Coll is beginning tom.. im jittery.

xxx

I have a strange liking for Nice biscuits and Gems.

In real life, not in the movies, can one actually find someone who loves them and would do things for them?

xxx

If someone could pick just one person in the whole world, would they pick me?
Would someone I like pick me?

And not change their mind about me.

Would someone ever like me enough to want to marry me?

I mean I don't even know if its real.

Would I ever go in for botox?


Absolutely not!!!!!



(Im waiting for them to come up with something better)

And do not assume that you know who I think is gay. I have not given out any clues.

He’s not going to be there for you and he doesn’t want to be there for u. Understand that silly girl.




He does not want you.



I thought that if someone really knew me he would be heels over head in love with me. But that does not seem to happen. People who don’t know me much like me. Maybe I think I am more wonderful than I really am.

Everytime I msg JAF now, i am afraid that he will think that i am getting after him.. not giving him any breathing room.

But im not.
That is not my intention.

See, at least you(reader) now know that.

I started eating again! And I haven't put on weight!
As yet.

I won't. And if I do, I can lose it.

I feel more normal now.

xxx

Wow.
And did I do this for myself?

Well, I am happier. But I did for someone else.
I did it for someone who does not even exist in my life at the moment (or maybe he does).
I did it so that someone would like me, better, because I was more normal now. Because I had one problem less.

So a new prospective person will now meet a Malavika who eats normally, almost.
Who eats at least.

Then the new prospective hypothetical person will have one less reason to not like me.

xxx

I sometimes feel like my only ambition in life has been to find someone to get married to.
I have had short term goals.. like coming first in everything I attempt, but my one long term goal has been to find the right person and get hitched.

I don't want perfect, anymore, I just want nice, some similar interests, and a means to support present std of living.
I don't want financial worries. And im just saying at least present std of living.

xxx

Maybe I did actually start eating for myself actually. Because there is no one there to do it for. Maybe I really do love myself and don't know it as yet.

I think im over him and it.

xxx

Im come to the conclusion that what I should look out for in a man is that:

1) He should be nice

2) He should be able to earn a decent living

That's it.

xxx

What happens when you burn money?


You get ash.

Why doesn't he meet me?
At this point I don't really care if we can't be in a relationship but I want to partake of a social life.

I would mostly go out and do things with him. I mostly meet my other friends only for coffee.

We have fun. I miss his company. I swear that even just as a friend I miss his company.

Is he conscious or something? Is he keeping his distance?
Will things change?

I only keep on messaging him and now im feeling odd.

I am sad.

I feel lonely.

I need attention.

So do u?

I never said that I am not willing to give attention.

I know being with someone is not going to make my life perfect. But we want what we don't have.

I could be with someone and he may not be giving me attention. So im not a pitiable person.

xxx

I need to go out and meet more people.
I would like to hook up.

I ate lunch properly today.
No particular reason for doing so.. just hunger.

xxx

I have to forget about him.
Nothing is going to happen.
Daydreaming is fun but illogical.
Nothing will change.

But can't he be my friend.
Why does he never talk to me generally during the week?
I want a friend.

I want to talk to him but I can't msg him, forget about calling, because I feel like im getting behind him.
He doesnt ever msg or call to chat.
Its not ego, its just that he may not return my sharing sentiment.

xxx

Something happened.
Another friend liked me I think, and when I did not return the sentiment, he did not want to have anything to do with me. Just cut me off.
Cut me off from some things important to me. Things that I cannot mention here just in case this person happens to read it.

In short he liked me, I didn't like him and so he got rid of me.

xxx

They, not JAF, the guys who like me, always do this.
They like me, I don't like them, then they just go off, leaving me with the dissolving scraps of an unreal friendship.
And because they feel hurt, they try and hurt me.

Who cares though?
If I did, i'd have returned their affection.

xxx

My PC screen is so big. Im afraid someone at work will read all of this.
While im typing...

I have a feeling im going to be left all alone at home this weekend. At the most i'll meet my usual coffee group. No one wants me to come out partying.. not as yet atleast.

xxx

My mother shouts at me if I dont wear compact and kajal.
And if I don't carry a comb.
Or my shoes don't match.

xxx

She should live her own life.
I am not her.

xxx

She is not me.

xxx

I can make out that the peon like the accounts lady in my uncle's office.
Where do these peons even come from?
They seem to be the only people on this planet prone to singing all the time, everywhere.

I have a very bad habit of lying. White lies lying.
It started in my youth.

I began to white lie so that people would have a better impression of me. Even at 10 I was extremely conscious about the image I portrayed. I lied about facts so that id be better than I was, and it became a habit.

Its a bad habit and can be very embarrassing when the truth comes out. I know that people must be thinking that im weird.. but i cant help it.. its happens before I can control it. And the lies are so stupid. They do not serve any purpose.. they just destroy my image infact.. and yet.

I will stop.

Oh God.. do I sound like a mess. Ive never admitted to anyone about my lying before.. but I want to stop.
I want to be clean.

Who's going to like me like this.. with all my rubbish.

But I suppose other people also have all their rubbish.

And im a nice person and very loving and i dont think badly of people. So these are my good points.. and I think they far outweigh my other rubbish.

I know which title i'd win...
Lowest Self Esteem.

I keep telling myself that id make an attempt to eat properly if someone loved me.. id do it for them.. id do it so that they would not stop loving me. But im not willing to do it for myself.

Can you imagine, all the while when I was wasting myself away to anorexia, I kept on telling myself that id stop when someone loved me. I'd stop when he would tell me to stop.

Its almost as if I was punishing myself. But punishing myself for what? For not being to find someone? For not being good enough for anyone. Probably that.

Punishing myself for not being good enough for somebody else. What a crime to commit for striving to be perfect Malavika.

Ive never believed that i hate myself.. yet how come im not willing to do something good for myself? How come im only willing to do what i must for somebody else?

xxx

I never wanted to lie to JAF. I told him everything. It was like here I am with my problems.. but please still like me. I wanted him to know everything because he'd have to..

I really don't know what he must have felt after knowing all of this. Was it too much for him to handle? Who wants problems?

And there were also other problems.

I must have absolutely scared him off.

xxx

I have a bad habit of talking too much. I come out with everything that's in my head.. and my head thinks a lot of profane things. I mean when he told me that its not going to work out I came out with a whole spiel about how im going to be single and thats why im working.. to buy my own house.. and how everyone else is going to be married and taking their kids to swimming lessons on sunday.

Yes I actually said all of that.

He would have won a marathon at that moment, im sure.

Oh God! What have you done Malavika!

Hahaha. Anyway since we're only friends.. we can have a laugh about it.

I hope we are friends. Because I want him to be my friend.

My friends feel that he's just not that into me, because if he was, he would have tried.. something.

Oh God!

I am sad that I didn't really go anywhere this weekend. Its Saturday night and im sitting at home. I have nothing to do. No one to think of.

Oh God!

Now where am I supposed to find someone. 

That's it!
Ur(God) going to make me be a spinster. I know it.

Where am I supposed to find someone?

xxx

Ok. Let me approach the matter logically.
Fine.
What has happened has happened. I just need to keep my senses alert. On the look out.
Oh, you think this is funny.. all this looking out.
Let me tell you its bloody sad to be alone all the time. Im sad. Who's going to care about me then?

Everyone is going to be married and have a family and stuff to do with their family and im going to be sad.

Ok.
Maybe some of them will have families and be sadder. But generally speaking the family-ed will be happier.
And at least my family would have been happy. Because I don't fight with people and create stress. I try and understand people. I would love what I had and not question it or try and constantly ascertain how good it was.
Im nice and pretty and I would be bloody loyal. And I can't imagine why these nice boys dont want a nice girl with long legs to be loyal to them.
Its a bloody waste I tell you.

xxx

So God, are you going to make somebody just pop out from somewhere or ur giving me spinster-hood?
I watched the movie 'Another Year' and I am convinced that I will not be happy unless I am married.

And why can someone nice not give me attention?
I don't want those stupid people in the clubs. Yuck.

xxx

See, it could be so tempting to day dream about scenarios where he goes against his parents wishes and changes his mind etc. But I won't do that. Its not logical.
And I don't have a habit of wasting my time.

Its over with him. There is no hope. At the most I can have a fling. But it will be a mirage. I may feel good for some time and then what.. I will be left behind.

xxx

I should add that this situation has created an opportunity for the aforementioned and I to be really really good friends.. with this matter out of the way. Think about it.

In fact its even exciting. It could be our secret.

xxx

Oh and by the way, I got into Symbiosis. Apparently I was on the waiting list!
Ya, gosh!

But im not taking it. I want Welingkar. Im taking a risk. If I don't make it there I will look for a job and do my CFA. I don't want to leave bbay for 2 years. Im too old. I'll come back when im 26 and have to make friends all over again. I cant do it.

I also got into TAPMI and GIM.

God kinda gives me what I want. Admission. An article in the Times of India about my career shift.
And something else.. very private.
He doesnt give me love, but he gives me everything else..
Maybe thats his trade off.

Oh god!
So I told you that I told him.
So we met to talk about it.

And he needs to get married to someone of his community and his parents are looking out for someone and so he can't be in a relationship.

xxx

But thank God that I know. So then I won't think of him that way or expect anything.
Thank God I told him so now I won't waste any more time.

xxx

I always like the wrong people.
I don't take cues o what?
Stupid me.


Who will I find?
There is nobody left.

Who's going to care about me?

For Rs.5 you get 6 pieces of Orbit gum.
For Rs. 10, you get only 9 pieces!

How does this work?
Are they relying on the laziness of the overtaxed urban middle class mind?

In the mood for some dark comedy?

Well I finally gathered up the courage to message him.
And

I don't think the message got delivered.

The thing is, you get a D on your blackberry messenger when u send a msg which indicates delivery and I didnt get one.

I can't send the same msg again.. thats a little silly.

Fuck.

I prepared myself for everything except for failure of delivery.

Lesson- Life cannot be planned or preempted.

Im taking a risk. Im just going to tell him that I like him so that I get to know what his views are on the same.
I am spending too much time thinking about it so if he says that he's not interested, I can know for sure and move on.

Its really scary but I have to do it.

I don't think he likes me.

But should I ask him? What if he doesn't like it?
Like what if he just thinks of me as a friend and then feels really awkward with me after I tell him this.
Shit, I have to take the risk.

I recommend stumbleupon.com (for free)
Its a good way to pass your time.

I made a statement about the PS being a major waste of time and how i'd never buy it.
I just feel that you will not gain anything from it.
You gain something from any movie, but what can you gain from playing a game on a PS.

I think its ok to use when one is hanging out with friends, but otherwise im sure one has better ways to spend one's time.

You may ask what is wrong with using a PS if your intention is to waste time anyway?

Well, I think with a PS, you will waste more time than necessary.. it is difficult to stop playing.. you might sleep less.. and instead if you:

Sleep - It will refresh you and bring your life into perspective, perhaps, at best.

Eat - Don't do that. I mean if you are bored.. because then you might put on weight. Find something else to do!

Read - Amazing, you will gain something

Watch a movie - Good, Amazing, same as above

Chill - You might learn something interesting or funny, improve your social skills, destress, find a life partner or romance.. etc

But when you PS, what do you get, better finger speed? Don't tell me reaction time. Fucking if there was a fire you would still want to wriggle in a few moves before you ran out to save yourself. Reaction time bloody hell.

And what else? Strategy? Fuck! Its a fucking Game! I don't see how you are supposed to learn strategy when you are preempting physical moves that are created by an aphysical person sitting on his ass next to you. What strategy.. you're thinking of his next fake game-move.. so your physical reaction does not improve and nor does your mental.. coz ur game is only concerned with the next punch.. not next statement.

But i'd totally play PS while chilling. I just dont think i'd buy one. And I dont think my kids will be allowed one. But it depends on the father actually. What if he is pro-PS?
Anyway that can be figured out later.. these are just my views on the same.
Game.

I eat too much when I'm just sitting at home. That's another reason why I like to get out.

xxx

Its my hobby to analyse people.

I think girls from south bombay ARE hotter than those further north. Generally speaking.
They have better bodies and look and dress better.
They are better enough to make me get a complex when I partied with some friends in a south bombay nightspot. I felt clumsy and cheap.. but the saving grace to my ego were my looong legs and the fact that some men were checking me out.
Thank-you God for height.

I mean I'm pretty.. but they had good bodies and nice clothes. But one cannot have everything, as my Nani sweetly reminded me today morning. And I'm slim and I guess most girls don't find their bodies perfect.

Some of them also had really nice hair.. but my hair is becoming nicer. Ive been taking better care of it.

xxx

I found it very funny when a short guy was hitting on me. Actually I'd met him this new years at a house party so I spoke to him when he came up to me last night. I thought that he's a friend of the friend who threw the party but it turns out that he' really not.
Anyway.. I'm thinking why is this guy even wasting his time.. (and money on a drink). Like he's soo much shorter than me. How can he even picture us together. He should hit on someone his own size.

But he was direct and to the point. His second or third sentence to me was, 'Are you seeing someone.' It clears the air. I know he's interested and can thus respond appropriately. The problem arises when you don't know. Maybe that means that the guy is not interested, ergo he has not said anything.
So I have my answer for that other guy(usual old one whom I talk about).

And then I was hanging out with this short guy and his friends in the VIP section for a bit, change of scene like, and my guy friend who i'd gone with sent someone to call me back. Concern I guess, but im a big girl, and im not used to babysitting.

xxx

When your in college you don't care if you are with the party-boy. In fact you may even be more inclined towards some party boys. The ones who are too cool to study or work and seem reckless and dangerously succulent. (Oh no, wrong word. Attractive, like.)
But you always grow up to like the investment bankers.

So grow up party boys. You aren't hot. Grow over partying and banging hot chicks.

xxx

Its so funny.. the short guy is like, 'Your perfume is really nice' when i'd actually forgotten to wear any. And he's like I am from New York. What is that supposed to mean. He studied there? What? Then why is he hanging around here since New Years?
What a random showing off statement.

xxx

My mother thinks that guys should spend on me when they take me out. I told her not to inculcate cheapness in me. What rubbish? Why should my friends treat me? Im not going on a date every time. There are so many girls.. why should the guys feel obligated to pay for all of them.

Its really wrong to put things like that in my head. Not that im some person who is easily influenced but why even say all this.

xxx

Why would you want my approval or disapproval for your friends? Why do you care about my opinion? And if they are your friends then how can you put them up for judging in front of someone you have known for lesser time i.e. me.

I told him that I do not pass judgements on people. As if I am better or an authority figure.
xxx

Im lonely and restless.

Do you feel a sense of pride when you tell people that you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?
Like, proud that you could get another free willed person to commit to you.
To pick you. From everyone else?

xxx

How is everyone getting married?
They are all going to be done with it.. and im going to be left.

When I taught the underprivileged kids computers last summer, there was this girl who was quite a character. She created a scare when she told the male secretary of the NGO that her father was planning on selling her sister and brother to someone in Goa. The story did not turn out to be true.

She had a crush on that guy and invented the story to get his attention, sympathy and possibly affection.

Its sad actually. She must have been quite troubled.

She would tell me things like "I've seen you walking around the market and I have always wished that I would get a chance to know you. Now look at where I am!'

She left the class without completing it, and school or she would have been in the 8th standard.

Anyway, the thing that is really troubling me is that the other day I saw her strutting down the road at 1a..m. Ive seen her coming home at 6a.m. in the morning when I go for a morning walk, dressed in tight white tights and a sleeveless white top.

Where was she going?
Who gave her those clothes? She didn't have anything better than a hand me down night gown to wear a year ago and now she's wearing fancy clothes. Real fancy.
And she struts.

Frankly speaking she looks like she's just had sex. She has that look of self assuredness and this awareness of her sexuality, but I cannot assume such things. She's also lost her childhood enamor of me, in fact I think she now views me as some sort of competition. But again.. moving too far away from the facts.

I am shocked. Scared and worried.
I just hope that it is some boyfriend racket and not prostitution.

I can't judge her. Her circumstances are different. I am sure she has major family problems, father issues and she is so poor.

But I feel pain. The girl should be in school.

Eye Liner - A short story.

(I felt an urge to write a story. Not because it was great, but because I had a plot.)

xxx


She doesn’t go out anywhere important without wearing black kajal.


So she was surprised when she couldn’t find her kajal pencil on Wednesday morning. ‘Why, I just wore it to work yesterday,’ she thought. ‘Maybe it’s fallen down somewhere, or maybe I kept it near the other mirror.’ She told herself that she will find it once she gets back home from work. No time now.

She got home and checked under all the cupboards, in the bathroom, other rooms, but it wasn’t anywhere to be seen. ‘Damn, I’ll have to buy another one,’ she thought without feeling particularly sad. The way you feel sad when you lose a mass produced, easily replaceable, not too expensive consumer product. Category-cosmetics.



The makeup kit in which she used to keep all her makeup seemed emptier than usual. ‘Oh the mascara is not their either’.

And the lip-liner.

Pink lipstick.

Increasing panic.



Its not lost! Its stolen.

‘Mama, 4 things are missing!’



‘Oh yes. The maid was absent yesterday and sent her young daughter instead. The one who likes fancy things a bit too much.’

You can see that in some people.



‘She must have taken it. It can’t be the other maid because she’s been here since a while and nothing has gone. Or maybe it went in stages and I only noticed when she took the kajal because I wear that everyday.'



‘It’s the young girl. Her eyes are everywhere,’ mother decided.



Mother confronted the young girl’s mother. The other mother felt hurt in the same way you do when someone accuses a family member, even one with a reputation.



‘Oh! I hope she doesn’t spit in my food or cleans my room badly,’ fretted the daughter.



‘I've already asked my daughter,’ said the maid, ‘and she told me that she hadn’t taken it.’

So the mother also thought that there could have been a chance.



‘I don’t want the daughter cleaning my room. What if I don’t get that shade of pink again. Besides I can’t keep on wasting money buying the same things over and over again. I’d rather buy a nice dress to wear next Friday night.’





A few days later it was discovered that the grandfather’s toolkit was missing.

‘It must have been the father’s peon,’ he tried to deduce.

‘Or the maid,’ said the grand daughter.





xxx



The young man had been sent up to deposit a heavy package. Seeing no one around he thought that it might be the perfect opportunity to explore the room of the young daughter.

What he really wanted was to breathe her space. Touch her clothes.

All those rows of make-up. Surely she won’t miss a few of them.



She wouldn’t. But the man chose one that she would.



Fast now. Must leave.



He thought about giving some stuff to his newly wedded wife. The one who becomes the girl he stole from late at night. You know.



But he just kept the stuff with him in his pocket. He hadn’t dared to take the black brassier.



And he really didn’t take the tool-kit.

Dude.. they are having a party in the office next door at the BSE.
SBI results were out today and the guy next door short sold the stock in the morning.. i.e. it make a lot of money out of the bad results.

I can hear Karan Johar movie music through the walls + old uncles giggling.

Shoe bites seem to be caused by foot wear rubbing against moist skin.
I used to get the most terrible shoe bites with my work shoes because I have to walk a lot on my way to work. But that's now a thing of the past because I have begun to wear ankle length stockings.
I don't have a problem anymore, and whats more, my feet do not get tanned and are really clean.

I wish that I could have gone out more this weekend, instead of sitting at home watching movies continuously.

I went out Fri night. That was fun.
And then Sat night. That was OK.
So I came home early.

I wish I could have gone out more.

xxx

My friend and her boyfriend broke up after going out for 4 years because my friend is getting married to someone else.
Her family did not really warm up to her boyfriend. They did not find him "matching up to their standards."
That could mean a lot of things. He thinks that it means money.
Money must have been a large part of it.. not that he's badly off.. but maybe not as well off as them.

He's very angry, of course.
He's been bitching about my friend.
Yes, I still meet him.. we have close common friends.. and he's good company besides.
But bitching.
I guess he can be allowed that, but I feel bad.
That's not just my friend, but someone he loved.
If she was all these bad things then why did he love her for so long?

Its not nice.. but I guess I have to allow him anger for some time.

But that is also my friend whom he's talking about.

xxx

I get quite carried away when I hear his side of the story. In that moment. Then I come home and realise what I am doing and try to clear my head of biases.

I have been meeting him more often than her.. just circumstances.

I guess me and my female friend aren't that close anymore. Just time I guess.
Or maybe we just need one meeting to pick it up from where we left off.
I'm meeting her tomorrow.

xxx

I don't spend too much time with my brother anymore.
I don't think he thinks too much of me now.

xxx

One of my maids has gone to get married. Her fiance is from Bihar, like her, but he's working at a chemist's in Punjab. She hasn't seen him.
So they will get married, then she's going to come back home and go to his village after 2 years, because she's too young to go now. Between 14-16.
Then she will live with the boy's mother for a year in the village, after which she will be sent to him.
Apparently this is their custom.

xxx

One of the maids stole a lot of my make-up.
I was upset for a while. Its expensive.

xxx

I miss my school kids.

xxx

I wish id have gone out more. I wish id gotten myself more woozy.
I wish id have had an affair.
That would have been something interesting and felt good.

xxx

Sundays are for musing.
An adequateness of time and less than adequateness of activity.

xxx

I enjoy my work. I enjoy having a schedule. And then I enjoy partying over the weekend.
I like getting high and dancing. Its very relaxing. I can make myself become and feel the same pleasure felt by a bunch of children left alone with a nice song.

Night clubs bring me happiness. And there is also the evolutionary promise possibly lurking behind every elbow, which is really one of the main selling points of a nightclub anyway.

I need my scheduled work, and I need the possibility of romance, we all do, with those we know or don't know.
As yet.

Its just an evolutionary thing.

Why love?
That's why love.. Darwin and boredom.

xxx

My mother was keen on a guy for me. She nurtured expectation despite my requests not to do so.
All the weight of her hope, my hope, her questions, my questions, my insecurities, my duty, ground me down to a Mala's squash.

Mala, being my good mother's name.

I had to get out of mummy's pressure umbrella.

"Mama! Stop it, he's engaged now!"

Mother: "Oh, accha"

Me(for added effect) - "To a girl of his caste"

xxx

Beautiful, ya.

So now all the, "It seems like he likes you's" turned into "Actually ya he wasn't into you's".
Quite peaceful overall.

Now such a lovely maneuver should not go by unheard so I confessed to my father.

F: "I thought as much"

Me: "Dont tell her. Promise."

xxx

Now I only have my expectations to deal with.
The defeat can be my secret.

I am being accused of not knowing what I want to do.

But I shall do my MBA in Finance. How is that not knowing?
After that what?

Of course I will take up a job in the relevant field.
So that is my plan, and that is what I want to do.
Thats good enough 'knowing' for me.
xxx

I was being mean about my mother yesterday. I like her a lot more when I am not at home. Thats why I have always wanted to move out.
Why we could even be the best of friends if we lived apart!

xxx

Im sleepy at work.

Oh, some people actually like their parents so much that they put up nice pictures of them when they were young and dedicate status messages to them.

Maybe their mothers are sweet to them.

I cannot totally discredit my parents. After all, whatever they did, good or bad, has made me who I am.
I mean its always the case with everyone.

I feel like given a choice, I won't chat with my mother unless I am feeling too lazy to leave the room.
And every time I meet her in a room, i'll say Hi nicely.. to prevent some fight from erupting.. but it does anyway.

Sorry but as a rational, logical person, I cannot become FB friends with individuals who read my blog.

No offense.

No call.

I don't even know if its the ego or heart that hurts.. to be absolutely objective.

If he's into me, he will let me know.
So figuring this out is not my problem.
I'll just wait and see what happens.

xxx

And don't go thinking that I only think about him or that im obsessed with him because thats all I write about. I write when I need to vent or sort things out and im sorting this out.. other things happen but im too lazy to type.

Nothing much happening in my life.
Just work.. my internship.. and another GD/PI over the weekend.

xxx

I get sadder when im bored..
You know how it works.

I get sadder when im bored..
You know how it works.

Hello "Just A. Friend," (We're going to call him J.A.F. henceforth)
No reply?
Why?
You forgot?

Ok, let us assume that I feel nothing for you. I am your friend who you hang out with. So when you ask me if I want to go out and I say yes and then you say that you will ask 'everyone' and get back to me and you don't.. what is that.. dear FRIEND?

Rude..
If I give you the benefit of the doubt, forgetful.

xxx

Fine, you know, don't be interested in meeting me. Or whatever your other reasons may be.

When you are young, you feel sad and everything.. but when you are older, and you are me, you feel.. like you should just move on and do your work.
Which now is trading stocks. Its so sexy.

xxx

I haven't told you about my sexy new job.
INTRA DAY TRADER.. ya thats right.
Smoking.

So I told you about my friend who trades and is into Private Equity. I have been going to his office and learning from him. I just started doing my own trades.
Im really liking the market..
Most people don't understand stocks at all. I have known for several years that I don't want to be one of those people. There is too much money to be made.

So my desire to 'get stocks' led me to my friend and I made sure I got myself a space in his office and personal training.
I will understand how this works! I shall know the system. No one wants you to know anything about stocks.. but im making sure that I know it.. even though I don't come from a trading family and I have no familial contacts.
Im making my own contacts.
Im making my place.

Im good at doing things you know, networking, picking things up.
These colleges don't notice only.

Even modelling.. I had to network a lot man.
I don't know.. they don't get it, what?
Those colleges.

xxx

Now I'll tell you something that made me feel quite good about myself.
This guy who was in my GD/PI group at SIBM said that he was 'surprised' that I didn't get in.
Yeah.
He's like "From all the people in the group, I thought ud get in."

And this other guy from my class.. really smart ha.. like 99.3 in CET.. thinks im too smart for this college that im eventually planning on going to.

And my Sir at IMS also thinks im too smart for it.

They actually told me that, not my words.

So.. see.. I can make an impression.

My tutor friend also thinks I have good aptitude.
He's like 'You kinda understood the principal of options in a day.. these other guys here (other traders) have been trying to understand it for years. And they don't"

So, well! :-)

See.. what I figured is that if I get admission into 'this' college, i'll take it. Finish off my MBA. If I got noticed now, I shall get noticed then.. I'll do it.. and save time.

I told you that I am confident of my aptitude.
Only the panels don't like me..
But.. Im gonna do it. I know I will do it.

xxx

My IMS colleague found me on FB.
Actually IMS has this 'Achievers Batch,' where they pick up the smart kids and give them specialized training.
So I met this guy there. We didnt speak one to one as such.. but at class we would have mock gd/pi's.
Actually quite a lot of fun.
It would give me a rush.. like trading.

He's cute.. really smart.. im into smart guys.
And he seems simple and nice.

I find nothing more sexy that a man who is super in math.

xxx

I think id have been quite happy in Symbiosis.

xxx

My friend said to take more interest.
I took.
And it backfired.

A tentative plan was made.. and then he didn't call back only.

Why did I listen to my friend!
I should have not taken this excessive interest.

And now its clear that he's not into me.
I should have just let things go on as they were.

Now he's going to think that I have a soft spot for him.
Nothing terrible about that.. but..
Tsk.

xxx

Does it really matter which school I do my MBA from? Why cant I do it from a Welingkar? I mean I cant bear the thought of having to go through this cycle all over again. And then what if I still dont get in! Oh my god no!

Fuck it.. let employers think im the not so bright top school reject.
I'll show them.

If there is anything in this planet that im sure about its my ability to do things.

So last night, my female friend told me that maybe im missing out on something working out with HIM because I come across as having this 'wall around me.'

I don't know about that.
I did think that I try to show like im interested.

I guess other girls are more expressive.. and since im absolutely not, HIM must feel unsure.

But what do I do?

Friend told me to message HIM, take more of an interest in his life.. make plans with HIM to meet.

So I messaged him yesterday.. thus I cannot message him again today.. I can't jump onto him.

Maybe i'll make a plan with him tomorrow.

Let it just take its time.

I think im not putting in an effort because im sort of scared of anything working out, I don't know why.

Like do I like status quo? Or am I scared that perfection will be shattered if we spend more time together. That both of us will like each other less?

I don't know what to do about it.

Actually now I do wish that he does read my blog.

So basically.. it would be nice to be in a relationship.. ive never been in a mature one.. the last time I was 16/17.
A relationship has its benefits for both of us.. it would be interesting to try it out.

I mean eventually I would like to be with someone.. and he's good.

So.. I don't know.. let it just develop and I will try and take more interest.

What if ive already lost him to someone else.

xxx

I have these negative thoughts..

He couldn't like me.

Wouldn't he have dropped me home if he did.

Yesterday my friend asked me what my "ideal situation in life" was.

I thought.

And I didn't know what to wish about.. because I don't know what would best make me happy.
Any which way it will be an adventure.. so I didnt care.

Whether I married or not, whether I was middle class or richy rich.. by virtue of my birth I wont be poor, really, unless there is some unprecedented natural calamity that wipes out everything.

No.. so I may be this or that.. but it will be fun.

xxx

My friend was not impressed. He wanted an ambition filled answer. Like his.. big office.. lots of money.. employees.. you know.. the works.

Maybe men are more ambitious..
Ok.. ok.. maybe I am not that ambitious.

Maybe if I really had to wish for something it would be that I look beautiful, hot and slim forever.

Ya.

And that I have kids.. because I want a family.. it makes you happy. You have something to do.

And thats all I really wanted.

So is it like I am not going to succeed in my career because I have no plan or goal.

Arre.. I am so adaptable.. I pick up things really quickly.. I think I will be great.

And work is work.. its nice but you need a life beyond it.

I am glad I have a blog to write in.. because just the thought that I can update people about my life makes it seem more interesting... like im living in a movie.
Ive always wanted to live in a movie.. infact ive always viewed my life as one.

One that only I am watching, ofcourse.
Try it, its fun ha.
Even the bad things just seem like climaxes.

xxx

The thing with Facebook is that we all seem to view our lives as if they are running soaps.. whether we are conscious of it or not.

My friend sent me a really nice quote yesterday:

"The demand to be loved is the greatest kind of arrogance." - Nietzsche

I think im going to like this Nietzsche.

Only 6 people found me so im back.

Im a greedy girl.

Speaking of which, I have been eating too much.
I travel for work and it makes me very hungry.

I feel very guilty but I tell myself that I am not a model, and I don't need to look perfect.

xxx

There are internet forums where some people have commented about me.
Its because of Femina, people apparently track all the contestants and comment on them.

Some things were fine and some things were not flattering.

Like people saying that im not pretty enough for being Miss Universe, or maybe not pretty enough at all.

And some people saying that all the contestants suck.. and are ugly.

And some people thinking that I am fat... can you imagine.
How did they come to that conclusion?

Because when I went for Femina my hips measured 37 inches.

I lost a lot of weight after that.. I became anorexic.. like actually.. and people on the internet saw those pics and some still called me fat.. because they were referring to the Femina measurements.

I should not be reading all of that. People are weird and bored.. but I cant help myself. Its an itch.. you wanna know when someone is bitching about you.

xxx

So I realised.. that maybe im not that pretty.. maybe I just think that im prettier and smarter than I am, and that im actually quite ordinary.

Its not like im allowing myself to be judged by idiots.. its just that maybe I think I am very great without any reason.

Anyway after my illness I have no idea how I look. Whether I am attractive to people or not.
I feel ugly.

Earlier when I would walk into a room I would be so confident.. now I feel like pleb.

Hide and Seek.

So two days back I changed my domain name.
I wanted to keep my shit secretive.

But no one was viewing my blog.

Which means that the people who were reading my blog googled for me.

Most of them did not just randomly come across it.

Anyway.. only 2 people read my blog yesterday.. so I felt sad and lonely and changed my domain name back to the old one.

So I get attention, but how do I talk about my love life?

What the fuck?

xxx

The thing is, its really no fun blogging if no one is reading it.

And its fun trying to hide identities.

Lets just continue this.

Ok.. no lets try malurane.blogspot.com
Find me!

No one's reading my blog now... since they can't find it.. thats kinda sad.. but what can I do.. Its too intrusive

Yeah!
No one will be able to find me now!

But what if he's already read all that rubbish!

Oh God what if 'he' reads all of this.
Anyone who googles me gets this link first.

And yet I have this compulsive need to write it all.

Thank you God!

Facebook,
Why can't I be friends with myself?

Bad.

I was wondering whether he cared about me.
Then I made myself stop wondering, because I wasnt sure whether I wanted anything to happen between us.

I find relationships scary. Its like the fear of the unknown. Im so used to being single and I know what to expect every day that the element of uncertainty unnerves me.

I think I like him.
One of the reasons I like him is that I want to be loved and cared for. I want that support and everything.

But I am scared.
Why am I scared?

Because what if it doesn't turn out right?
As expected?
Eventually I do not really know him and people are different once you get familiar.

And anyway I am speaking like I have an open offer and the descision is in my hand but I don't even know if he likes me or wants anything.

It just seems as if I am passing my time here, thinking about the possibilities of a romantic relationship.
Nice way to spend a Saturday at home,like.

When I was younger, in college, my female friends and I would carry out very thorough studies on whether our crushes liked us or not.
We would try to interpret guestures, statements, and collected information and use our combined expert opinion to come out with the final conclusion, mostly positive, for the sake of common friendship and all that.

Your friends will always make it seem like the guy is into you so that you can feel better about yourself.
Over time I have realised that this analysis is absolutely feckless though not necessarily a waste of time.
It can be the very passage of time.

Anyway,
basically ive stopped discussing the men im into with my friends as I don't see how the discussion is going to help in any way. Infact it will just increase my longing, optimism and expectations.

I dont talk about him.
I wont think about him.
Till I know anything.

Im not going to make myself unnecessarily like someone.

But on my own, im sure I can, just for a bit, ponder over whether he does like me?
What does he think of me?
Hmmm.
No conclusive evidence, I have, to study.
So why bother with this?

Its just that im 24.. and being single makes no evolutionary sense. Right?

And I also have this lovely theory about how we go about our entire lives in search of the same love and attention we once enjoyed for a brief period of time as children, before it vamooshed as a result of societal norms and decentralisation of power in the parent-child hierarchical structure once we grew up.

Long sentence.

97% in CET.
Was expecting 99.

Anyway maybe it will go up after the marks for the GD/PI are added.

CET results are going to be out today.

In line with my new superstition stratey I would like to states that 'Darlings.. im like totally gonna rock it'!
Yeah!

I am sad.

Because of several reasons.

Firstly I am embarrased about some earlier posts.. but im too lazy to go through all of them and delete the ones I dont like. Thats why I dont want bloody Google to find me.

Secondly I should not go and read discussion forums from my Miss India days.. its very embarrassing. Reading other people's comments can be very depressing.

Thirdly, I hate heartache. Its such a bitch. The unattainable gets stuck in your head.
What is the point of complaining about the sorry state of affairs!
Fuck it!

As it is im going to end up studying outside Bombay, so what is the point?
I would have studied in Bombay had somebody wanted me to. But only my mother wants me to study in Bombay and thats not a want thats good enough. Because she is just being hyper. Shes thinks that I will destroy myself again. Anorexia.

I know I wont.

xxx

I want to find somebody to get married to some day.

No no, not find.. thats the trap.

I want to get married to somebody handsome and intelligent some day.

What is the point of just finding and then looking at him get married to someone else right?
We're not making a movie here.

How do I stop search engines from finding my blog?
I even edited the html, but nothing seems to work.

What if 'he' reads it?
Anyway, how will 'he' know that its him?
Tell me, could you ever be so sure?

Don't be.

I passed the Night Club test last night, at Trilogy.

The Night Club Test is an important descision making tool in my life. For eg. I just knew that I had to break up with the only ex i've ever had when I started looking forward to going to night clubs without him.
I wanted to go on my own so that I could eye all the other interesting male options, smile at them and open the door to several further possibilities.
It was no fun going out with ex, infact it was a veritable pain in the wrist.

Yes, the night club test, a beautiful indicator because the night club is the ultimate source of discovery and temptation.

Unless ur the artsy type.

xxx

So you pass the test, when you dress up and go to a night club without a date, check everyone out and come to the conclusion that your friend back at his home is definitely better.
You make a definite descion.
You are looking so hot in your backless black number but you're not having fun coz no one intersts you.
Yes maybe it was a bad turnout, but the fact is that you are not really looking.
Gosh!

That is a good indicator of wanting to settle down with someone.

xxx

I've never really ever gone to a night club and not wanted to be without a date.

So have I transformed?
Do I think this is the best deal I can get?
Or is it just a case of grass being greener in your garden.

xxx

I am not averse to marriage again.
And if I bring it up like this at every outset, I dont think any guy is going to stick around long enough to partake in it.

xx

Now the tsunami here is that friend is just a friend. In fact there was an approximate distance of 10km between us at the last seating.

And we have never met alone.
'You little tall sucker,' you are saying.

Even Bombay Times says that the best indicator of a person not being interested in you is the fact that he/she only meets you with friends.

xxx

Soon he will get married to someone richer than me and "of his sub-caste."

xxx

Actually I dont know why I am being negative. Earlier I used to have this superstitious belief that good things will only happen to me if I imagine the worst.

But that stopped working.

Worst led to worst.

So I started being positive and started getting good outcomes, which means that I have to change my superstition-strategy.

But I wont allow myself to day dream about him, how much ever fun that may be and no matter how bored I am, because that is wrong and unreal and eventually pain full.

Given half a chance, I fall into attachment.

The benefits of having an anonymous blog are that you can write what you actually feel about things, like a friend's pregnancy.(I hope you don't mind the reference, dear friend)

So I am not going to say anything, here, except that a friend is pregnant, will have been pregnant, which is good, in the circumstances.

The thought of murder did not cross my mind at all. Abortion seemed to me to be the only logical course of action.

The father does not know and nor do 'his' grandparents(friend's parents).
In a tacit knowing agreement my friend and I have decided that the baby is a he. I suppose we've always been a bit partial to baby boys. Must be the whole Electra complex.

So I told her that there is no need to feel guilty, because all guilt is self imposed, and that she just had to do the logical thing. It was a mistake, thats it, whats the big deal?

I didnt feel anything about the child until she told me that she saw the baby in the ultrasound.
That was when I started imagining myself as the mother.

Imaginary me was very proud to be a mother, but she couldnt tell anyone coz she had to abort her baby.
Imaginary me felt lovely and beautiful, fragile and womanly.
Imaginary me felt like a working system, that could do its duty.
Imaginary me, is bloody chauvinistic.

I told my friend how, by default I would feel something for the dad just because I felt so lovely about the baby.

In this case daddy is not a boyfriend, and daddy need not be loved in confusion, I told mother not to be.

I told her about my fears of not being able to conceive myself and then having to face the apathy and disinterest of my partner. I think it is a fear for many women.

To conclude, the great thing is that my friend got to experience something wonderful, maybe its wrong to say this in the circumstances, but I really find the process so miraculous and lovely.
And my friend is lucky because she realised just 4 weeks down. So there is no need for a surgery and she just needs to take some pills that will eject the embryo.

Its very easy to say all of this, but im surprising myself by realising, what is this, that I would be very tempted to keep it. I would be very tempted to tell the father that he's a father, to hope to get married and keep it.

I did not realise this emotion untill this very moment. What is this Malavika?

Oh my God..
who am I?
I did not know this about myself.
I always used to think that I was too unfeeling for my own good.

Imaginary self was just supposed to have an abortion.
She does have an abortion! After all im not foolish. It depends on who the father is.
Im not so foolish so as to get married to just anybody. But for a moment in time you feel something for the partner.
And so what? its like an anesthesia induced halucination.

xxx
I suggested we name the baby. He has a name now.
He deserves a name.

This stats application is very addictive.
I have an idea for Facebook. They should have a stats-like application where every person can track and view his/her profile views.
It will make Facebook even more addictive. People will begin to get competitive about increasing their pageviews. This will lead to more time being spent on FB, more picture uploads, status msgs, comments, likes, etc. This is good for generating ad revenue.
Its hard to believe that FB hasnt thought of this as yet.. maybe they have some reasons for not implementing it.

xxx

Today I realised how protected a world I live in.
I was strolling about in Lokhandwala market today afternoon, window shopping. Actually gaping at all the horrendous clothes on the mannequins. They looked like something a gay character would wear in an insensitive Bollywood comedy. Red harem pants with a deep neck netty top and some horrid shoes.. don't ask.

Who buys all these clothes?
Lokhandwala is filled with wannabe actors and models. They think glamour equals shiny, tight and revealing clothes. They are also bought by dancers and 'party boys and girls' because that is what their clients expect them to wear, and what they like probably.

There are also normal ugly clothes, for student types, mostly. I should not generalize.

Because I passed a shop where something actually looked decent. So I stepped in to have a better look.
I saw a male model who i'd worked with earlier inside.
'Hi' I smiled, although he didnt look too happy to see me.

'Accha kuch nahi chahiye,' (Ok, I don't want anything) he told the salesman and stepped out hurridly.
I walked up to the counter and asked the same salesman to show me the top displayed on the window.
'Sure madam' he said, as he swept aside also the male thongs.

Thongs. Oh thats why he was embarrassed.
And what kinds of thongs.
Net, with zips, holes,laces and other kinds of kinks.

Maybe something a gigolo would wear.
Or someone who's partner likes such garments.

And I realised with a shock that there were stores and stores selling kinky underwear here.
So people must be buying it.
Either for personal or business use.

I mean 'its' obvious. There is nothing to be shocked about.
But I feel sad for the people who have to do this. Its the dark side.
It creeps me out.

I have been kept so protected from all of this.

xxx

Imagine the guys and girls who shoot for all these catalogues of kinky undergarments that are always put up in the changing rooms of these lokhandwala stores.

xxx

And to top it off, when I was coming home, I saw a father begger lecherously handling his daughter while the mother and children were sitting around.
He was touching and talking, not doing anything at that moment, but the look was lust-filled.
And the mother was observing him as if this was the natural way of things.

Ive once seen a young beggar girl having to pee pressed up against a wall on a busy road, while motorists whistled and passed comments. Where would she go?
What must be happening to her at night?
It breaks my heart.

Even a cow wont give birth in full public view, do you know? And these people.

But they still come to the city in hordes. Not the ones who have been born here obviously.
Food and freedom are better than privacy, they must think.

Aww.. thats really sweet Anando. Since im interpreting that as someone reads my blog.
Actually the 'Stats' application informs me that people do read my blog.. that too from all over the world.

But im sure that is true for all blogs.. from the macro perspective, there are a lot of bored people in the world.

It made me conscious of the rubbish I write. But as I have always maintained, I write solely for my benefit.. to complain, release stress and feel good.
I don't write to entertain or inform.
Still if someone wants to read it, good for them!

I mean, seriously, you are all good people.

xxx

Today I went to meet a friend who is a day-trader and private equity guy. I went to figure things out... see if I could learn from him.

I'll tell you my plan. I am waiting for the GIM shortlist which will be out in mid-april. If I get in I will take admission. No wait.. I won't tell you my plan.. because Im not entirely sure how it will affect my admission process.

xxx

Lets talk about Holi.
I didnt play Holi this yr coz I didn't feel like it. I'd gone out fri and sat night so I didnt feel like doing the social thing all over again. Also I didnt really have anyone on hand to go with. I could have done some networking and found someone, but as I mentioned earlier, I didn't feel like it.

There is a new principal at the BMC school. The BMC teachers tell me that she is very strict. Very particular about cleanliness and everything.
Thats a good thing, we shall all agree.

She instructed me to inform my class to 'Have a bath before coming to school one day after Holi. Not so obvious Malavika, we've had incidents.'

No bath after Holi!

Anyhow.. my kids have promised me.

xxx

Today someone tried to rob me.

I was on my way to Churchgate station in a cab, and my wallet was clutched in my hand as I had almost reached my destination.
This guy put his hand through the window and tried to grab it from me. I didnt let go and scratched him as hard as I could. He finally let go of it. Then the cab moved ahead and I didnt know whether to get off and chase him or not.
He looked high.. I was also a little scared of him.
My dad told me that I should have created a scene and people would have gathered and beat him up.
This is Mumbai.

My father also made me sterilize my hands.

It happened so quickly that even my cabbie didnt notice.
Even he told me that I should have called out.

Next time.

xxx

Im proud of myself for being better than the robber today.

I sensed that something was going to happen a nano-second before it did. Thats what made all the difference.

xxx

I went out to 'Aer' on Friday night. Its a lounge located on the 34th floor of the Four Seasons in Worli. It was nice. Loungey.. Im more of a clubbing person myself. I like to get drunk and dance. I can't stand around and talk.

We went to Polyesther's after Aer shut down. Its not happening anymore. I hate the word happenin', but in this case its so succint.
As I had expected, the crowd sucked. There were 'sad' people and 'sadder' foreigners.
Haha.. I just noticed how I separated people and foreigners. no offence. You know about these language technicalities.

I had a Jagermeister shot for the first time.
Oh ya, it was fun.

Id forgotten how much fun it is to be high.

xxx

On Saturday I went for a friends Holi Party at the Marriott!
It was held in the hall where well off people have their wedding receptions.

Lesser well off.

My friends parents had thrown the party. There were all these crazy flower decorations.. and the decor.. yes there was a decor.. was very pop art inspired contemporary.

Flowers, lanterns, pop art Durga pics and for some reason umbrellas. I didnt get the umbrellas. Water...Holi...yes.
But umbrellas is pushing it.

There were rose water and rose petal girls to welcome us as we walked in.

There was even this counter where you could go pick out a perfumed handkerchief for yourself. Something the event manager must have come up with to generate extra revenue. Something the hosts were bound to try out, on a lark.

I choose Khus. I was going for the opiate effects of Poppy, but the scent sucked. I should have taken Rose.

For all my socialist, left leaning friends, I would like to state that this creates jobs. The wealth of my friends was being distributed to other people. Atleast thats how I thinks it works.

xxx

I dont think i'll be able to afford my wedding reception at the Marriott. I mean we can have it if we want to.. but we dont have so much so as to waste money at the Mariott. I would have it some place else.

I am creating a new blog where I can write anonymously.

Yuck!

I cannot manage to get in to any institute.
I dont know how I will manage to get a job.

(Yes I just keep on saying only this again and again, because mostly I write to crib.. and this is the most crib-worthy aspect of my life, presently)

Fuck.

I just want to know where I am going.. get settled into some sort of cycle.
Because right now I feel absolutely worthles.. not a student.. not yet an employee.
Do you remember that Britney Spears song?

xxx

Anyhow.. How does one become a writer? Do I just write my story? Or is there any particular format?
And what to do about the embarassment??

See I shall only write about my life.. since its the only thing I can write truthfully about. And somehow.. whenever I sit to write a novel.. it sounds stupid to me.. and embarassing.

I can write about my anorexia.. ex-anorexia.. what went through my mind.. my inadequacies... How to deal with anorexics..
I don't think any of my counsellors, who were by the way supposed to be the best in the business.. knew how to deal with it effectively. I can give them tips.

Im not going to write about modelling coz there is nothing to say.. just lots of gossip.. no facts.

No Mica.
I won't even get a job when I want it, im sure.

Then what shud I do?
Get married?

Hurt S has reconciled. He has given me what I want.. to start off with.

Im not going to blog anymore... about personal things atleast.. about how I feel at a moment in time about certain people.
It puts me in trouble.
Sentiments get hurt.. ouch.

Hurt Sentiments should realise that if they would know about the worst in everyone's heads.. it might just be much much worse than mine.

xxx

Now I need something from Hurt S.


Hell if he doesn't want to get on, we wont.
Adaptation is the key to happiness.

It will really be quite frustrating to have to do this(MBA Prep) all over again. I know that many people keep on doing this year after year, so why should I be sheltered from it.

Im just thinking how difficult it will be to study and work, and then again I wont mostly get in. I will just try for foreign universities. That will be better, atleast I would get in. Although I don't know whether I can afford them.

And an MBA seems to be so necessary, yet im not getting in anywhere.

Should I really just do it from any college and get it over with?

And maybe I will get in somewhere good.

xxx

Im sad because its being implied that im very old. At my age people have years of work experience behind them. I have to say that I modelled. At my age people have established themselves.
I feel like some old misfit.

What if I get a good job. Maybe I can just do an executive MBA later?

Im like a fresher who is 24. It feels sick. I should have been 21.
It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but its a big deal to everyone else.

They are probably thinking about when Im intending to get married then.

I don't mind getting married, but to whom?

xxx

I feel like I wanted things when I was young. Now I don't care about them. I don't even care about never being able to go abroad. The holiday gets over in a couple of days as it is.

But I think I need a family, especially children , else I will be quite bored. I mean there will be nothing in my life. Nothing to do.
And kids can make you so happy and they will give you some direction.

But I also need to work. And I also don't have anyone to marry.

xxx

What is the point of thinking about all of this?
Im just going to take it as it comes.
Like the tortoise.

UnSexy HeaT

Im quite upset with myself because im always feeling so tired and sleepy and low on energy. I used to be so active and work out a lot.
I think once I take up a full time job my schedules and body rhythms will iron themselves out.

Again I wonder, what it is that is so great about all of this, this life?
I mean its fine, you can keep on trying to find ways to make you happy.
I guess life feels better when you have a task at hand. Then you can pass your time trying to complete that task and feel a range of emotions during the process.

I mean I know what I can do to prevent myself from getting bored. I know how to have fun. But really, what is so very great about all of this?

Maybe what the ancient Hindu's said about the 4 stages of life was a brilliant solution.

No SCMHRD

Im going to start looking out for a job.
No point being sad or taking it personally.

Giving the CET today.
Don't think i'll get in.. I told you about my bad streak.

And work is good. I shall earn. It will probably be better than studying.
Then I can do a 1 yr mba after 2 yrs.
Or go abroad if I cannot manage to get in anywhere here.

xxx

I should also reflect on why I did not get in.
I need to be less vulnerable in my PI.. my GD was good.

I guess I did not have work ex. And I don't know if panels are negatively biased towards my background. Although I don't think they should be.. I hope not atleast because that is something that I cannot do anything about except hide. And I don't want to hide it.
Because it was tough.. and its all i've done. Hiding it will only make me look emptier than I already do.

xx

I know people with work ex who got in.. aa well as freshers.

What explanation could there be for the freshers getting in?
They must have really good scores and must be academically brilliant.

xxx

This one guy who was in my group during the GD.. got into a symbiosis college. After consoling me with the perfunctary 'You have better things in store for you' he asked me how he looked with the student group-coordinator who was in charge of our group for the GD.

In the sense he liked her.. and now that he'd gotten into the esteemed college he will try for her.

In every situation people seem to seek love. And some people seem to be quite open about it. The romantics.. they must be open about it. And the ones with high self esteem.. who believe that they have a chance.

xxx

Well.. I hope he finds love.. and success.

xxx

Meanwhile your pseudo romantic (moi.. I hate it when people say moi.. its so... pseudo cool.. I will not say wannabe)

Yes, your pseudo romantic

Why your?

Right sorry.

The pseudo romantic.. i.e. me.. is again not in love since she is getting requisite attention.

Is that really why? Or do I know that there is nothing. And do I know that actually we are quite different and I was just making myself like someone because I also want someone good looking to tell me nice things about myself.

xxx

Do you think I will get into Bajaj?
No
I am jinxed.
I predict that I will not get into Bajaj.

Then I shall write a best selling novella published by the Times of India on daily predictions, gemology, colour-o-logy, etc

Feeling Hazaar Fucked.

Indra nooyi is from IIM
Naina Kidwai Harvard (bloody hell)

Malavika Rane jobless.

No logical concurrance.
Is there hope?

Yes ofcourse.
Im being dramatic.

I may just be one of those enterprising MBA degree less but successful businessmen
Who knows?

xxx

By the way im having a funny feeling that I left something I was supposed to be really good at doing.
Fuck.
That can't be it.
Go away strange thought.

I missed the NM cut off by a mere 2 marks by the way.
This time NM allowed the candidates to give the exam to a maximum of 3 times after which they would take the best of the 3 scores.
I gave it only once.. being over confident.

Bad mistake.

I would have easily gotten it had I given it again. I know where I wasted time.
And 2 marks. Come on.

If everyone was allowed to give it only once I guess I would have gotten in. But the cut off got pushed up because many people gave the exam thrice.

I did not take that into account.

Bad planning.

For a wannabe future manager especially.

My behavior patterns remain the same.

Im checking the list again.. hoping that I made some sort of mistake last time.. and wishing that I am actually on the merit list.. and that I had just failed to notice or something.I did this list checking thing for SP Jain too.

But what has happened has happened. It is beyond my control to change.

I always thought that once I made the marks cut off, I would be fine.
But obviously its not fine.
I don't have as enchanting a personality as I like to think.

In Femina also, I thought that I would win them over.. but I didn't.
So I must do something about presenting myself better. They (SIBM website) asked us to take the failure positively.
So next time around I will be more confident and knowledgeable.

But I am scared. If they did not like me this time, why will they like me the next time around.
I remember going year after year for the Lakme fashion week auditions.. and getting rejected.. not even getting shortlisted. So I cannot help but make a connection and assume that I wont get in next time as well. That it will just be a waste of time.

I left modelling because I did not see myself making it.

I don't know if I can do this whole thing again. But everyone does.
People get called to several IIM's and get rejected by all.
And I am still not clear about what they want.

xxx

I always begin to stutter when I shouldn't.
I did it during my ques/ans round in Femina. I did it in my ques/ans round in SIBM.
I don't know why it happens.
I did not think I was the nervous type.

xxx

Im back to a state of floating around miserably. With nothing.
But I shall get my job and it shall be fine.
Maybe one day i'll get into ISB or something. And do a one yr MBA.
Maybe that's whats fated.
Thats why I didnt get in.

xxx

I was fine. Then I heard from people who did get in.
My peers.
I did know im the jealous competitive type.
Im happy for them.
They have impressive personalities.
But the problem is that even I thought I had an impressive personality... or something.
But I guess I don't.
I must have come across as limited. And ignorant.
Which I think I am not.. although that is relative.
So I should have 'sold' myself better.
I didn't sell myself well in Femina also.

And see..
I want to do marketing.
No wonder they didn't take me. :-)

xxx

So basically my problem is that people whom I know have gotten in.
Which means I feel insecure and like i've lost or something.
But i'll throw this feeling away.

I cannot believe that I have to do this all over again. But maybe i'll get into a better place. Although I don't know how that is going to be possible.. how will I study well when I am working.

Maybe i'll take an easy option.. because i'll have to.

Maybe i'll actually get into a one year programme.

xxx

Its seems that Malavika is going to start small. And work it up from there.
Work it up she will.

Thats just it.

Maybe its written in my fate that I am supposed to do my MBA in the US.
Ya, to get my NY city job.
Yes I guess thats it :-)

Did not get into SIBM.
Noteven on the waiting list.
Surprisingly im not sad. Maybe things happen for the best.
I may work if I dont get in anywhere.
Alas what a waste of a year.

But what can I do about it anyway.
See how tough it is to do an MBA, even with good scores.

If nothing else I can work for a couple of years and then do an executive mba or a one yr course. Thats also not too bad.

xxx

I dont care so much for money.
I dont spend so much.
I wanted success.. i'll work my way up.
Im really quick at picking up things.. i'll tell you that.
And I have great belief that i'll make it.. so i'll start off anywhere.. at the very bottom. But I shall start.

Its all for the best.
Somehow.
I'll know later.

My imagination is too vivid.

Sometimes i'll just daydream..
Happy dreams.. about that ideal situation.. person.. event..
A circumstance so lovely and yet so improbabale.. so irrational.. so wholly fictional and impossible.. 'as impossible as meeting Brad Pitt' as I like to say.
I know that I am completely making it up.. it is in no way achievable.. and yet I continue to daydream it.. over and over again because it gives me pleasure..it makes me happy

I should not do that.. i should not daydream about the impossible event..
the more i daydream the more real it seems to me.
I forget that it is a daydream.. that it is impossible.. because by then it has become a part of my life.
And i even hope for it... like as if I am pinocchio..

Its a waste of time.. and its dangerous.

But my own life.. is so boring in the romantic dept.. that i feel forced to think of these things.
I fear that real life will never be as good as this.

xxx

Im going through a phase where I would prefer my other half to be from any sort of artistic background.
I dont know maybe actor, writer, journalist..
I am not willing to risk stability and the funny thing is that i want someone who has.. someone who has risked much more than me because he's a guy.
And knowing me I shall want someone moderately successful.

Thats not right.. what about the poor risk taker who didnt really make it. I emphatize with him.. but would i be with him?
I guess I wouldnt mind as long as he is good at his work.. I couldnt be with someone who is not good at what he is doing..
I dont mind if he's not making too much money.. because I can make money.
But he should not be living off me.. thats all..
He should have enough for himself atleast.

Im selfish about my money.. ive noticed.

So this guy can keep me connected to the world of words and images.. fiction and passion.. which I love.. but which I cannot make a part of my career.. not only because it may not be stable.. but because its not my thing.. liking books and movies does not make you good at making them.

Moreover I have no desire to.

I am fully prepared to deal with the event of not getting a call from any symbiosis university.

Its ok. All will not be lost. I still have my CET.

xxx

The kids sit quietly when Im telling them a story.

xxx

Our dance instructor is Canadian, female.
There is an Indian male who dances rather well in class.
I think instructor finds him attractive in a way. Her focus is mostly on him, granted that he dances well, but still. She's always smiling at and adressing him.. even when she walks around to correct our posture.. its him she finds reasons to touch.
He's south indian, dark, I think that adds to his appeal for her.

Now tuesday was bring a friend day.
Our tall dark indian male bought his 'special' friend along for class.
South indian, in a red churidar, with a red flower in her hair.
They matched each other visually.

Maybe im imagining but.. did it make her sad?
And when class ended, Indian male sang a song for his special friend in front of the whole class, in hindi.

xxx

No call from NM!

This one guy.. who I knew coz of modelling.. who used to fund the Fashion Weeks..got arrested. Coz he's a fixer.

Not hard to imagine though.

Whenever I would ask him what he did.. he'd just say 'lots of things'.
When I told him about the citizen's candidate movement that I was into.. he told me to stay far away from politics. Coz he knew how they were like.
He sure knew.

And when I told him that I was thinking of journalism or an mba he said that if I wanted to do medicine he could get me into medical college.
And thats what he was arrested for. Getting illegal certifications for setting up medical collges.

They say he alone accounts for 25% of all LV sales in India.
My LV bags.. were won at the fashion week.

I guess Dog Show guy reads my blog.

xxx

Now yest I took part in the Mumbai cyclothon. I was apprehensive.. finding excuses not to do it.. then I finally went for it.
Even though I got to know that i'd enrolled myself for the 28km race instead of the 15 km.

We are scared to do something new. We dont really want to do anything esp when we have to put in a lot of effort.. and arent even going to get anything.

I would have led a very boring life if I hadn't done things that I was afraid of doing. So do them. Take the risk. You will be glad you did.

xxx

They say that a successful entrepreneur takes risks.
Am I a risk taker?
I guess I am.. modelling needs guts.

I also take my risk with people. Im open.. I dont think about my ego.. im trusting.. the pay off is varied company.

xxx

Yesterday I didnt try to win the race. I just wanted to enjoy cycling. So it was good. It felt good.
I took my time.

I guess it was also because I knew that there was no chance of winning. I had rented the bike and wasnt comfortable with it. Too short and the gears were clanky. If you arent comfortable with geared bikes they can actually hamper you instead of helping you.

xxx

Chaggan Bhujpal organised it. He cycles.

xxx

I went to Gallops for a wedding reception in the night. My mother gets so excited at the prospect of making me meet young Sindhi guys. Really!
However while we're talking about her let me state that it is my mother who kept on pushing me to go for the cyclothon. Sometimes her nagging is good.

Anyway.. no one interesting... romantically.
But otherwise maybe.. let me narrate.

So this uncle.. kept on finding excuses to put his arm around me and rub my back. In the space of bare skin created by the area between the hem of the blouse and the border of the sari. I had made sure than it wasnt a large area.
Still.
Since its absolutely sanctionable to put your arm around nieces.

And my mother made me meet some guy from Pune who I spoke to. So in the end he asked "Hey. Why don't you give me your number!". Thats ok.
Then there was this other young guy who I hadn't spoken to.. but who smiled at me twice.
After seeing him he asks "Hey. Why don't you give me your number!"

I pretended like I hadnt seen him and turned around.

It was the first sentence he spoke to me that evening.

xxx

There was this cute kid. They make kids so cute that I feel like I want them. As it is I enjoy myself tremendously with them. They have interesting things to say and do. It makes my time spent with them interesting.

But nothing is so perfect. Im sure that they can be mean to you and listen to their father instead of you.. and grow up and not feel like talking to you anymore.

But when they are good.. they come to weddings in tiny black suits, wearing tiny black 'Crocs' and a badge of their dear friend 'Just Hippo.. who hasnt got a name'

Aww!

People who you thought were quite normal sometimes suddenly start acting really wierd.
Like constantly messaging you on BBM, even when you don't reply.
Keeping on asking you to meet them.. for the derby.. near your place..
And when that doesn't work, asking you "Do you have a dog, because then we can go for the dog show at radio club."

Seriously.. the types god introduces into my life. He wants me to become a blogger.

One of the (few) girls from the Symbiosis interviews added me on FB. She's put another girls picture as her display pic and her photo album consists of pictures of only this girl. I suspect she's a Telegu actress.

But.. why do people not put up their own pictures? I guess they do not like any pictures of theirs.
Even I do not know which pic of mine to put up.. so i don't change my DP.
Even i am so scared.

I'd gone out with only guys.. and they were talking about women. And one guy was from abroad and he was like he wanted to meet beautiful Indian women on this trip, etc
So im thinking.. do they find me beautiful?
Its a wierd place to be in right?

I don't know.. am I not attractive anymore. Coz earlier lots of people would find me attractive. I could see it on their faces.
What ya!

Today I went to school after so many days, since I was in Pune for admission, etc.
I entered the building and began speaking to the NGO head.
Shahid spotted me and came up running and held my hand..
'Misss'
and remained standing with me till I finished.

It was so wonderful.
I know I should not hold his hand. There are 44 children. So I told him 'Hi. Accha now go and sit.'

But in my heart.. head (whatever) I loved him.

Ok.. so i'll explain my current position in life.

Now HE's back. I only msgd HIM.
See.. why have an ego?
Then he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends.
I could not go as I had a class.
Mind you.. if I really wanted to go I could go. But I was sorta tired and I had not blow dried my hair and.. ya basically I did not like the way my hair was falling. So I did not go.
And suddenly I felt ok. I felt like its not like he doesnt want to meet me because im not attractive. Yes!!!

So this means.. that im not like crazy into him. (Told you)
Because I didnt go.

Then again, many days later, I only messaged.. why not.. BB kis liye laya??
I mean not for him.. but to be connected to my social network right?
Like BBM is basically for people who are too shy to sms other people. BBMing people you dont know really well is socially acceptable. Thats why it sells.

Anyway.. so I only msgd him.
In my defense he's a serious working type..who might have been too much into his work and all.. so why not. (And he was like really busy with a seminar)
He asked me to come out with his friends for dinner.
With friends.
We've never actually gone out alone.
I don't know why.
But.. that would be like a date. Thats why. And he musn't be interested in a relationship/fling/romance. So why go on a date? Instead, hanging out is better.

Its fine by me. Im not in love. I just like attention.. I guess you would say I have low self esteem. So say what you want!

Ya, I feel insecure.

But its fine. We go out. I don't even know if I want something more. This is so comfortable. We're free, still we have company.
There is nothing physical.
Anyway ive decided to become a prude. These guys will anyway leave the likes of me for an arranged match. So im going to be this touch me not. Like im not some hobby you take up (with) for some time.
Im pain and commitment.

So we're friends. Which is fine.. comfortable.
Its funny the more time you spend with a person, the more attractive you tend to find them. I mean those persons you're not instantly attracted to.
Im good now. Seriously.
I will focus on my career.

But I felt like i share a space where i feel very comfortable. And I get attached. Too soon. Like some child.
But I know i'll be ok anyhow.

xxx

By the way any guy who wants to get a chick can just do this. Play hot and cold. Women feel very insecure.

Please love me SIBM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just got done with GD/PI)
What an amazing campus! I felt like I was abroad.
Great architecture.

Everything was fine except when the interviewer asked me to draw graphs pertaining to economics from way back in coll in 2007.
I got confused.. but I tried. I think I made a big mess of it.
And im usually so good with my oratory but I was stuttering.

Still I hope they liked me. Im different. I hope that they could see that. And that they could see that im bright.

I know.. obviously everyone who got a call for the interview is bright.
Shit.

I am sure the new rules of virtual etiquette do not require me to accept ugly guys from school as my friends.

(God please do not punish me for that)

Arre, most of my kids don't have a bath before coming to school!

I understand that the toilets are terrible but I wish their parents would instill the habit.
They may get skin ailments and discolourations.

Why don't they want to be clean??

Did not even manage to get a call for a GD from SP Jain.
They must have not liked my profile, wanting people with work experience or something.

But they had a profile list for that.. must be the same people with a few additions.

I come from a different background. They think that I will not be at the same level as the rest of the class.

Its sad. But its a bad streak thats been going for me.
I don't know where i'll get in.

Not NM. I won't get a call. Im not even sure of SIBM now with my bad streak.
I don't rationally believe in bad streaks.. but irrationally i do feel that they occur.

Everything is going absolutely badly.
I suppose i will get in somewhere with cet.
And my parents said that i have to do it from anywhere.
And thats the best thing.. because why should i get in next yr?
Ive already done well in cat and im not getting admission anywhere.
Why will i get in next yr?

Oh shit.. this is bad.

Everyone is seeing someone or getting married.
And i am being ignored.
Its not a worthy complaint.

xxx

I find myself checking my phone expectantly everytime i receive an sms. I imagine myself getting one, and then its like my fears will be unwarranted, and ill be fine and happy.

xxx

See dear friends, see how its about my fears and not him.
(objective Malu)

Reflect on your own longing.

My friend is getting married while I have to face apathy.
Thats an unfair statement because I may have many things that she may not.
And vice versa.
But the fact that im dwelling on this news means that it means something to me.

Im not saying I want to get married.
If I get married, it will be lovely. Until I know its lovely, i'll wait.

I should not think that something is the matter with me.
Like I hope not anyway.

I know I will be fine.
Marriage is not perfect either.

See the thing is, as it is I don't get any sort of relationship with anyone, even if i want to.
I don't know why, but its how its always been.

And its fine. But it just feels like being the odd one out.
Will it be like everyone will get married and i'll be the old unmarried friend who comes alone to parties.

Not that she is unhappy. And not that her friends are happier.
But she's just the odd one out.

xxx

But why does he suddenly not want to meet me?
Did I do something?
I did who I was.

I can't message him. Remember how i think of those who keep on messaging me even though i deliberately never reply.

Im those people to him probably.
Suddenly.
Or maybe since a while, and i just failed to notice.

xxx

The last to last time I was fascinated with someone, he got married, and i wasn't even invited.
Im sure 'present he' will also get married. I heard he was engaged once, and i will here about it from friends.
And i will say 'Oh really, I didn't know that'

Friend-'He didn't tell you?'

'No, we're not in touch.'

'But I thought you were friends.'

'No.. I mean not off late.'

xxx

I think I want to drink coffee when im bored. Its my smoking, which I have incidentally stopped.
One day I just couldn't smoke anymore. It began to taste bad, if taste is what you can call it.

If I outside, doing something, I don't feel like drinking so much coffee.

xxx

I was going to write about colleges, but I should probably be careful. What if someone does a check and reads my blog. Unlikely but why take a risk.

xxx

I don't know where he is. He's not contacted me in a long time. Maybe he feels like he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.
Fine.
I don't feel anything. There is no point. We only make ourselves long and feel miserable.
I won't.

If he calls, its fine. I will tell him that he did not wish me on my bday.

When he himself asked me when my bday was so that he could call from outside the country and wish me. But he didnt. He forgot. You don't forget people you are interested in.
Ergo he is not.

I think we've gone over this.
But who can get enough about going over relationships or none.

So, he doesn't. And I will not take it personally. I will not think that I am not attractive. People like or don't like people for complex reasons. Its not only attractiveness thats a factor.

Reflecting on which, why am i only concerned about attractiveness and nothing else.
Because come on, everyone is a good person and nice.
And basically I fear losing something that I had.

I used to be a model. I used to look good. I don't know how good i look now. I fear that im not as good. Somehow i always fear falling from some standard. I think its a common phobia plaguing my ex industry.

xxx

And if you realise, liking is all about us.

xxx

We devote too mcuh time to liking. Its because we are bored.

xxx

My friend is in a bad place.
A guy who she didn't even like in the first place and is not good looking or super smart did not call her back. Imagine.
A guy who was persuing her through her ignorings.

They just persue you to win the match, I think. Then they score and move onto the next open.

Several crude jokes in there.

xxx

I want to study in Mumbai. But I don't think, I don't know, so far so calls from here.

I want several things, but there is no need or reason why I should get them.

An interpretation of a work may tell you more about the interpreter than the work.

xxx

Meanwhile i've fallen headlong in love with Satyajit Ray's films.

I was going to unthinkingly write that i only just discovered him.
But thats rubbish.
That does not make any sense.. just discovered him.. the whole world knows who he is.
We use so many terms without thinking.

So.. basically.. i only just saw a film of his.. sometime ago.. and have only been seeing his films ever since.
I will shift to other films once im done with all of his.

Oh but i've seen new releases. Thats different. Im only talking about films at home.
Illegally downloaded on my laptop.
Speaking of which i spend too much time with my computer.

Ok I think i've mostly gotten over the whole coll thing
Im not that smart.. never have been.. won't get in.
I tried, dreamed over.
I've not done badly.. should hopefully get into an A school.

I realised that its not an easy life im choosing for myself.
Im not going to be the favourite everywhere.
There are doing to be a lot of hard moments and disappointments.. but the best thing to do is not to dwell on them.
I will not be amazing all the time..

Im hardly putting any effort in the dance classes i joined this time. I don't know why. Maybe I don't find any incentive to do so.
So how will i be good. How will i get accolades. Ive become so clumsy.
And ie stopped caring whether im good at it.
I don't mind not being a good dancer. But i mind stopping to care about how good i am at something. I mind giving up.
But its like dancing is a hobby. I don't feel like practising at home. There is no motivation.
There is no one to impress.
Its silly like that.

xxx

I should practice.. because otherwise i will be standing at the back.

Im not even feeling like going for dance class anymore.

xxx

I think its just because im not getting the steps and im not the best.
Its stupid.

xxx

I will go. And i will put in effort.

xxx

And MBA.. I hope that i get into some college from the top 15.