I have a very bad habit of lying. White lies lying.
It started in my youth.

I began to white lie so that people would have a better impression of me. Even at 10 I was extremely conscious about the image I portrayed. I lied about facts so that id be better than I was, and it became a habit.

Its a bad habit and can be very embarrassing when the truth comes out. I know that people must be thinking that im weird.. but i cant help it.. its happens before I can control it. And the lies are so stupid. They do not serve any purpose.. they just destroy my image infact.. and yet.

I will stop.

Oh God.. do I sound like a mess. Ive never admitted to anyone about my lying before.. but I want to stop.
I want to be clean.

Who's going to like me like this.. with all my rubbish.

But I suppose other people also have all their rubbish.

And im a nice person and very loving and i dont think badly of people. So these are my good points.. and I think they far outweigh my other rubbish.

I know which title i'd win...
Lowest Self Esteem.

I keep telling myself that id make an attempt to eat properly if someone loved me.. id do it for them.. id do it so that they would not stop loving me. But im not willing to do it for myself.

Can you imagine, all the while when I was wasting myself away to anorexia, I kept on telling myself that id stop when someone loved me. I'd stop when he would tell me to stop.

Its almost as if I was punishing myself. But punishing myself for what? For not being to find someone? For not being good enough for anyone. Probably that.

Punishing myself for not being good enough for somebody else. What a crime to commit for striving to be perfect Malavika.

Ive never believed that i hate myself.. yet how come im not willing to do something good for myself? How come im only willing to do what i must for somebody else?

xxx

I never wanted to lie to JAF. I told him everything. It was like here I am with my problems.. but please still like me. I wanted him to know everything because he'd have to..

I really don't know what he must have felt after knowing all of this. Was it too much for him to handle? Who wants problems?

And there were also other problems.

I must have absolutely scared him off.

xxx

I have a bad habit of talking too much. I come out with everything that's in my head.. and my head thinks a lot of profane things. I mean when he told me that its not going to work out I came out with a whole spiel about how im going to be single and thats why im working.. to buy my own house.. and how everyone else is going to be married and taking their kids to swimming lessons on sunday.

Yes I actually said all of that.

He would have won a marathon at that moment, im sure.

Oh God! What have you done Malavika!

Hahaha. Anyway since we're only friends.. we can have a laugh about it.

I hope we are friends. Because I want him to be my friend.

My friends feel that he's just not that into me, because if he was, he would have tried.. something.

Oh God!

I am sad that I didn't really go anywhere this weekend. Its Saturday night and im sitting at home. I have nothing to do. No one to think of.

Oh God!

Now where am I supposed to find someone. 

That's it!
Ur(God) going to make me be a spinster. I know it.

Where am I supposed to find someone?

xxx

Ok. Let me approach the matter logically.
Fine.
What has happened has happened. I just need to keep my senses alert. On the look out.
Oh, you think this is funny.. all this looking out.
Let me tell you its bloody sad to be alone all the time. Im sad. Who's going to care about me then?

Everyone is going to be married and have a family and stuff to do with their family and im going to be sad.

Ok.
Maybe some of them will have families and be sadder. But generally speaking the family-ed will be happier.
And at least my family would have been happy. Because I don't fight with people and create stress. I try and understand people. I would love what I had and not question it or try and constantly ascertain how good it was.
Im nice and pretty and I would be bloody loyal. And I can't imagine why these nice boys dont want a nice girl with long legs to be loyal to them.
Its a bloody waste I tell you.

xxx

So God, are you going to make somebody just pop out from somewhere or ur giving me spinster-hood?
I watched the movie 'Another Year' and I am convinced that I will not be happy unless I am married.

And why can someone nice not give me attention?
I don't want those stupid people in the clubs. Yuck.

xxx

See, it could be so tempting to day dream about scenarios where he goes against his parents wishes and changes his mind etc. But I won't do that. Its not logical.
And I don't have a habit of wasting my time.

Its over with him. There is no hope. At the most I can have a fling. But it will be a mirage. I may feel good for some time and then what.. I will be left behind.

xxx

I should add that this situation has created an opportunity for the aforementioned and I to be really really good friends.. with this matter out of the way. Think about it.

In fact its even exciting. It could be our secret.

xxx

Oh and by the way, I got into Symbiosis. Apparently I was on the waiting list!
Ya, gosh!

But im not taking it. I want Welingkar. Im taking a risk. If I don't make it there I will look for a job and do my CFA. I don't want to leave bbay for 2 years. Im too old. I'll come back when im 26 and have to make friends all over again. I cant do it.

I also got into TAPMI and GIM.

God kinda gives me what I want. Admission. An article in the Times of India about my career shift.
And something else.. very private.
He doesnt give me love, but he gives me everything else..
Maybe thats his trade off.

Oh god!
So I told you that I told him.
So we met to talk about it.

And he needs to get married to someone of his community and his parents are looking out for someone and so he can't be in a relationship.

xxx

But thank God that I know. So then I won't think of him that way or expect anything.
Thank God I told him so now I won't waste any more time.

xxx

I always like the wrong people.
I don't take cues o what?
Stupid me.


Who will I find?
There is nobody left.

Who's going to care about me?

For Rs.5 you get 6 pieces of Orbit gum.
For Rs. 10, you get only 9 pieces!

How does this work?
Are they relying on the laziness of the overtaxed urban middle class mind?

In the mood for some dark comedy?

Well I finally gathered up the courage to message him.
And

I don't think the message got delivered.

The thing is, you get a D on your blackberry messenger when u send a msg which indicates delivery and I didnt get one.

I can't send the same msg again.. thats a little silly.

Fuck.

I prepared myself for everything except for failure of delivery.

Lesson- Life cannot be planned or preempted.

Im taking a risk. Im just going to tell him that I like him so that I get to know what his views are on the same.
I am spending too much time thinking about it so if he says that he's not interested, I can know for sure and move on.

Its really scary but I have to do it.

I don't think he likes me.

But should I ask him? What if he doesn't like it?
Like what if he just thinks of me as a friend and then feels really awkward with me after I tell him this.
Shit, I have to take the risk.

I recommend stumbleupon.com (for free)
Its a good way to pass your time.

I made a statement about the PS being a major waste of time and how i'd never buy it.
I just feel that you will not gain anything from it.
You gain something from any movie, but what can you gain from playing a game on a PS.

I think its ok to use when one is hanging out with friends, but otherwise im sure one has better ways to spend one's time.

You may ask what is wrong with using a PS if your intention is to waste time anyway?

Well, I think with a PS, you will waste more time than necessary.. it is difficult to stop playing.. you might sleep less.. and instead if you:

Sleep - It will refresh you and bring your life into perspective, perhaps, at best.

Eat - Don't do that. I mean if you are bored.. because then you might put on weight. Find something else to do!

Read - Amazing, you will gain something

Watch a movie - Good, Amazing, same as above

Chill - You might learn something interesting or funny, improve your social skills, destress, find a life partner or romance.. etc

But when you PS, what do you get, better finger speed? Don't tell me reaction time. Fucking if there was a fire you would still want to wriggle in a few moves before you ran out to save yourself. Reaction time bloody hell.

And what else? Strategy? Fuck! Its a fucking Game! I don't see how you are supposed to learn strategy when you are preempting physical moves that are created by an aphysical person sitting on his ass next to you. What strategy.. you're thinking of his next fake game-move.. so your physical reaction does not improve and nor does your mental.. coz ur game is only concerned with the next punch.. not next statement.

But i'd totally play PS while chilling. I just dont think i'd buy one. And I dont think my kids will be allowed one. But it depends on the father actually. What if he is pro-PS?
Anyway that can be figured out later.. these are just my views on the same.
Game.

I eat too much when I'm just sitting at home. That's another reason why I like to get out.

xxx

Its my hobby to analyse people.

I think girls from south bombay ARE hotter than those further north. Generally speaking.
They have better bodies and look and dress better.
They are better enough to make me get a complex when I partied with some friends in a south bombay nightspot. I felt clumsy and cheap.. but the saving grace to my ego were my looong legs and the fact that some men were checking me out.
Thank-you God for height.

I mean I'm pretty.. but they had good bodies and nice clothes. But one cannot have everything, as my Nani sweetly reminded me today morning. And I'm slim and I guess most girls don't find their bodies perfect.

Some of them also had really nice hair.. but my hair is becoming nicer. Ive been taking better care of it.

xxx

I found it very funny when a short guy was hitting on me. Actually I'd met him this new years at a house party so I spoke to him when he came up to me last night. I thought that he's a friend of the friend who threw the party but it turns out that he' really not.
Anyway.. I'm thinking why is this guy even wasting his time.. (and money on a drink). Like he's soo much shorter than me. How can he even picture us together. He should hit on someone his own size.

But he was direct and to the point. His second or third sentence to me was, 'Are you seeing someone.' It clears the air. I know he's interested and can thus respond appropriately. The problem arises when you don't know. Maybe that means that the guy is not interested, ergo he has not said anything.
So I have my answer for that other guy(usual old one whom I talk about).

And then I was hanging out with this short guy and his friends in the VIP section for a bit, change of scene like, and my guy friend who i'd gone with sent someone to call me back. Concern I guess, but im a big girl, and im not used to babysitting.

xxx

When your in college you don't care if you are with the party-boy. In fact you may even be more inclined towards some party boys. The ones who are too cool to study or work and seem reckless and dangerously succulent. (Oh no, wrong word. Attractive, like.)
But you always grow up to like the investment bankers.

So grow up party boys. You aren't hot. Grow over partying and banging hot chicks.

xxx

Its so funny.. the short guy is like, 'Your perfume is really nice' when i'd actually forgotten to wear any. And he's like I am from New York. What is that supposed to mean. He studied there? What? Then why is he hanging around here since New Years?
What a random showing off statement.

xxx

My mother thinks that guys should spend on me when they take me out. I told her not to inculcate cheapness in me. What rubbish? Why should my friends treat me? Im not going on a date every time. There are so many girls.. why should the guys feel obligated to pay for all of them.

Its really wrong to put things like that in my head. Not that im some person who is easily influenced but why even say all this.

xxx

Why would you want my approval or disapproval for your friends? Why do you care about my opinion? And if they are your friends then how can you put them up for judging in front of someone you have known for lesser time i.e. me.

I told him that I do not pass judgements on people. As if I am better or an authority figure.
xxx

Im lonely and restless.

Do you feel a sense of pride when you tell people that you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend?
Like, proud that you could get another free willed person to commit to you.
To pick you. From everyone else?

xxx

How is everyone getting married?
They are all going to be done with it.. and im going to be left.

When I taught the underprivileged kids computers last summer, there was this girl who was quite a character. She created a scare when she told the male secretary of the NGO that her father was planning on selling her sister and brother to someone in Goa. The story did not turn out to be true.

She had a crush on that guy and invented the story to get his attention, sympathy and possibly affection.

Its sad actually. She must have been quite troubled.

She would tell me things like "I've seen you walking around the market and I have always wished that I would get a chance to know you. Now look at where I am!'

She left the class without completing it, and school or she would have been in the 8th standard.

Anyway, the thing that is really troubling me is that the other day I saw her strutting down the road at 1a..m. Ive seen her coming home at 6a.m. in the morning when I go for a morning walk, dressed in tight white tights and a sleeveless white top.

Where was she going?
Who gave her those clothes? She didn't have anything better than a hand me down night gown to wear a year ago and now she's wearing fancy clothes. Real fancy.
And she struts.

Frankly speaking she looks like she's just had sex. She has that look of self assuredness and this awareness of her sexuality, but I cannot assume such things. She's also lost her childhood enamor of me, in fact I think she now views me as some sort of competition. But again.. moving too far away from the facts.

I am shocked. Scared and worried.
I just hope that it is some boyfriend racket and not prostitution.

I can't judge her. Her circumstances are different. I am sure she has major family problems, father issues and she is so poor.

But I feel pain. The girl should be in school.

Eye Liner - A short story.

(I felt an urge to write a story. Not because it was great, but because I had a plot.)

xxx


She doesn’t go out anywhere important without wearing black kajal.


So she was surprised when she couldn’t find her kajal pencil on Wednesday morning. ‘Why, I just wore it to work yesterday,’ she thought. ‘Maybe it’s fallen down somewhere, or maybe I kept it near the other mirror.’ She told herself that she will find it once she gets back home from work. No time now.

She got home and checked under all the cupboards, in the bathroom, other rooms, but it wasn’t anywhere to be seen. ‘Damn, I’ll have to buy another one,’ she thought without feeling particularly sad. The way you feel sad when you lose a mass produced, easily replaceable, not too expensive consumer product. Category-cosmetics.



The makeup kit in which she used to keep all her makeup seemed emptier than usual. ‘Oh the mascara is not their either’.

And the lip-liner.

Pink lipstick.

Increasing panic.



Its not lost! Its stolen.

‘Mama, 4 things are missing!’



‘Oh yes. The maid was absent yesterday and sent her young daughter instead. The one who likes fancy things a bit too much.’

You can see that in some people.



‘She must have taken it. It can’t be the other maid because she’s been here since a while and nothing has gone. Or maybe it went in stages and I only noticed when she took the kajal because I wear that everyday.'



‘It’s the young girl. Her eyes are everywhere,’ mother decided.



Mother confronted the young girl’s mother. The other mother felt hurt in the same way you do when someone accuses a family member, even one with a reputation.



‘Oh! I hope she doesn’t spit in my food or cleans my room badly,’ fretted the daughter.



‘I've already asked my daughter,’ said the maid, ‘and she told me that she hadn’t taken it.’

So the mother also thought that there could have been a chance.



‘I don’t want the daughter cleaning my room. What if I don’t get that shade of pink again. Besides I can’t keep on wasting money buying the same things over and over again. I’d rather buy a nice dress to wear next Friday night.’





A few days later it was discovered that the grandfather’s toolkit was missing.

‘It must have been the father’s peon,’ he tried to deduce.

‘Or the maid,’ said the grand daughter.





xxx



The young man had been sent up to deposit a heavy package. Seeing no one around he thought that it might be the perfect opportunity to explore the room of the young daughter.

What he really wanted was to breathe her space. Touch her clothes.

All those rows of make-up. Surely she won’t miss a few of them.



She wouldn’t. But the man chose one that she would.



Fast now. Must leave.



He thought about giving some stuff to his newly wedded wife. The one who becomes the girl he stole from late at night. You know.



But he just kept the stuff with him in his pocket. He hadn’t dared to take the black brassier.



And he really didn’t take the tool-kit.

Dude.. they are having a party in the office next door at the BSE.
SBI results were out today and the guy next door short sold the stock in the morning.. i.e. it make a lot of money out of the bad results.

I can hear Karan Johar movie music through the walls + old uncles giggling.

Shoe bites seem to be caused by foot wear rubbing against moist skin.
I used to get the most terrible shoe bites with my work shoes because I have to walk a lot on my way to work. But that's now a thing of the past because I have begun to wear ankle length stockings.
I don't have a problem anymore, and whats more, my feet do not get tanned and are really clean.

I wish that I could have gone out more this weekend, instead of sitting at home watching movies continuously.

I went out Fri night. That was fun.
And then Sat night. That was OK.
So I came home early.

I wish I could have gone out more.

xxx

My friend and her boyfriend broke up after going out for 4 years because my friend is getting married to someone else.
Her family did not really warm up to her boyfriend. They did not find him "matching up to their standards."
That could mean a lot of things. He thinks that it means money.
Money must have been a large part of it.. not that he's badly off.. but maybe not as well off as them.

He's very angry, of course.
He's been bitching about my friend.
Yes, I still meet him.. we have close common friends.. and he's good company besides.
But bitching.
I guess he can be allowed that, but I feel bad.
That's not just my friend, but someone he loved.
If she was all these bad things then why did he love her for so long?

Its not nice.. but I guess I have to allow him anger for some time.

But that is also my friend whom he's talking about.

xxx

I get quite carried away when I hear his side of the story. In that moment. Then I come home and realise what I am doing and try to clear my head of biases.

I have been meeting him more often than her.. just circumstances.

I guess me and my female friend aren't that close anymore. Just time I guess.
Or maybe we just need one meeting to pick it up from where we left off.
I'm meeting her tomorrow.

xxx

I don't spend too much time with my brother anymore.
I don't think he thinks too much of me now.

xxx

One of my maids has gone to get married. Her fiance is from Bihar, like her, but he's working at a chemist's in Punjab. She hasn't seen him.
So they will get married, then she's going to come back home and go to his village after 2 years, because she's too young to go now. Between 14-16.
Then she will live with the boy's mother for a year in the village, after which she will be sent to him.
Apparently this is their custom.

xxx

One of the maids stole a lot of my make-up.
I was upset for a while. Its expensive.

xxx

I miss my school kids.

xxx

I wish id have gone out more. I wish id gotten myself more woozy.
I wish id have had an affair.
That would have been something interesting and felt good.

xxx

Sundays are for musing.
An adequateness of time and less than adequateness of activity.

xxx

I enjoy my work. I enjoy having a schedule. And then I enjoy partying over the weekend.
I like getting high and dancing. Its very relaxing. I can make myself become and feel the same pleasure felt by a bunch of children left alone with a nice song.

Night clubs bring me happiness. And there is also the evolutionary promise possibly lurking behind every elbow, which is really one of the main selling points of a nightclub anyway.

I need my scheduled work, and I need the possibility of romance, we all do, with those we know or don't know.
As yet.

Its just an evolutionary thing.

Why love?
That's why love.. Darwin and boredom.

xxx

My mother was keen on a guy for me. She nurtured expectation despite my requests not to do so.
All the weight of her hope, my hope, her questions, my questions, my insecurities, my duty, ground me down to a Mala's squash.

Mala, being my good mother's name.

I had to get out of mummy's pressure umbrella.

"Mama! Stop it, he's engaged now!"

Mother: "Oh, accha"

Me(for added effect) - "To a girl of his caste"

xxx

Beautiful, ya.

So now all the, "It seems like he likes you's" turned into "Actually ya he wasn't into you's".
Quite peaceful overall.

Now such a lovely maneuver should not go by unheard so I confessed to my father.

F: "I thought as much"

Me: "Dont tell her. Promise."

xxx

Now I only have my expectations to deal with.
The defeat can be my secret.

I am being accused of not knowing what I want to do.

But I shall do my MBA in Finance. How is that not knowing?
After that what?

Of course I will take up a job in the relevant field.
So that is my plan, and that is what I want to do.
Thats good enough 'knowing' for me.
xxx

I was being mean about my mother yesterday. I like her a lot more when I am not at home. Thats why I have always wanted to move out.
Why we could even be the best of friends if we lived apart!

xxx

Im sleepy at work.

Oh, some people actually like their parents so much that they put up nice pictures of them when they were young and dedicate status messages to them.

Maybe their mothers are sweet to them.

I cannot totally discredit my parents. After all, whatever they did, good or bad, has made me who I am.
I mean its always the case with everyone.

I feel like given a choice, I won't chat with my mother unless I am feeling too lazy to leave the room.
And every time I meet her in a room, i'll say Hi nicely.. to prevent some fight from erupting.. but it does anyway.

Sorry but as a rational, logical person, I cannot become FB friends with individuals who read my blog.

No offense.

No call.

I don't even know if its the ego or heart that hurts.. to be absolutely objective.

If he's into me, he will let me know.
So figuring this out is not my problem.
I'll just wait and see what happens.

xxx

And don't go thinking that I only think about him or that im obsessed with him because thats all I write about. I write when I need to vent or sort things out and im sorting this out.. other things happen but im too lazy to type.

Nothing much happening in my life.
Just work.. my internship.. and another GD/PI over the weekend.

xxx

I get sadder when im bored..
You know how it works.

I get sadder when im bored..
You know how it works.