Hello "Just A. Friend," (We're going to call him J.A.F. henceforth)
No reply?
Why?
You forgot?

Ok, let us assume that I feel nothing for you. I am your friend who you hang out with. So when you ask me if I want to go out and I say yes and then you say that you will ask 'everyone' and get back to me and you don't.. what is that.. dear FRIEND?

Rude..
If I give you the benefit of the doubt, forgetful.

xxx

Fine, you know, don't be interested in meeting me. Or whatever your other reasons may be.

When you are young, you feel sad and everything.. but when you are older, and you are me, you feel.. like you should just move on and do your work.
Which now is trading stocks. Its so sexy.

xxx

I haven't told you about my sexy new job.
INTRA DAY TRADER.. ya thats right.
Smoking.

So I told you about my friend who trades and is into Private Equity. I have been going to his office and learning from him. I just started doing my own trades.
Im really liking the market..
Most people don't understand stocks at all. I have known for several years that I don't want to be one of those people. There is too much money to be made.

So my desire to 'get stocks' led me to my friend and I made sure I got myself a space in his office and personal training.
I will understand how this works! I shall know the system. No one wants you to know anything about stocks.. but im making sure that I know it.. even though I don't come from a trading family and I have no familial contacts.
Im making my own contacts.
Im making my place.

Im good at doing things you know, networking, picking things up.
These colleges don't notice only.

Even modelling.. I had to network a lot man.
I don't know.. they don't get it, what?
Those colleges.

xxx

Now I'll tell you something that made me feel quite good about myself.
This guy who was in my GD/PI group at SIBM said that he was 'surprised' that I didn't get in.
Yeah.
He's like "From all the people in the group, I thought ud get in."

And this other guy from my class.. really smart ha.. like 99.3 in CET.. thinks im too smart for this college that im eventually planning on going to.

And my Sir at IMS also thinks im too smart for it.

They actually told me that, not my words.

So.. see.. I can make an impression.

My tutor friend also thinks I have good aptitude.
He's like 'You kinda understood the principal of options in a day.. these other guys here (other traders) have been trying to understand it for years. And they don't"

So, well! :-)

See.. what I figured is that if I get admission into 'this' college, i'll take it. Finish off my MBA. If I got noticed now, I shall get noticed then.. I'll do it.. and save time.

I told you that I am confident of my aptitude.
Only the panels don't like me..
But.. Im gonna do it. I know I will do it.

xxx

My IMS colleague found me on FB.
Actually IMS has this 'Achievers Batch,' where they pick up the smart kids and give them specialized training.
So I met this guy there. We didnt speak one to one as such.. but at class we would have mock gd/pi's.
Actually quite a lot of fun.
It would give me a rush.. like trading.

He's cute.. really smart.. im into smart guys.
And he seems simple and nice.

I find nothing more sexy that a man who is super in math.

xxx

I think id have been quite happy in Symbiosis.

xxx

My friend said to take more interest.
I took.
And it backfired.

A tentative plan was made.. and then he didn't call back only.

Why did I listen to my friend!
I should have not taken this excessive interest.

And now its clear that he's not into me.
I should have just let things go on as they were.

Now he's going to think that I have a soft spot for him.
Nothing terrible about that.. but..
Tsk.

xxx

Does it really matter which school I do my MBA from? Why cant I do it from a Welingkar? I mean I cant bear the thought of having to go through this cycle all over again. And then what if I still dont get in! Oh my god no!

Fuck it.. let employers think im the not so bright top school reject.
I'll show them.

If there is anything in this planet that im sure about its my ability to do things.

So last night, my female friend told me that maybe im missing out on something working out with HIM because I come across as having this 'wall around me.'

I don't know about that.
I did think that I try to show like im interested.

I guess other girls are more expressive.. and since im absolutely not, HIM must feel unsure.

But what do I do?

Friend told me to message HIM, take more of an interest in his life.. make plans with HIM to meet.

So I messaged him yesterday.. thus I cannot message him again today.. I can't jump onto him.

Maybe i'll make a plan with him tomorrow.

Let it just take its time.

I think im not putting in an effort because im sort of scared of anything working out, I don't know why.

Like do I like status quo? Or am I scared that perfection will be shattered if we spend more time together. That both of us will like each other less?

I don't know what to do about it.

Actually now I do wish that he does read my blog.

So basically.. it would be nice to be in a relationship.. ive never been in a mature one.. the last time I was 16/17.
A relationship has its benefits for both of us.. it would be interesting to try it out.

I mean eventually I would like to be with someone.. and he's good.

So.. I don't know.. let it just develop and I will try and take more interest.

What if ive already lost him to someone else.

xxx

I have these negative thoughts..

He couldn't like me.

Wouldn't he have dropped me home if he did.

Yesterday my friend asked me what my "ideal situation in life" was.

I thought.

And I didn't know what to wish about.. because I don't know what would best make me happy.
Any which way it will be an adventure.. so I didnt care.

Whether I married or not, whether I was middle class or richy rich.. by virtue of my birth I wont be poor, really, unless there is some unprecedented natural calamity that wipes out everything.

No.. so I may be this or that.. but it will be fun.

xxx

My friend was not impressed. He wanted an ambition filled answer. Like his.. big office.. lots of money.. employees.. you know.. the works.

Maybe men are more ambitious..
Ok.. ok.. maybe I am not that ambitious.

Maybe if I really had to wish for something it would be that I look beautiful, hot and slim forever.

Ya.

And that I have kids.. because I want a family.. it makes you happy. You have something to do.

And thats all I really wanted.

So is it like I am not going to succeed in my career because I have no plan or goal.

Arre.. I am so adaptable.. I pick up things really quickly.. I think I will be great.

And work is work.. its nice but you need a life beyond it.

I am glad I have a blog to write in.. because just the thought that I can update people about my life makes it seem more interesting... like im living in a movie.
Ive always wanted to live in a movie.. infact ive always viewed my life as one.

One that only I am watching, ofcourse.
Try it, its fun ha.
Even the bad things just seem like climaxes.

xxx

The thing with Facebook is that we all seem to view our lives as if they are running soaps.. whether we are conscious of it or not.

My friend sent me a really nice quote yesterday:

"The demand to be loved is the greatest kind of arrogance." - Nietzsche

I think im going to like this Nietzsche.

Only 6 people found me so im back.

Im a greedy girl.

Speaking of which, I have been eating too much.
I travel for work and it makes me very hungry.

I feel very guilty but I tell myself that I am not a model, and I don't need to look perfect.

xxx

There are internet forums where some people have commented about me.
Its because of Femina, people apparently track all the contestants and comment on them.

Some things were fine and some things were not flattering.

Like people saying that im not pretty enough for being Miss Universe, or maybe not pretty enough at all.

And some people saying that all the contestants suck.. and are ugly.

And some people thinking that I am fat... can you imagine.
How did they come to that conclusion?

Because when I went for Femina my hips measured 37 inches.

I lost a lot of weight after that.. I became anorexic.. like actually.. and people on the internet saw those pics and some still called me fat.. because they were referring to the Femina measurements.

I should not be reading all of that. People are weird and bored.. but I cant help myself. Its an itch.. you wanna know when someone is bitching about you.

xxx

So I realised.. that maybe im not that pretty.. maybe I just think that im prettier and smarter than I am, and that im actually quite ordinary.

Its not like im allowing myself to be judged by idiots.. its just that maybe I think I am very great without any reason.

Anyway after my illness I have no idea how I look. Whether I am attractive to people or not.
I feel ugly.

Earlier when I would walk into a room I would be so confident.. now I feel like pleb.

Hide and Seek.

So two days back I changed my domain name.
I wanted to keep my shit secretive.

But no one was viewing my blog.

Which means that the people who were reading my blog googled for me.

Most of them did not just randomly come across it.

Anyway.. only 2 people read my blog yesterday.. so I felt sad and lonely and changed my domain name back to the old one.

So I get attention, but how do I talk about my love life?

What the fuck?

xxx

The thing is, its really no fun blogging if no one is reading it.

And its fun trying to hide identities.

Lets just continue this.

Ok.. no lets try malurane.blogspot.com
Find me!

No one's reading my blog now... since they can't find it.. thats kinda sad.. but what can I do.. Its too intrusive

Yeah!
No one will be able to find me now!

But what if he's already read all that rubbish!

Oh God what if 'he' reads all of this.
Anyone who googles me gets this link first.

And yet I have this compulsive need to write it all.

Thank you God!

Facebook,
Why can't I be friends with myself?

Bad.

I was wondering whether he cared about me.
Then I made myself stop wondering, because I wasnt sure whether I wanted anything to happen between us.

I find relationships scary. Its like the fear of the unknown. Im so used to being single and I know what to expect every day that the element of uncertainty unnerves me.

I think I like him.
One of the reasons I like him is that I want to be loved and cared for. I want that support and everything.

But I am scared.
Why am I scared?

Because what if it doesn't turn out right?
As expected?
Eventually I do not really know him and people are different once you get familiar.

And anyway I am speaking like I have an open offer and the descision is in my hand but I don't even know if he likes me or wants anything.

It just seems as if I am passing my time here, thinking about the possibilities of a romantic relationship.
Nice way to spend a Saturday at home,like.

When I was younger, in college, my female friends and I would carry out very thorough studies on whether our crushes liked us or not.
We would try to interpret guestures, statements, and collected information and use our combined expert opinion to come out with the final conclusion, mostly positive, for the sake of common friendship and all that.

Your friends will always make it seem like the guy is into you so that you can feel better about yourself.
Over time I have realised that this analysis is absolutely feckless though not necessarily a waste of time.
It can be the very passage of time.

Anyway,
basically ive stopped discussing the men im into with my friends as I don't see how the discussion is going to help in any way. Infact it will just increase my longing, optimism and expectations.

I dont talk about him.
I wont think about him.
Till I know anything.

Im not going to make myself unnecessarily like someone.

But on my own, im sure I can, just for a bit, ponder over whether he does like me?
What does he think of me?
Hmmm.
No conclusive evidence, I have, to study.
So why bother with this?

Its just that im 24.. and being single makes no evolutionary sense. Right?

And I also have this lovely theory about how we go about our entire lives in search of the same love and attention we once enjoyed for a brief period of time as children, before it vamooshed as a result of societal norms and decentralisation of power in the parent-child hierarchical structure once we grew up.

Long sentence.

97% in CET.
Was expecting 99.

Anyway maybe it will go up after the marks for the GD/PI are added.

CET results are going to be out today.

In line with my new superstition stratey I would like to states that 'Darlings.. im like totally gonna rock it'!
Yeah!

I am sad.

Because of several reasons.

Firstly I am embarrased about some earlier posts.. but im too lazy to go through all of them and delete the ones I dont like. Thats why I dont want bloody Google to find me.

Secondly I should not go and read discussion forums from my Miss India days.. its very embarrassing. Reading other people's comments can be very depressing.

Thirdly, I hate heartache. Its such a bitch. The unattainable gets stuck in your head.
What is the point of complaining about the sorry state of affairs!
Fuck it!

As it is im going to end up studying outside Bombay, so what is the point?
I would have studied in Bombay had somebody wanted me to. But only my mother wants me to study in Bombay and thats not a want thats good enough. Because she is just being hyper. Shes thinks that I will destroy myself again. Anorexia.

I know I wont.

xxx

I want to find somebody to get married to some day.

No no, not find.. thats the trap.

I want to get married to somebody handsome and intelligent some day.

What is the point of just finding and then looking at him get married to someone else right?
We're not making a movie here.

How do I stop search engines from finding my blog?
I even edited the html, but nothing seems to work.

What if 'he' reads it?
Anyway, how will 'he' know that its him?
Tell me, could you ever be so sure?

Don't be.

I passed the Night Club test last night, at Trilogy.

The Night Club Test is an important descision making tool in my life. For eg. I just knew that I had to break up with the only ex i've ever had when I started looking forward to going to night clubs without him.
I wanted to go on my own so that I could eye all the other interesting male options, smile at them and open the door to several further possibilities.
It was no fun going out with ex, infact it was a veritable pain in the wrist.

Yes, the night club test, a beautiful indicator because the night club is the ultimate source of discovery and temptation.

Unless ur the artsy type.

xxx

So you pass the test, when you dress up and go to a night club without a date, check everyone out and come to the conclusion that your friend back at his home is definitely better.
You make a definite descion.
You are looking so hot in your backless black number but you're not having fun coz no one intersts you.
Yes maybe it was a bad turnout, but the fact is that you are not really looking.
Gosh!

That is a good indicator of wanting to settle down with someone.

xxx

I've never really ever gone to a night club and not wanted to be without a date.

So have I transformed?
Do I think this is the best deal I can get?
Or is it just a case of grass being greener in your garden.

xxx

I am not averse to marriage again.
And if I bring it up like this at every outset, I dont think any guy is going to stick around long enough to partake in it.

xx

Now the tsunami here is that friend is just a friend. In fact there was an approximate distance of 10km between us at the last seating.

And we have never met alone.
'You little tall sucker,' you are saying.

Even Bombay Times says that the best indicator of a person not being interested in you is the fact that he/she only meets you with friends.

xxx

Soon he will get married to someone richer than me and "of his sub-caste."

xxx

Actually I dont know why I am being negative. Earlier I used to have this superstitious belief that good things will only happen to me if I imagine the worst.

But that stopped working.

Worst led to worst.

So I started being positive and started getting good outcomes, which means that I have to change my superstition-strategy.

But I wont allow myself to day dream about him, how much ever fun that may be and no matter how bored I am, because that is wrong and unreal and eventually pain full.

Given half a chance, I fall into attachment.