Coll is beginning tom.. im jittery.

xxx

I have a strange liking for Nice biscuits and Gems.

In real life, not in the movies, can one actually find someone who loves them and would do things for them?

xxx

If someone could pick just one person in the whole world, would they pick me?
Would someone I like pick me?

And not change their mind about me.

Would someone ever like me enough to want to marry me?

I mean I don't even know if its real.

Would I ever go in for botox?


Absolutely not!!!!!



(Im waiting for them to come up with something better)

And do not assume that you know who I think is gay. I have not given out any clues.

He’s not going to be there for you and he doesn’t want to be there for u. Understand that silly girl.




He does not want you.



I thought that if someone really knew me he would be heels over head in love with me. But that does not seem to happen. People who don’t know me much like me. Maybe I think I am more wonderful than I really am.

Everytime I msg JAF now, i am afraid that he will think that i am getting after him.. not giving him any breathing room.

But im not.
That is not my intention.

See, at least you(reader) now know that.

I started eating again! And I haven't put on weight!
As yet.

I won't. And if I do, I can lose it.

I feel more normal now.

xxx

Wow.
And did I do this for myself?

Well, I am happier. But I did for someone else.
I did it for someone who does not even exist in my life at the moment (or maybe he does).
I did it so that someone would like me, better, because I was more normal now. Because I had one problem less.

So a new prospective person will now meet a Malavika who eats normally, almost.
Who eats at least.

Then the new prospective hypothetical person will have one less reason to not like me.

xxx

I sometimes feel like my only ambition in life has been to find someone to get married to.
I have had short term goals.. like coming first in everything I attempt, but my one long term goal has been to find the right person and get hitched.

I don't want perfect, anymore, I just want nice, some similar interests, and a means to support present std of living.
I don't want financial worries. And im just saying at least present std of living.

xxx

Maybe I did actually start eating for myself actually. Because there is no one there to do it for. Maybe I really do love myself and don't know it as yet.

I think im over him and it.

xxx

Im come to the conclusion that what I should look out for in a man is that:

1) He should be nice

2) He should be able to earn a decent living

That's it.

xxx

What happens when you burn money?


You get ash.

Why doesn't he meet me?
At this point I don't really care if we can't be in a relationship but I want to partake of a social life.

I would mostly go out and do things with him. I mostly meet my other friends only for coffee.

We have fun. I miss his company. I swear that even just as a friend I miss his company.

Is he conscious or something? Is he keeping his distance?
Will things change?

I only keep on messaging him and now im feeling odd.

I am sad.

I feel lonely.

I need attention.

So do u?

I never said that I am not willing to give attention.

I know being with someone is not going to make my life perfect. But we want what we don't have.

I could be with someone and he may not be giving me attention. So im not a pitiable person.

xxx

I need to go out and meet more people.
I would like to hook up.

I ate lunch properly today.
No particular reason for doing so.. just hunger.

xxx

I have to forget about him.
Nothing is going to happen.
Daydreaming is fun but illogical.
Nothing will change.

But can't he be my friend.
Why does he never talk to me generally during the week?
I want a friend.

I want to talk to him but I can't msg him, forget about calling, because I feel like im getting behind him.
He doesnt ever msg or call to chat.
Its not ego, its just that he may not return my sharing sentiment.

xxx

Something happened.
Another friend liked me I think, and when I did not return the sentiment, he did not want to have anything to do with me. Just cut me off.
Cut me off from some things important to me. Things that I cannot mention here just in case this person happens to read it.

In short he liked me, I didn't like him and so he got rid of me.

xxx

They, not JAF, the guys who like me, always do this.
They like me, I don't like them, then they just go off, leaving me with the dissolving scraps of an unreal friendship.
And because they feel hurt, they try and hurt me.

Who cares though?
If I did, i'd have returned their affection.

xxx

My PC screen is so big. Im afraid someone at work will read all of this.
While im typing...

I have a feeling im going to be left all alone at home this weekend. At the most i'll meet my usual coffee group. No one wants me to come out partying.. not as yet atleast.

xxx

My mother shouts at me if I dont wear compact and kajal.
And if I don't carry a comb.
Or my shoes don't match.

xxx

She should live her own life.
I am not her.

xxx

She is not me.

xxx

I can make out that the peon like the accounts lady in my uncle's office.
Where do these peons even come from?
They seem to be the only people on this planet prone to singing all the time, everywhere.