I want children.
Because they love you, adore you actually, even if ur nothing.
And they stick by ur side.. initially.
And they look cute.

They r so easy to love.

xxx

The authorities took away the computers from the school because they didn't want us interfering.

xxx

Im going to be a teacher on Teacher's Day. That's exciting. Who would have thought!

xxx

Some of the parent's don't even wash their kids tiffin boxes.
For days!

So we give them our own plates.

xxx

Im really upset with myself. I am doing so badly at my CAT simulation tests. I guess I just don't have the aptitude. I guess i'll get in somewhere.. somewhere regular.
People are totally brilliant. Wow(for them).

You know mostly guys scored well. It could also be because there r more guys appearin for the exam than girls. I really need to buck up. Even now I should be studying rather than writing this.

xxx

Im also upset because I can't seem to stop putting on weight. It makes me paranoid. But I can't control it anymore. Its embarassing to say this. But I feel much better when I face my pimples.

Speaking of which, I have them. 2. I mean, i've never had pimples and they must go. Im giving them one week or i'll head to my dermalotogist. He's amazing. He makes everything normal in two's days worth of medicines.

xxx

I had a strange and disturbing dream. Oflate i've been getting pretty vivid dreams.
I know I should have never heard the Jonestown tapes. You know, of the church in S. America where the Rev. instructed all his followers to commit mass suicide by drinking kool-aid laced with cyanide.
After giving it to their babies and parents.

Screw You-tube.

So I dreamt that im in a house, penthouse.. its raining outside.. a girl comes running through the waist high water. Someone is chasing her.

What has happened?

There was a party....
Everybody's tripping.
Everyone's is drinking something laced with LSD.

The party thrower talks about how the world sucks. People suck. How its better to be dead than to be alive in "this" world.. etc etc.

Everyone hails him.
He's like we don't need them, we don't need this world.
YES!! says everyone.

"Which is why, i've laced the drink with cyanide. There is nothing sweeter than dying with your friends. There is nothing sweeter than dying in your prime."

Everyone is horrified. Now they are screaming. Now there is a stampede.
His henchmen force drinks down everyone's throats.

Im afraid that the girl who's escaped and has come running to my house will fall down dead.
I am afraid that he's followed her here.

I turn on the TV for the Breaking News.
There is a reporter at the scene.
People lie dead and blue around him.
I can sense that they r people I now.
Laser Lights and leopards.
He has chained leopards.
They can't find him. He's run sway.
Where, here?

See he just wanted to hurt people. He wanted to kill people.. to feel powerful.

A chill run through my spine.
Will he come here?

The reporter's r now telling us about all the famous people who have died at the party.
One of them is the model who recently committed suicide.
So this is how she died, I think. (Was my dream a metaphor?)

I could feel him coming.

xxx

The dreams shows how mentally disturbed I am.
Its pathetic.
It also displays my mistrust of people.

Chemicals dehumanize. It scares me.
Mobs. Jailors.
The lucifer effect.
Damien.

We are they.
Can you imagine?

Raj Thackeray's Koffee Hamper

Move over Barbie, Pooh, Tweety and Vampires(yes even Vampires).

Our school stationary has MNS, Shiv Sena and Congress.
There.

(BJP is alligned with SS. All accounted?)

xxx

Let me be more explicit. These guys have pasted their party posters on notebooks and distributed them among the public.
Brand presence.

What if I don't get what I want?
What difference will it make?
I'll still be happy.. we manage.
So why do we go all crazy obsessive?
Why do we go all sad?

I don't feel anything if I think about things.
I don't feel anything about anything at all.

xxx

Im all good otherwise.
Ya, it doesn't matter.
School is good. I love all the kids.
Kids are easy to love.
Kids don't hurt you, I think.

xxx

You know my entire generation wants everyone to know everything they r doing. They want to be moviestars.

xxx

What do we do about the structural flaws in our education system?
Unfortunately politics is not as simple as knowing the solution to the problem.

I feel that, if someone wants to be educated.. they will.. inspite of everything. Not necessarily formal education.. bt if they want it.. they will get it.
That would be the equilibrium in a free market.

But what good will an informal education do anyone?
Who knows..

xxx

The BMC gives the kids everything for free.. (I mean, if they get it at all)
Free uniform, bag, books.
Free tiffin for the free mid-day meal.
Free raincoats.
But those are given once every 2 years.

The parents of my Sr. KG class came enquiring.
"When will we get the students raincoats."
"Next year. The BMC gives them once every 2 years. You were informed last year."

"What.. we don't have those old raincoats. They are long lost."

I use last year's umbrella.
Things for free don't count.

Ladies, keep that in mind.

There r many people living my life right now.. except for me.
Looking pretty and doing fashion shows.. as I rot.. beheaded in battle.
Festering.

I know that they r living my life because I keep on looking at their pictures on FB.

I don't want to be them now. I can't. I never will. But I will be great.
That sounds obnoxious. But I have to aim for greatness.. I don't know where I will land.

What is great? Acknowledgement of one's attributes by the community.
See how small that sounds.
I am small.
Small and insecure.

xxx

My uncle, an IAF pilot.. took out his gun to an Allahbad court judge.
"If you don't give me custody of my son, I will shoot you."

He says that his wife is mad.

She has stopped sending the boy to school since a year and doesn't bother to cook for him. The boy survives on Parle-G.

xxx

Im going to start teaching at the BMC school again. Sr.KG.
They have picked up so well... no first generation english accents.
ICSE english.
The teachers have done a great job.

Some of the students even remember me..

xxx

Geometry is giving me a headache.
I feel dumb.

xxx

I am getting used to my new dimensions.
I now weigh 49 kgs.
It feels.. different.
I suppose it looks better.
But its not perfect. Where is perfect? Perfect is like movie stars. But no one's going to do my make up and hair now.. no one's going to give me pretty clothes to wear.

Yesterday some one from Yash Raj films called up. They want to launch a newcomer and so they wanted to meet me.
"I've stopped working in this industry. Im studying now."

"So what? Its YASH RAJ" the casting agent says.
"It could change your life."

I said no.
Nothing would have worked out anyway. Im sure.. it never did in this field.
And the main thing is that I can't act. My mother thinks that that is the least important thing.
"Look at Katrina Kaif," she says.

But I don't want to be a bad something when I can be a really good something.
I don't want critics to pan me.. and I know they obviously will because I can't act. My reaction expressions are not good.

So its no then.

My dad is down with food poisoning.
He's much better now, after the doc gave him effective medicines.
What if my dad had decided not to get married?
It would be much worse.

I am getting married, if i can.

xxx

I look fine now, even people other than I would say this.
Do you know what helped me?
Entourage.

So the guys are always rating women.
And I wondered what number I would be?
What would a random guy rate me?

I didn't even want to know the answer. I was too scared.
I wanted a good number.
10 preferably. One must try for 10.

So I made myself improve then.

I saw "I hate luv stories" yesterday.
Imran and his fat, ugly, sorry (that's wrong)
ranking 1/2 friend (any better.. its simply an objective rating)
also rate people.

No one's over 8.
Who's 10 then?
Jessica Alba.
Ya, I guess JA.

So I had a nightmare last night, that Turtle and Imran Khan gave me a 2.
I woke up with tears in ym eyes, and im not even adding any dramatic effect.
Seriously.
Laugh.

My father tells me that i cannot base my self esteem so much on what other's think of me. But what should i do about it. I don't even think of it as what other's think.. rather the bitter objective truth one must accept in order to reach high levels of excellence.

(I do hope you guys know when i am being sarcastic in my narrative)

I must meet real people!