

xxx

A paradox means living.
Knowing that there is no point and nothing that great but still not wanting to die.

It is all expectation's fault.
Hope.
Belief in magic, thinking that something amazing lies ahead.
Only day dreams are amazing.

A bemused Ekta(holding pink rose), told me that No, her father is not the florist.
They buy it.

Company is good.
Company would distract me from me.
Too much of me for me is not entertaining.

I mean I realised that the reason for most of my stress was the thought of figuring out what to do with my time.
Just wondering what to do to fill it.

I wonder if that is the cause of all human stress.

And still, i'd rather live.
We know this world. Sensation is nice.
We don't know what the other side holds.

Family fills up your time and keeps you company. Thats a good reason for it.
All of us don't have groupies. So family is good. Its readymade company.

Notice how people who have groupies often never want to have one family.

I don't think dying would be all that bad. But its too dark.

I won't go trekking.. because im not sure if i trust myself. What if there is some sub-conscious death wish in my head. I don't want to sub-consciously do something slippery.

Its quite scary, when ur on the edge. What if u slip?
You never think that you are going to slip. But.
Recall the people who were eating dinner at the Taj one night. What do you think they thought.

xxx

A lady comes to the local grocer each saturday, and makes him bundle out packets of provisions. 5 kg rice, oil,etc.

Those who want it and look needy can wait in line.
It is not peaceful.
The places are already booked.

That's why my servant Chanda doesn't have a shot.
"I don't care anyway. We get free stuff in our basti also. And now Ramzan is coming.. we will get even more."

xxx
The begger on the wheelchair is the don. He has bought out prime space outside the big famous temple. Bought it from the guard.
All the money and food amassed by the various beggars is first deposited with them. He then distributes the earnings as he chooses.

Women have to deposit more than that which they collect.
Even the schizophrenic.
Especially the schizophrenic.

xxx

I am the teacher. And yet I still seek spproval from the children. Because we all like to be liked.

xxx

I feel bad.. that I have no friends to hang out with.. aas such.
I feel bad when people meet up without me.

But why would they call me?
Since im not close to them I suppose.

Everyone is always fighting.

And my stupid dog keeps on barking.

I can't remember being comfortable in my own skin.

I think I envy those who are.

I definitely envy those who are perfect.

xxx

I hate mirrors.
I am never happy with what I see.
Often it makes me cringe.

I'll never look like how I would in a photograph right.

Let me tell you, when I was thinner, I liked mirrors better.

xxx

It may all sound like a senile rant.

If I accepted myself, maybe i'd be happier.
But who else would accept me then?

Another bad test.

The people I asked did worse.. but they are not whom I should compare with. The top are marks ahead and if they can do it then I should too.
The gap between our marks must reduce.
How do they do it?
What do they know?

I need to brush up my conceptual knowledge of mathematics and stop being afraid of tough looking problems.

I need to be smarter. How do I make myself smarter?
I mean math I can practice.. but logical reasoning and verbal ability.. you can't do much about that. Its what it is.

I need to be smarter.. I don't know how.
I also need to be faster.

Maybe this is my aptitude level because i've been geeting similar scores.
85%, 92%. I need 99% (for IIM).
I don't think I have the aptitude.. i'll try.. but what if im just not smart enough.

Anyway, I just hope my percentile improves atleast a little before the exams.
I hadn't done math for 7 years and i've learnt more than 3 years worth of portion in 5 months.
Learnt and forgotten by the looks of it. I suppose if I were really confident of my quantitative ability then I would have some hope.

But a college is a college.. and I'll do my course somewhere.. I hope atleast.

My mother thinks I should get hair extentions, which she has offered to buy, so that I can have long, lustrous hair like the Bollywood actresses.

I wouldn't mind them.

My mother wants me to look like a moviestar.

Its good for me.. I can improve upon myself.
The truth is bitter.. but its the truth.
You can hide it from yourself.. but everyone is seeing it anyway.

So its better to say, OK, this sucks.. but lets correct it.
And then you are better.

Ekta gave me a rose (red) today also.
I wonder if her father works at the florist's.
It must cost Rs. 5 atleast...so why would someone want to waste money?

After asking me whether it was a little boy.. or a girl, my mother instructed that in the event of the reciept of another unnecessary rose I must tell the child that it is wholely unnecessary.

I agree.
I won't favour her.. and its a terrible waste of money.

xxx

Abhishek's home-made bandage is off and foot seems alright.

xxx

I did not tell you about the incident.

The incident when my class went mad.
The BMC appointed teacher was absent so I had to manage the class by myself.
They were sitting quietly.. and the moment I entered it was madness.. u'd think someone has slipped something into the free khichdi.
They were out of their seats.. running.. screaming.. playing.

They just wouldn't listen. They know that I am not the "Teacher."
I am the friend.

It was crazy.

I was so embarassed.

After that day I have stopped being the mother/sister/friend and have tried hard to be the teacher.
I have become strict.

My throat hurts at times.

I don't know whether the equation has changed for them.
Do they take me seriously?
I will know when the BMC teacher is absent.

Her, they are petrified of. She has a stick.
She doesn't beat them with it, only the desks.
Its very effective.. even I have begun to employ it.

My father said that kids want to push you.. just to see till where you can be pushed.

Anyway.. I think I have a little more control now.. a little.

xxx

Schools are supposed to have their student teach BMC school kids couple of times a week as compulsory social service.
My brother's school sends his batch to a local Urdu medium BMC school.
They teach small groups, and even then its hard to get anyone's attention.

Forget the volunteers.. he was saying that the students don't even listen to the government deployed teachers.
My brother saw students playing catch around the teacher while she taught.

Im better off. They weren't that cruel.

Abu was also telling me that they throw away all the food because they carry their own food.
So why do they even take it?
Pathetic.

Hunger. Do u know what hunger is?
You don't.
You won't know.. and u can't imagine.

xxx

I confronted another mad man in juhu.
Juhu is filled with demented hobos.

When I was young, the naked lady was a local landmark.
He did not marry her, I heard.
Sorrow drove her crazy.

That maybe explains the exhibitionism.

Anyway.. this man was talking to himself on the opposite side of the road.
He came over to me, which was when I noticed the long blades in his hand.
He muttered something incoherent and unconnected.

"Move out of my way!"

"No don't go there(in english). Its not safe."

So you know what I did.. instead to going around him.. which may not have been possible.. but even trying to.. I told him to move out of my path.

It was stupid. He had blades. But oh no.. my ego is too big to make me move about. I stood ground till I shouted him off my path.

It was veyr stupid. And how can I get insulted by a mad man. Again. There is no reason to take insult. They r mad. They will not move. I should have run away. But I am stupid.

Its very satisfying to blog/tweet/ update ur FB status.
You always have someone to talk it out to, right?
And its not like writing in ur dairy...
Here you have the satisfaction of hoping that maybe there's life out there... reading this.

Yay!

If you speak to people.. you can never fully express yourself because the person is going to add a comment and you may forget ur drift. Or the person may want to express themselves and you have to forcibly keep ur mouth shut.

(Always, always the subtext is sarcasm. I would not like to be branded a head case. Social Capital is EVERYTHING)
xxx

Do I need to meet you anymore?
I often wonder whether my generation will one day come to feel that physical contact is over-rated.
Even Sex(?)
What if people start to feel that our desire for physical contact is just social conditioning.

Man is a social animal.
But does the medium matter?

Our genes will probably scream "Yes it does. Like have you not even heard what Darwin said already."

Who knows?
An idea is like a virus.

A dream can become reality.
Ask a drug addict.

Net-o-maniac.. Im sure some populist journo will type...

Anyway.. my mind...
Our mind sees much worse than what is.
We fill in the blanks with immense vulgarity.

The others are always more debased.
Or maybe its our imagination.

One of my students, Ekta, gave me a pink rose today.
It feels good. I know this is what is meant by currying favour but I've not recieved flowers too often in my lifetime. So i'll enjoy it.

xxx

I keep on forgetting that the children I teach live in slums.
In the classroom they are just small babies in uniforms.

I keep on forgetting till a child faints.. because he's not had anything for breakfast.
And most others have just had black tea.

The worst part is that they are not even so poor so as to not be able to afford it. Its just lack of concern on their parents part. Or maybe they have to work and are very hassled. I can't pass judgements.

xxx

Some kids get big packets of fancy cream biscuits to school everyday.
My mother would allow me only four.
She believed in moderation.

xxx

No free raincoats this year, but free umbrellas, from the PR machinery of the bollywood film "Khatta Meetha."

xxx

Abhishek has been limping his way to school since the past three days because of a cut on his foot. His mother has tied a torn kerchif around it. Thats the only treatment it has recieved so far.
I told her to take him to the doctor.
Doctor services are even free at Cooper Hospital which is close-by.

But no.

I must admit though, I think Abhishek enjoys the bandage and limping.. so I don't know how badly he's been hurt and whether its healed.

I want children.
Because they love you, adore you actually, even if ur nothing.
And they stick by ur side.. initially.
And they look cute.

They r so easy to love.

xxx

The authorities took away the computers from the school because they didn't want us interfering.

xxx

Im going to be a teacher on Teacher's Day. That's exciting. Who would have thought!

xxx

Some of the parent's don't even wash their kids tiffin boxes.
For days!

So we give them our own plates.

xxx

Im really upset with myself. I am doing so badly at my CAT simulation tests. I guess I just don't have the aptitude. I guess i'll get in somewhere.. somewhere regular.
People are totally brilliant. Wow(for them).

You know mostly guys scored well. It could also be because there r more guys appearin for the exam than girls. I really need to buck up. Even now I should be studying rather than writing this.

xxx

Im also upset because I can't seem to stop putting on weight. It makes me paranoid. But I can't control it anymore. Its embarassing to say this. But I feel much better when I face my pimples.

Speaking of which, I have them. 2. I mean, i've never had pimples and they must go. Im giving them one week or i'll head to my dermalotogist. He's amazing. He makes everything normal in two's days worth of medicines.

xxx

I had a strange and disturbing dream. Oflate i've been getting pretty vivid dreams.
I know I should have never heard the Jonestown tapes. You know, of the church in S. America where the Rev. instructed all his followers to commit mass suicide by drinking kool-aid laced with cyanide.
After giving it to their babies and parents.

Screw You-tube.

So I dreamt that im in a house, penthouse.. its raining outside.. a girl comes running through the waist high water. Someone is chasing her.

What has happened?

There was a party....
Everybody's tripping.
Everyone's is drinking something laced with LSD.

The party thrower talks about how the world sucks. People suck. How its better to be dead than to be alive in "this" world.. etc etc.

Everyone hails him.
He's like we don't need them, we don't need this world.
YES!! says everyone.

"Which is why, i've laced the drink with cyanide. There is nothing sweeter than dying with your friends. There is nothing sweeter than dying in your prime."

Everyone is horrified. Now they are screaming. Now there is a stampede.
His henchmen force drinks down everyone's throats.

Im afraid that the girl who's escaped and has come running to my house will fall down dead.
I am afraid that he's followed her here.

I turn on the TV for the Breaking News.
There is a reporter at the scene.
People lie dead and blue around him.
I can sense that they r people I now.
Laser Lights and leopards.
He has chained leopards.
They can't find him. He's run sway.
Where, here?

See he just wanted to hurt people. He wanted to kill people.. to feel powerful.

A chill run through my spine.
Will he come here?

The reporter's r now telling us about all the famous people who have died at the party.
One of them is the model who recently committed suicide.
So this is how she died, I think. (Was my dream a metaphor?)

I could feel him coming.

xxx

The dreams shows how mentally disturbed I am.
Its pathetic.
It also displays my mistrust of people.

Chemicals dehumanize. It scares me.
Mobs. Jailors.
The lucifer effect.
Damien.

We are they.
Can you imagine?

Raj Thackeray's Koffee Hamper

Move over Barbie, Pooh, Tweety and Vampires(yes even Vampires).

Our school stationary has MNS, Shiv Sena and Congress.
There.

(BJP is alligned with SS. All accounted?)

xxx

Let me be more explicit. These guys have pasted their party posters on notebooks and distributed them among the public.
Brand presence.

What if I don't get what I want?
What difference will it make?
I'll still be happy.. we manage.
So why do we go all crazy obsessive?
Why do we go all sad?

I don't feel anything if I think about things.
I don't feel anything about anything at all.

xxx

Im all good otherwise.
Ya, it doesn't matter.
School is good. I love all the kids.
Kids are easy to love.
Kids don't hurt you, I think.

xxx

You know my entire generation wants everyone to know everything they r doing. They want to be moviestars.

xxx

What do we do about the structural flaws in our education system?
Unfortunately politics is not as simple as knowing the solution to the problem.

I feel that, if someone wants to be educated.. they will.. inspite of everything. Not necessarily formal education.. bt if they want it.. they will get it.
That would be the equilibrium in a free market.

But what good will an informal education do anyone?
Who knows..

xxx

The BMC gives the kids everything for free.. (I mean, if they get it at all)
Free uniform, bag, books.
Free tiffin for the free mid-day meal.
Free raincoats.
But those are given once every 2 years.

The parents of my Sr. KG class came enquiring.
"When will we get the students raincoats."
"Next year. The BMC gives them once every 2 years. You were informed last year."

"What.. we don't have those old raincoats. They are long lost."

I use last year's umbrella.
Things for free don't count.

Ladies, keep that in mind.

There r many people living my life right now.. except for me.
Looking pretty and doing fashion shows.. as I rot.. beheaded in battle.
Festering.

I know that they r living my life because I keep on looking at their pictures on FB.

I don't want to be them now. I can't. I never will. But I will be great.
That sounds obnoxious. But I have to aim for greatness.. I don't know where I will land.

What is great? Acknowledgement of one's attributes by the community.
See how small that sounds.
I am small.
Small and insecure.

xxx

My uncle, an IAF pilot.. took out his gun to an Allahbad court judge.
"If you don't give me custody of my son, I will shoot you."

He says that his wife is mad.

She has stopped sending the boy to school since a year and doesn't bother to cook for him. The boy survives on Parle-G.

xxx

Im going to start teaching at the BMC school again. Sr.KG.
They have picked up so well... no first generation english accents.
ICSE english.
The teachers have done a great job.

Some of the students even remember me..

xxx

Geometry is giving me a headache.
I feel dumb.

xxx

I am getting used to my new dimensions.
I now weigh 49 kgs.
It feels.. different.
I suppose it looks better.
But its not perfect. Where is perfect? Perfect is like movie stars. But no one's going to do my make up and hair now.. no one's going to give me pretty clothes to wear.

Yesterday some one from Yash Raj films called up. They want to launch a newcomer and so they wanted to meet me.
"I've stopped working in this industry. Im studying now."

"So what? Its YASH RAJ" the casting agent says.
"It could change your life."

I said no.
Nothing would have worked out anyway. Im sure.. it never did in this field.
And the main thing is that I can't act. My mother thinks that that is the least important thing.
"Look at Katrina Kaif," she says.

But I don't want to be a bad something when I can be a really good something.
I don't want critics to pan me.. and I know they obviously will because I can't act. My reaction expressions are not good.

So its no then.

My dad is down with food poisoning.
He's much better now, after the doc gave him effective medicines.
What if my dad had decided not to get married?
It would be much worse.

I am getting married, if i can.

xxx

I look fine now, even people other than I would say this.
Do you know what helped me?
Entourage.

So the guys are always rating women.
And I wondered what number I would be?
What would a random guy rate me?

I didn't even want to know the answer. I was too scared.
I wanted a good number.
10 preferably. One must try for 10.

So I made myself improve then.

I saw "I hate luv stories" yesterday.
Imran and his fat, ugly, sorry (that's wrong)
ranking 1/2 friend (any better.. its simply an objective rating)
also rate people.

No one's over 8.
Who's 10 then?
Jessica Alba.
Ya, I guess JA.

So I had a nightmare last night, that Turtle and Imran Khan gave me a 2.
I woke up with tears in ym eyes, and im not even adding any dramatic effect.
Seriously.
Laugh.

My father tells me that i cannot base my self esteem so much on what other's think of me. But what should i do about it. I don't even think of it as what other's think.. rather the bitter objective truth one must accept in order to reach high levels of excellence.

(I do hope you guys know when i am being sarcastic in my narrative)

I must meet real people!

My father, the photographer, specialises in photographing Art works. Painting, installations and so on.
Its an art.

I have started to accompany him on his shoots sometimes. I get to meet artists, spend hours in galleries under a comforting blanket of art.
Or the comforting blanket of not having to do anything except take in.

Its a theory of mine. We like watching, reading, eating, because they are valid, socially consenual excuses for not doing anything.
And not feeling guilty about not doing anything.

Anyway on one of these outings, I met the artist Ilaa Dev Pal, renowned, protege of Hussain. Also, poet, writer.
She sent her book to my place for me to read.. so that we can discuss it. Its a collection of expression through paintings and verse at the same time. Poetry on paintings. Poetry and paintings.
Its signed by Hussain.
"Poetry to be seen. Images to be read," says he.

xxx

She even has a Hussain cupboard at her studio. By that I mean the doors of the cupboard are a Hussain painting.

xxx

The greatest of us all need reassurance. All need praise.
So scared.. so scared of falling of.. that they hold on to.. hold on to.. purse strings.
Yes, purse strings.
The richer.. the more miserly.

Disclamer- Don't infer that i am speaking about Ilaa.

Today I gave a mock CAT exam organised by my tutorial class. It was an all india exam. My center was the Don Bosco school in Matunga East.

Some guy in a rainbow striped shirt was sitting behind me.
He made unnecessary conversation.
I don't know how he looks. I didn't turn back long enough.. and it was not a face to remember.

So he adds me on FB.
"Hi Malavika.
Do you remember me from Sim Cat 1 (oh my god) in the morning?
I was sitting behind you."

Freak.
So what if i remember you?

How did he find me?
How does he know my name.
We had to sign on an attendance sheet. I signed before him and passed it behind to him.
That must be it.

Freak.
He got the spelling right.
Maybe its not that difficult to remember.

And he thinks its normal to msg me.
He actually thinks i will respond.. and that we will be great friends and maybe even name our son bharat.

Yuck.
I hate ugly men.

xxx

I could not resist checking out his profile.
He says that "I am not a freindly person."

Ofcourse.

His activities comprise "I dance well."

Ok.
I can say a lot more evil things. But i will not.
Someone probably thinks im stupid.
And atleast he doesn't.

But i still hate him. Let me state that on the record.

When will i look beautiful again?

Why do i care about what people think? Its a question of social psychology.

Maybe,
maybe in this game that we are playing.. u get points for what people think of u.
Admiration equals points.
Than you can proceed to the next level.

The irony is that we invented the game ourselves.

But we don't know it.

We are muddled.. by pinnocchio noise.

Why are we here?
What is the purpose of a chimpanzee on this planet?
Self-actualization?
To follow his dreams.
To salvage Chimpanzee-kind.
To be happy.

Or just to mate and die.

He followed me again.
With the same line.

Is he a stoner?

xxx

And the one time love of my life did not ignore me.
He msgd back.
Good.
I haven't read the msg, or replied.
Not so soon.
And he must think i am so stupid..
That i am crushing on him like all his students and his fan club.
But didn't i want him to know that which is why i showed overt relentless interest.

After some days i will reply.
And he may/may not.. after months.
And we will run out of stupid perfunctory conversation.. and its not hollywood so the story will end there.
We will not run away together in the moonlight.

I have stopped going to work as i felt that i was ignoring my studies, but i wonder if i am just lazy.
Laziness is one of my biggest fears because it entails being left behind..

If u go to see, this is "The Life" that im leading right now. Early retirement. I should enjoy it. I like to study and learn things. I love taking in a lot of information, passively. BBut what am i going to do about all of it.

Learning is fun and easy. Its application thats tough and consuming.
But i shall not be lazy or lax.

xxx

Yesterday I was walking to a talk on Darwin and Evolution when I heard someone talking to me.
A few steps.
Oh yes, definately to me, or would he have said.. "Bahut patli ho gayi ho. Khati nahi ho?"

I turned.
There is this disgusting beggar, or servant, drunk or stoned, looking like he has just woken up from napping on the beach in a haystack.
At high tide.

Stoned.. with white ink.. like the others on the beach. Maybe.

How dare he.. how dare he pass judgement.. how dare he speak to me.
I could cry.
He thought i was his equal.
Fuck you, don't expect me to be humanistic right now.

This is why i hate people.
This is why power is a commonly sought after oasis.
Power.. to control people.. and what they say and do around u.
Power to shut up.. to control.. to play god.

How could he speak to me?
Yes, we are all disciples of Manu.

Anyway I told him to get lost.. in a voice loud enough to make passerbys stop.
He took it to be an invitation to chat, like some long lost friend.
And then he's like "Gussa aa gaya. Please thapad do na. Please ek baar thapad do. Pleeeeeeeeease."

"Are you angry? Then slap me. Please slap me, just once," said the scrouge, smiling.
Fucking shit.

"Kachre ko koi haath lagata hai kya, ki main tumhe haath laga oon gi."

" Like does anyone touch garbage? That u think i would touch u," I responded, obviously influenced by the garbage bins i was standing next to.

But he kept on saying please.
And i finally just walked off.. and he followed me for a bit.. but then i entered a shop.. and finally stopped looking at him so i don't know whether he followed me further on.

Thats stupid.. i acted like a bloody ostrich. Mumbai Mirror would have u believe such incidents are dangerous.

Why bother? I won'tknow when something bad is going to happen.

My mother said it was because i wore a spagetti top.
Everything is my fault obviously.
xxx

I want to be.. what i was atleast.
I am not past my prime, I will show her.

xxx

Marriage.
I feel i will just be rejected anyway.
Like my mother said that if i were to go for an audition now i would be rejected because i am thin.
And i know it.
Its the truth.

But only my arms are thin and i can't do a thing about it. I can't direct the mass in my body. Everything always goes to the legs. Its in the family.

So.. but trust me, i will be even better than what i ever was. Because its just a game isn't it.. and we are used to trying to get to the next level. Unless we give in to gravity.

Oh my god.. this cannot be happening.. There was this guy in school who was distinguished by the amount of oil he put in his thick, ebon, perfectly parted amd combed hair.
Now he calls himself John Indisoul Doe.
Yeah.
Im not saying anything... We're all as silly as each other.
But..

And anyway.. what was i in school?
Yes, what!
That is the question.

I have begun watching a new tv series called "Mad Men." So far its been great. Its set in an American advertising firm in the sixties. Interesting right?
You should catch it..

Mad men is a term that denoted top shot ad guys who's offices were set in Madison Avenue.
It was a term coined by they, themselves.
So says the pilot episode.

I should get a life, I know.. but how to? Where should i wander? I think i would have been quite happy as a mendicant.. a baul or something.. just seeing things.
Like, it is religious.. life would be beautiful and always new.
These Brahmins had fun you know.. wandering about.. exploring new lands and women.
Fathers would willing give their couch, food and daughters to travelling Brahmins.
So says The great Indian novel by Shashi Tharoor.

I am a waste, aren't I. I'll come to nothing. But atleast im happy with my books and tv shows.
Im happy.. on my own.. in my controlled environment. Thats why I like villages.. they r small and controlled.
Thats why s'pore is a model city.. small and controlled.. like one man.. not mobs.

How exciting for a hot Brahmin to unexpectedly land up in your house.
xxx

so was love invented to sell things? Or is it true?
Please tell me.. coz I think i have not found it because it isn't there!
And u all.. lovers.. r just playing pretend..
You know they say the best lie is the one everyone knows.. and pretends doesn't exist.
Now which movie did i see that in.
xxx

I have put on weight.. it feels good..ish.
But my life is going away in my house.
And can u imagine.. my mother said i am past my prime. That a girl only looks good btw ages 20-23.
so till jan i looked prime.

xxx

So they easiest way to ensure i win at something is to say im not good at it.. it sounds proudy(ya its an indian english word).
But its brilliant.. it becomes my purpose for living..
like the advertised BMW becomes yours.
They give us a reason to live.. because really there is nothing.. and i know u know.

I went and washed the vessels she hadn't. The difficult ones.. milk boiler, dog's food utensil..
I laid the table.
She told my brother to hang the washing. She told him to do it.
If she would have told me, I would have done the dishes.. I would have done the washing.
You cannot say I am bad without even giving me a chance. I don't like people saying I am bad.. when the work is so simple. It took me 10 min.. and all those tears.. they were useless.. they took up more time.
If she would have told me to do it I would have done it.
She told me that she was amazed that i did not realize!

Ok.
She cannot be bad and i good.. because we are the same.. all human beings.. as good or bad.
But.. I don't like to be called bad.. when it was a thing i can do.

The servant has not come today. My mother hit me on the head screaming "I am amazed that you did not think of washing the dishes when the maid is not there. I work so hard.."

I did not think of it. I did not realize. I am a scatterbrain. I am a bad person. I am not my cousin Smriti, who washes all her clothes herself in Bangalore. I am just a lazy person who is watching Grey's Anatomy.

I didn't realise. I don't mind doing the dishes. I went to do the dishes and she snatched the scrub from me and told me to go. She wouldn't let me do it. "I have stopped expecting anything from you a long time back."

But, ok I am a bad daughter. But I just didn't realise. I am scared of her.. scared of doing anything.
I am bad.. but I want to do it. She will not let me do it. I feel guilty. I feel like a slob. I don't know what to do. I am scared of coming out of my room when she is in the house.
I am scared of noise.

I am bad.. I know.. how culd I not realize.. but it happened.. and now.. i mean i can wash them.. but i can't.
And i am not good like my brother and my cousin, who has done so much.
Its not good enough to want to do things.
I soooooooooo want to do things. But i never will..
I just need to go away. I feel like a burden on everybody.

Are you alone?
Do you feel lonely, too?

The problem is.. where do I go in this world when whereever I go.. I will be alone. I will still have no one to talk to. Say why I am sad, why I am happy. I can only cry to myself.

I sound like this cliched depressed writer.. its pathetic.
Its pathetic writing.
But I am sad.
I have no one to complain to.
No one takes my side.. just to get over it you know. Sometimes its nice if someone still says that you are a good person.

I only have fiction.
So I am throwing myself into it.
I am scared that someone will shout at me for being lazy.
I am useless... but.. I am going to be studying this year.. that is te plan.
They made me leave college. Do you know how hard it is to leave studying.. when you are doing it after years.. and then have to train yourself to go back to it.. even though you are not going to be a journalist.
I did not intend to be lazy.
I want job.. I want a home.

But I will still have no one to talk to.

I had a good time in Singapore.
The hotel I was staying at in Sentosa, the "Amara Resort" was very fancy.. nice. We had peacocks even.

I stopped counting calories for the first time in years.

I eat till I am full. I eat with people on the table. I am not throwing away food.

I want to look good. I want some power back.
I want to be wanted.. if not loved.. atleast desired.

If the fruit seller is asking my mother what happened.. if th tailor is telling me to put on weight.. if the proprieter of "Tejas Stationary Shop" is telling me.
Why do these strangers say?

Should I feel special?
Or am I simply a disaster story.. Human beings use their skill of language to talk to other human beings about disaster stories..
Its great for social interaction and passing away the time that constitutes our lives.

xxx

I see pictures on FB, of people my age.. at parties.. that I was once invited to.
Where am I?
How come im alone?
Did I make myself unlikable?

Where is my party?
Do I want to go to the party?
Frankly speaking rnt parties boring.. like what do we do anyway.. pretend to have fun.
Frankly speaking we go to stimulate our sense of touch.. within the boundaries of what is socially sanctioned. It comes down to that. We go to mate..
We pretend otherwise..
good music.. ya right..
to chill out..
sure.. to touch.. to touch.. to touch.
I know.. u know.. we don't talk about it.. we delibrately close our eyes.
We are a race of liars.

Why am i being negative?
Don't worry.. u won't be a duster.
I am just a jealous person.
Bad tempered.
Who thinks life is going to be a movie..

He did not reply to my msg..
can u imagine?

If he did.. it would be perfunctory..
it would end with that..
what do i expect?
a movie?
life does not have a screenplay writer who is satiating his pains
who is fulfilling his fantasies.

There r just all of us selfish people..
wanting to be loved..
no sorry
wanting attention..
like the kind we had in childhood
when we were new.. and cute..
yet unspoilt by time
clean

you cannot stay new all the time.
who will value us then..
old blue jeans are comfy enough..
but u don't care if u rip them
or if they get lost.

"I loved them.. they were so comfy.. but they were so old.. give them to Shanti's son."

"Are u mad? They r too old to give to anybody. We can cut them up and use them as dusters."

Good idea.

We become dusters..
before we become dust.

You know.. u need to have people hit on u when u go on vacation..
so what's it going to be like.
Nothing!
No-one!
What the hell!

I try.. but.. its a deep hole...

My first thought was, "Does she not know that the neck of her t-shirt is hanging dangerously low? Does she not know that someone can look in?"
I was looking in,
Across the poker table
Into the black benetton v-neck tee of my cousin sister.

Either she did not notice, being busy collecting the poker coins(not familiar with card terminology)
Or she just felt like feeling sexy.

Our younger cousin brother had a good look.. as he co-ordinated his movements across the poker table so that he could stand directly opposite her.

He's not good looking.
Simple.
This was amazing for him.
Where would he get such an opportunity.
Not at his college..
And my female cousin looks very good, even.
Family,
Is important.

His eyes were leashed.
It is only natural.
We are curious.
"What is in the box, say?
What is in your top?
My friends talk like they know.
I should know too."
He went at it like it was a math equation.
Only im sure he hates math.

This, is not math.

Calculation, my dears, is, not only math.
Calculation, hahaha, is a lovely invention, that we use to pretend that there is a purpose to life.
It helps us to justify that decision making is a significant and neccesary activity.

When it doesn't matter either way does it?

xxx

I had gone with family to a farmhouse in Khandala for the day. The architecture and landscaping of the house was amazing.
The house was wedged into a slope, integrating the natural contour of the land into its body.
The garden had strange and fascination trees.
We plucked sweet guavas.

There were the most amazing knick-knacks.
Boxes that looked like show pieces.

I like the hidden.
What you do not know is exciting.
You can imagine.
Our minds are the most exciting things.

xxx

I played with the kids. They are more interesting than:
eating,
movie stars,
eating movie stars
and poker(since I don't know how to play it).

We went exploring.
The garden.. then other bungalows.

Saying wow is fun.
Saying wow out loud.
Describing wow to a real live person, feels good.
Usually I describe my wows to myself, in my head, in the absence of a real live person.

xxx

We expect a partner to give us all the attention we got when we were still cute and children.
Childrens.
People say that.

We want to be loved all the time, and we want attention all the time.
Partnership serves those needs. We call them love, compatibility, spiritual bonding, and what-ever is "In" in our decade.
But we want attention.
Who will give it.
Him.
Why?
He thinks its the way.
And for sex.

And he has not touched a girl.

We give attention, in courting season.

The world is filled with meanos.
And liars.
We need someone to be nice.
Tell us the truth.
And lie, for a good purpose.

So that we can be fine and happy.

Like when we were kids and our parents said "My darling!"
And relatives said, "So cute! Let me hold!"

They confuse us in teenage-hood man.
And we never recover or regain our knowledge of the basic concepts of reality.

xxx

And I thought once again.
Why do they make not swings,
for people my size,
they make only swings,
which are so wide.

Wider behinds.
But my mind, my mind
Is what is wide.
So where is my swing?
Where is my slide?

Poker, is a poor substitute.
Along with other, sad adult passtimes.
xxx

A mad man does not think he is behaving normally.
He knows.
But he thinks he will be able to justify it.

After that.. his sanity is largely dependant on luck.
He can go on to be a supported politician.. or a lowly outcaste.
He can become a superstar.. or a favourite neighbourhood story topic .

I knew this was going to happen sometime.
Its a logical conclusion.

Today morning there was a car parked outside our gate.. again.
My grand-father went at it with the bamboo stick, as is in this nature.
He went at it long... and he went at it hard.

What's new?

Police!
Chal re.. not even that is new.. they have been here about the car beating issue before.. and their own van was victim once.
Fearless Dadu.

So then?
Case is filed.

My grand-father is suddenly unwell..
I committed.. but I will not go to the judge.

Then who is left to go?
My poor father.

You cannot do something wrong and expect someone else to bear the brunt of it..
What am I saying.. everyone does it all the time..
Its only very blatant in this situation.

Its unfair. I feel bad for my father.
I love my father.. he is a "to himself" man. We must not bother him with the dirty world and fights.

See it had to happen.
When you smash cars so hard and so bad.
And you don't belong to some gang.

xxx

By the way,
Why were we so happy when we were children?
We were happy weren't we?

We woke up.. were woken up.. ate without thinking.
Attended school without thinking.. met friends.. played.. [passed a huge chunk of the day easily.
Did not think about how we looked.

Slept in peace.

We did not think so much.
We followed the majority.. co-operated.. and had fun.

So I think as an adult.. I can be happy if I.. just fill my time.. have a family.. and don't think so much about eating and money and how im looking.

If I can just enjoy playing, if I can just enjoy the garden.. food.. friends, family. I can be happy.

A simple life. I don't need to shine with India.

My brother almost started crying yesterday when I told him I feel fat.
He was afraid i'd start losing weight again and land up in the hospital.
I have been so selfish all this while.. I have been hurting the only people who love me so much.

He said that he does not care whether I put on weight or not.. but he just wants me to eat.. all meals.. normally.
He said that he just wants me to be happy.

I am blessed to have the family that I do.
And the vermin that I am.. I still complain.
It's absolutely revolting.

xxx

There is so much to do around here.. going for a science lecture by Tata Institute of Fundamental Research scientists.. and later for a heritage walk.

So how come I could not win a title in my year at Femina Miss India(just occurred this year)
It seems so easy.. so straightforward.. what did I do wrong?
Like its an ego thing.

There were just better people.

Oh hello hello..
by the way..
I can wear a bikini!!!

Hell I'll even buy a new one there.

I ate.. and I have put on 2kgs.
I had to be scared into it.
"Put on weight or take the high calorie, undoubtedly effective MASS GAINING protein shake."

Not that!
I will end up looking totally humungous.
So I ate.

And I should be happy.. I guess it does look better.. but my legs look humungous.
I should have put on weight on my arms.. but it always goes to the legs..
Its not loose flesh though.. thats a concession.

I am upset actually.. because I did not even eat that much. I still eat very little.. and all it took was a few morsels more of food and I bloated up. How come url eat and don't gain weight?
Why can I not be like url?
Why this weird metabolism?

Anyway.. my parents are happy.. I will get more freedom.. it looks nicer.. people will get at me less..
So its all good.
but I can't possibly put on any more weight.

xxx

Did I mention.. I started working. I like work. I like to be occupied. In life, I wish for work, so much of, that keeps me through the day. Because I don't want to think.. to day dream. And I have no personal life.

I wonder why nobody can love me. Like a guy.
I wonder why I can't eat like url.

We have some things.. and don't have others.

xxx

I don't know if this should be a cause of concern but I cannot make myself party. I don't feel like dressing up. I don't know if I am avoiding extra calories. I don't know.
Again I didn't go for my friends birthday.
Maybe I just need the right company.

And then I fear that I will never meet anyone my age.

Should I not be getting married or something.. im 23.
I never knew, when I was young, that I would grow up to be a spinster.
But its a great possibility.

Its just that, people.. a husband.. kids... help you pass your day.. fill ur time.. and ward away some boredom. Which is good.
Life is strange.. all we want to do is get done with time.
What did Einstein think of life?

xxx

I will be less rude and more sensitive to people.

xxx

My father was so worried. He was feeling frustrated.. that he has done so much and still no result. He's much happier now. How could I have been so selfish.

xxx

I started eating lunch. Just eating.. because it is lunch time.. and not thinking about whether I should eat or not.. about how hungry I was.
And if this weight is a result of that.. so be it. People eat lunch.

Not coffee and sweets.

Maybe one day I will also eat dinner.

I hope I will stop gaining this weight at some point. It can't just go on indefinitely can it. It scares me.

xxx

I should not care. I should not care. It does not matter. Anyway no one loves me. Not even when I tried to be perfect.
It really does not matter.
I will just not think of food.

See I've begun working..
thus I have less time to be bored..
thus I write less..


I am going to be staying IN Sentosa.. its decided.
Like how totally cool is that.. and at the Amara Spa and Resort..
Nice..
Then Orchard Street.. to be closer to home..
The shopping malls..
not my home.. but that of several others..

I don't care too much for shopping.. I think its all a scam..
But I love bargain shopping.. and I don't mind spending more on a really good fit..
But not in the middle shopping.. its a scam..
But it employs people.. so I don't begrudge it.

xxx

Where is my life?
Where is my love interest? I mean come on.. people are the most widely used source of entertainment and passing time.. and I am being denied this banality.

What is dal chawal for one.. is bloody.. ambrosia for me.. I mean first of all you are nothing great.. and still u elude me.. how dare u..

When I have u.. u can bet I will tire of u.. but how can u elude me..
Like we could have some nice moments..

Nahh.. I just want u because u are my hope.. the unknown.. that seems very exciting till it gets known.. and boring..

Its better this way.. I can concentrate on my studies.
Ya..

xxx

I should specify.. you is nobody real.. you is nobody.. I still put my ex dance instructor in you's character.. but thats it.. its nobody real.

This is the elusion im referring to.

xxx

And I spoke like the wolf.. who couldn't get the grapes..
The world is the wolf...
All bloody sour-pusses..
Filling their own ears with lies..

Friends are those treasured individuals who make themselves believe our rancid lies.
So sweet.

I am hot.. and you are phat.
BFF Baby.

I've become so dark walking on the sunny beach.

I stopped going to the temple. I could not wake up so early. I could.. but at the expense of feeling sleepy the rest of the day.

We were doing the bookings for our Singapore visit yesterday. It will be fun! I even went shopping for vacation clothes.. shorts etc..

I won't be able to wear a bikini will I?

I am trying..

I will.. I will..
I have to leave home next yr in order to study as it is.

People say mean things. It hurts. But what can I do.
I can look good.. but it is proving difficult to put on weight.
I know I will do it.. only it will take some time.

I must look really ill right. Yucky.

But I will be fine!

I always feel like eating.. im always nibbling on something.. I feel like a fat fuck.