The parsed giver actually has the best physique. Like he has a really good physique. I noticed some time ago when I passed by him on the beach. He's very attractive actually.. very masculine. I feel like I should give him his due since i've only always mentioned him as my friend the.. p-g. But he deserves credit.

After our daily round of the temple.. my sun and me sit awhile in the marble temple courtyard each day.
Today as we were sitting..
"Wait till I get back" said he.. prasad giver. Although he had still given instructions to his temporary replacement to give us more parsed.
My aunt waited till he was back to leave. She is fond of him.

He told me to eat a lot.

xxx

I took an appointment with the nutritionist. I will follow the diet. It will be so much fun to eat a lot. I want to look good on my holiday. I want to wear a bikini.

xxx

My brother has been called by a Hollywood casting director to audition for the role of PI, for the film remake of Yann Martel book "The Life of Pi." Im taking him for it tomorrow. My brother does seem to fit the part. He was hesitant.. because he wants to be an artist.. not an actor. But I told him just to go for fun.

xxx

Ate well today also!

xxx

My brother and me spend quality time together each day watching the sitcom "Bones."

Brother: "Do you think we are the biggest Bones fans in India?"

"Well we're definitely the boniest.. thats for sure."

I honestly ate pretty well today. Im trying not to feel guilty. So far, so good.
Why should I even feel guilty.. even if I did overeat. I "need" to put on weight. I have to eat more. I want to look normal.

I get so conscious when people look at me. I feel like.. they are just thinking "what is wrong with this girl."
At one time I would have thought that they were probably thinking that im looking nice.

xxx

I have decided that I am going to consult a nutritionist, get a diet plan from her.. and just eat what's on it blindly. I know that I have to eat more.. I know what to eat also... but having that chart will help me. Maybe I will feel less guilty. I will be less confused. I will just eat what's on the chart without trying to decide exactly how hungry I am. I will not avoid food till the last second.. when I feel faint.

I will just eat all those yummy, fattening things.
Because I want to look good. And I will.

And once i've put on some weight I can eat less. Hopefully I will have learnt how to eat by then. Hopefully I will not be as afraid of food.

xxx

I hate laptops. I need PC's.

They gifted me a Rudraksh mala at ISKCON today.
My aunt told the parsed-giver that I must get one.
He told the father.
The father got me two!
He's a telecom engineer from B'lore originally.
And has two daughters.

xxx

I will not be mean to people for no reason. I will be nice to people. I have too many issues.

xxx

When I tell anyone that i am going to do my MBA they are all like "wow." I feel more worthy.

xxx

If you tell me that a man is looking at me, I will think he is doing so because I look ill. I know that no one will look at me. And im going for a holiday. I want to look good.. but I don't know how to want to eat. I want to look healthy but I don't know how to eat. I was considering taking a protein shake.. but im worried like if I start looking bulky then again I will be unhappy.

Im giving myself 2 weeks. If I still don't put on weight then I might try the protein shake. But what do they do exactly?

My aunt said that she will take me out for dinner twice a week. The psychologist aunt. I know I need a push. I am scared of eating out but I think this will do me good.

Don't I want to wear a bikini in Singapore?

I was fine.

xxx

Maths is keeping me sane. Without problems to solve I would go crazy with boredom.

We humans don't hunt anymore. Its a world of specialised delegation. We delegate till there is work no more. And then we get bored.
And spend money to do things.
Want money.
Love money.
Need money.. to do things..

Actually the simple thing is that we are just bored.
We don't know what to do with life.
We think someone will tell us.
But no one knows.
So we only make up reasons and purposes.
But there is nothing.

I ate yesterday.
One of my favorite things.. Onion Rava Sada Dosa.

And I don't feel guilty.

xxx

I have offered my services as a volunteer to the Prithvi Theatre Co. for their summertime kids workshops and also for the purposes of back stage production. They said they would call us. It will be something to do, and its only for two months. I like being around stories. Really, I love stories. And they are not always other's to tell. I will also tell my story.

xxx

"Gandhian," the term, is so sluttily used in popular media. Anyone who doesn't lie once is bequeathed.

I need to read Gandhi.. to figure out what I think about him. But did he become senile what? Sleeping naked with his nieces and other hot, young Gandhian women. Whatever reason he had for it.. it was selfish for him to use other "People" for his personal purposes. I am sure Abha(the niece) had like a terrible childhood scar.

I like Nehru.. not his daughter much.

xxx

Ever since I have started going to ISKCON, I have never seen the gods repeat a pair of clothes. So they make a new set every day! Do they rotate the clothes among the various branches of their temples?

Well.. I guess people visit the temple everyday and they need something new to see. And some worshippers believe that you must focus on the idol.. in order to clear your mind of all thought.. just focus on the form, beauty and work on the idol.

xxx

The life of a devotee.. any religion.. is an easier life. You just pray.. you get food.. and there is no expectation from you whatsoever.

There is no expectation to work and achieve things. No one judging your success. Because "you have renounced the world! You don't believe in material things! You are a saint! You are worshipped!

No one's pointing fingers and saying what a loser you are and how your brother earns more and has sent his kids to study in America.

You pray.

You have no family. No one expects anything from you. You don't have to do anything for anyone. You are friendly with all the other devotees but there is no obligation or duty.

You are free from the pressures of the world.. and people even think that you are really great for giving it all up.
Giving what up?

You can even travel all over the world perhaps.. to the big ISKCON temple in California.
And the crowd is also good.

Should I just become a devotee... hahaha.. in California.

I can start yoga classes and teach Brad Pitt.

And sell sari's and bindi's at crazy prices.

I can't wear a bikini on the beach I suppose.

You win some, you lose some.

I don't know about having affairs.. I think you can have.
Or they might be strict.. I don't know.

This world.. is a joke.. its not serious at all.. everything is time-pass. Everything is as important as anything else.

Yesterday my family had their periodic nice big all inclusive fight, with physical action!

Ya..

I have cousin who is mentally challenged. This is why he freely shoves his hand into his bottoms overtime he views me (and even smiles propitiatingly). Idiot.

Anyway.. he sits the entire day in my grand-uncle's house. It is his habit to go to my uncle's house every night at 10p.m., have a cup of tea, and refuse to leave. It gets very inconvenient for them.. they are old and wake up early.. but its V's habit.

They should have stopped him years ago. He does not listen.. right.. but intimidation requires no reason. I scare my cousin.

So last night he went to their house. I don't know what happened but V's mother fought with other grand-aunt(m) and she told my grand-uncle never to let her son into grand-aunts house. There was no reason but they fought.
With the garden lights out.. so that the peering neighbors would not see the physical violence.

Then my grand-father went down to stick his nose in. He fought with M and hit her with his walking stick (hefty bamboo fashioned by him, himself from the bamboo growing in our garden). She began to cry.. everyone began to cry. V opened my main door and let my stupid dog out who began to bark and bite everyone.

I put off the TV and opened the windows further (all the better to catch the action my dear).. sprayed on some perfume and went for my friends surprise birthday party.

What they do!

What can I do!

xxx

First of all why do I hate everyone. I carry so much hate and anger. I don't want it. If I truly do not want it then I won't have it. Anger is our indulgence. There is no reason for it nor does it serve any purpose. We just feel pitiable and demand sympathy and consideration. Idiots-us all.

So.. I don't want to dislike everyone. Am I mad. I contain all the worst traits from everyone in my family. My grand-father also hates everyone. I scream and am rude like my mother. I am skinny like my brother. I am lazy like my father. I have no friends like my grand-father. I am mad like V.

See im still indulging.

I will not be angry. And I will love. And I will try and be a people's person. Yeah!

xxx

The party was okayish. I could not bring myself to eat the fried snacks.

'Ye kya hai?," I ask the waiter pointed at something that looked like fried mini idli's.

"Cripsy Veg"

"Aur ye?"

"Cripsy Veg"

"Dono?"

"YES"

To another waiter "What is this?"

"Chicken balls"

"Kya?
Party Gujju log ne diya hai.. cheese balls honge"

"Haan haan.. shayad"

xxx

The highlight of the party was musical housie.
You mark off songs instead of numbers. Live singers belted out the tunes. Unfortunately they chose the worst songs and the game was a flop.

xxx

Its so typical.. the Gujju uncle's settled at the bar and the aunties had the fried idli's oops cripsy vegg-es.

xxx

The husband surprised the birthday wife by specially and secretly flying down the daughter who is studying in NY, for the event.
Nice.

Who is flying me to NY?

Me, myself. In the future. There is no God-father. People who get things done realized that last year.

xxx

I have forgotten how to eat.
I don't want to look ugly.. as I do..
But I don't know how to eat. I just can't..

But I don't want to look ugly. I am sure people comment on my breadth when they chance upon me.. I can feel it.

I used to look good.
But I have always been scared of myself.
At he moment, I am actually quite comfortable with my body.. but apparently its not comforting to look at. Its not right.. again.

Everyone else looks so hot.. so fit.. and im like this joke..

xxx

Im going for a surprise b'day party.. of a friend who has a daughter my age.. other couple..
My twenty something friends don't really meet me.. so why fret..
Anything is exciting if u look at it in wonder..

I make my life more exciting by pretending that im reading the story in a book.. it suddenly becomes exotic and interesting..

xxx

The temple visit is one of the highlights of my day.
I get to meet people.
I get some attention from men.
Even the ones who are viewed as unfriendly.
He was friendly to me. He's attractive.. but is he not married.
He's quite high up in the temple hierarchy.. were those his kids?
He's sexist.. he stopped women prostrating.. do u know that the women are not allowed to prostrate at ISKCON. The special privilege is preserved for men only.
Ya, im so sad.

Making people beg for things that are empty.. except for their ban. And that is what gives them value.

That is the world.

We are a people used to completing things. We need full stops. The end's.
Blanks irritate us.

So when u cannot do this.. there is a blank.
Why can u not do it.. what is it really..
u need to do it..
NO

Now u really need to do it.. there is a space.. until u do it the space .. irritates.. it must be done..

Our brains are like that.. so we don't even want it actually.. but the gap is just irritating us..

The lack of control.. irritates us..
The lack of choice..
So we want to do it..

xxx

Like bursting bubble wrap.. why why why???

Like the rule of 3.. up, down,up.

xxx

He.. the good looker from the beach..
He's enlisted those guys who practice stunts on the beach to teach them to him.
Good idea.

Him and his father.
They look at me..
must wonder why I lost weight..

He can do crazy somersaults now..

The stunt guys have started classes.. they have many students now..
And they r fit.. and who wouldn't wan tot learn how to do crazy somersaults..

I would.. but I won't be allowed..

I've climbed mountains..

I am trying to be more sociable. I actually spoke to people in my class!

xxx

I got a special flower from the temple high priest. The sacred one with chandan (sandalwood) and attar. I don't know why he gave it to me.. alone. I guess he had to give it to someone in the audience.

The old lady really likes me. She even gives me fruits from those offered to the deity. SriRasbihariJi. Guava and Oranges.
The mangoes she kept for herself.

xxx

Now I scuttle down the rabbit hole.
Im off to watch Alice In Wonderland.
Wow!!

I am a self piteous brat.
Its shameful.
I am sorry dear parents.. I am a terrible, terrible daughter.

Freudian machinery

I cannot understand some things.. like my feelings towards my parents.. and my feelings towards sex.

Not related.

Why do I hate them.. why is it common for human beings to hate their parents. Is it because they are the most visible, thus obvious targets for personal frustrations.
Like we are frustrated by our own failings and we transfer the pain to another object. The object that most easily comes into view. Default target?
Then its really wrong.

I mean, they do so much for me and still I hate them.. why?

One reason could be that I have always been greatly embarrassed about not having money. I have lied about it.. made excuses for it.. the lack of it.. have always felt shameful.
As early as when I was a child.. I would lie about my position. I was concerned with position as I realized that position buys attention and niceness.. so why not lie about it. I didn't even look great.. was not popular.. so why would people be nice to me.

People my age never really liked me when I was young.. I was not very animated I guess. I was not used to people.. I had grown up alone among adults in my bungalow with no interaction with kids my age.. I was not.. animated.

So why would they find me fun? And I had strange ideas.. I read books.. I knew things.. I didn't speak unfactually..

I was an outsider.. I was concerned with power..
Why was I an outsider.. what still makes me one?

A lack of ability to make friends?

A lack of people approaching me to be friends.

Coming back to.. money.. which ashamed me.

xxx

I have never understood why my mother always embarrassed me in public.
You know when you are making someone uncomfortable.
She knew.
But maybe she believed that the act HAD TO BE committed.. the act of embarrassment.. since it served a purpose higher than the embarassee's situational pain.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt.. maybe she thought that the embarrassment was 'necessary' in those situations.
But the pain..
emptied.. that whats it felt like.. scooped out my viscera.
And as a result I hated her.

It did not help that she is not the nice/ sensitive or the motherly type. Its not her personality.

I hated her and I hated my father for liking her.

I hate her relatives also.. i've noticed.. because they are HER relatives.

I was jealous of sharing my father's affections with her..
Freud
So did I hate her because I was jealous.. Oedipus complex.. or did I hate her.. validly.. and was also jealous.
Reason or factors?

And now I hate my father also.. not hate him.. but am disappointed by him.. because he is not a man of action.. and he does not give me attention anymore.

He stopped giving me attention or giving attention at home ever since he started photography. He found himself!

Individualism has no space for others.

xxx

I hate him because he forgot me. I found several reasons to support my hate. He was the nice one.. the one who stopped the screaming.

My mother scratched.
And screamed.

xxx

Is my present love of kids a way of fitting in now.. when its easy.. since I could not fit in with them then. They like me now.. I am popular with them now.. but I was laughed at then.
Its a thought.

xxx

Many thinkers have felt this alienation.. some obviously because they were Jews in Nazi Germany.
That is quite different.

But could it be because they too had strange ideas that people..sensed on some level.. and could not digest.

I am not saying I am great like them.
(Anyway.. what is greatness? Its a mirage.)

I just have some different, against the tide thoughts.

Yesterday my brother had his maths tuitions at our place. I met some of his friends..

The not very liked boy - "Hi. I am X Bhatia. I was the Citizen of the year 2009. I can speak 8 languages."

Laughter from other tutees.

Me: "Hi, wow 8 languages.. that's amazing (I sincerely believe)
Abu (stop laughing) it is amazing!

Abu: Ha.. X tell her how many words in each language.. (uncontrollable laughter)

X : "Well.. 8 word in Bengali.. some Gujurati.. etc etc etc"

Later..

"Abu, i've noticed..
People are like that.. Citizen of the year 2009"

So I get a friend request from Ankit Saraf saying "Care for some friendly conversation? I may be able to help you with ramp walk with a prominent designer."

Which means "I know I am ugly and have nothing going for me. So I do hope you are stupid, frustrated and hopeful enough to believe my shit."

And some girls even buy it.. I mean if not totally.. they want to believe it.. because it can get so frustrating.. not moving anywhere. You want to believe anybody and anything.

And this guy is just a regular third-grade liar taking advantage of a situation that he has the benefit of seeing clearly. People like this do good business.. seeing these opportunities and taking advantage of them.. even if it is morally wrong.

But morality is a lie that only children and emasculates believe... right?

There's a big party today, being thrown by my Mama for my Nani's 85th birthday on the 10th of march. He always throws parties at the 'Piano Bar.'

I hate food.
But I love reading about it, although I limit myself.. because it makes you want to eat something. Its exactly like advertising.. creating unnecessary and previously non existent desires for things.

These desires serve a purpose. Demand creates jobs in the global economy. And the desires give one satisfaction. But the satisfaction is fleeting and unreal. It is so fleeting. Like the satisfaction you get from eating good food.

xxx

I think that my grandfather thinks that I am a mental case. When ever he see's my mom and me arguing and me getting terribly upset he'll always tell my mom to "Be more understanding. She has a problem," which is sweet.. but I feel like a mental case. Maybe people think that I am a mental case as they must think that I have strange thoughts and habits.

Should I tell you??

Ok... I don't care how mental you think I am.. but..

Like whenever possible I must jump 5 times after reading a page of a book.
Read a page, jump 5 times, read next page and jump 5 times and so on till page raise to n.

Why?
Well the only thing I do all day is read. I do not move. That feels slothful.. this is how I feel less slothful. I have spent a large part of my life striving to be ultra fit. Just sitting and reading the whole day feels sick. Many people might relate to this. So I jump, then I feel less guilty about doing nothing..

See people have kids to feel less guilty about doing nothing. People try to make themselves believe that work is the purpose of life, that there is a purpose to life, to feel less guilty about doing nothing. We all invent reasons and then do activities to feel less guilty about doing nothing in our lives.. do even I did. But my invention goes against the norm.. so I am a mental case.

And I am justifying myself.. I realise.. because who likes to feel like a mental case?
No one will get married to me.

xxx

Senseless acts... make perfect sense to the people committing them. So how many sensible things did you do today?

The pigeons came looking for their conception.

I have a new dream... IIM!
Oh god!!!

Totally wow!!
Breath out..

I will work hard.. and get into some good school.. but the dream has to be the dream.. just for fun if nothing else..

xxx

The old lady at the temple regularly gives me fruits.. she must like me..

xxx

An expat carried her own mini beach-chair to the beach yesterday evening. She chilled out with Vogue, while the eunuchs, all dressed up, savoured their Kingfisher pints.. gifted by boyfriends.
You know.. THEY are the liberals and open minded-ers.

She wore a smile that said "Fuck-you all.
I know you want me to. I know you outwardly laugh then come... in to me.. I know all your secrets.. who laughs then ...pretty boy?
so fuck you fuck you fuck you."

She was pretty.. and the boys gave respect you know. She wasn't anyone.. she was the pretty one. Who wasn't scared.. not just pretty.. pretty because she wasn't scared.

xxx

On dating a devotee..
I mean.. like I think its pretty exciting..
well..

xxx

A pigeon just laid an egg on my bed.
What a stupid, unsafe place to lay an egg.. like how does their species survive even..
Dodo's

I am now allowed to go for movies and out with friends once a week.. and I can even go and work in my uncle's office for a couple of hours.. that will be nice..

Am I messed up?.. or do other people also think about food so much..
they must be thinking of it happily.. if they do..

My brother's friends gave him really nice presents. Its so nice to get presents. My friends and me used to never give each other presents..

xxx

There is this girl I have always seen walking on the beach..
She is a skeleton.. u can't walk past her without mentally thinking.. oh my god.. how is she so thin.. and then why is she walking.. to increase appetite.. to be healthy..
She always walks with this guy..
I've always wondered..

And the other day she came and asked me how come I had lost so much weight.. "Don't mind.. but its just that we've always seen you so fit.."
I said I have a hormonal problem.. which I do.. but thats not quite it is it.. but how can I say..

Maybe she is anorexic.. and thats why she asked me.. to know if we're both killing ourselves.. in my case were.. I am done with it.. I promise you.. tendencies remain but I am done

She might have wanted to know.. but how can I say..
This should have shocked me know... jolted me.. but it didn't..

Today is my brother's birthday. Yesterday he had a party at home, in the garden. It was quite nice.. he put a durrie on the ground, cushions, pillows and lamps. Hw set it up next to this carved stone sofa set that we have next to the bamboo trees in the back garden. He even got some coal and they roasted marshmallows.
Food disturbs me.. fattening, outside food. I feel like its so wasteful to eat it.. the taste does not compensate for the calories. I pick on it like a sparrow... and even then feel sorta guilty..
Not too guilty.. because I know how to control the scale.. it is my boon and bane.

I should have interacted with my brother's friends.. they seemed like fun.. but I did not want to be around the food.. as I would not be able to control myself and eat it.
So I sat upstairs in my room and watched the TV alone.
This was how it had made me a loner.
And I think I even have self control.. I do.. I do.. so I should risk it next time..
Mistake committed but lesson learnt for the next time.. its not over..

I woke up at 3a.m. eat.. coffee and biscuits..
I don't feel guilty though.. I won't.. not until the scale moves forward..

All of the restaurant ordered chinese food is in the fridge.. oh my god.. with the twix brownie cake..
and one of my brothers friends gave me 12 donuts for a birthday present.. 12 assorted donuts.. and i've tried most of them.. but they r still they.. and I can't wait for them to be gone..