I think I want to drink coffee when im bored. Its my smoking, which I have incidentally stopped.
One day I just couldn't smoke anymore. It began to taste bad, if taste is what you can call it.

If I outside, doing something, I don't feel like drinking so much coffee.

xxx

I was going to write about colleges, but I should probably be careful. What if someone does a check and reads my blog. Unlikely but why take a risk.

xxx

I don't know where he is. He's not contacted me in a long time. Maybe he feels like he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.
Fine.
I don't feel anything. There is no point. We only make ourselves long and feel miserable.
I won't.

If he calls, its fine. I will tell him that he did not wish me on my bday.

When he himself asked me when my bday was so that he could call from outside the country and wish me. But he didnt. He forgot. You don't forget people you are interested in.
Ergo he is not.

I think we've gone over this.
But who can get enough about going over relationships or none.

So, he doesn't. And I will not take it personally. I will not think that I am not attractive. People like or don't like people for complex reasons. Its not only attractiveness thats a factor.

Reflecting on which, why am i only concerned about attractiveness and nothing else.
Because come on, everyone is a good person and nice.
And basically I fear losing something that I had.

I used to be a model. I used to look good. I don't know how good i look now. I fear that im not as good. Somehow i always fear falling from some standard. I think its a common phobia plaguing my ex industry.

xxx

And if you realise, liking is all about us.

xxx

We devote too mcuh time to liking. Its because we are bored.

xxx

My friend is in a bad place.
A guy who she didn't even like in the first place and is not good looking or super smart did not call her back. Imagine.
A guy who was persuing her through her ignorings.

They just persue you to win the match, I think. Then they score and move onto the next open.

Several crude jokes in there.

xxx

I want to study in Mumbai. But I don't think, I don't know, so far so calls from here.

I want several things, but there is no need or reason why I should get them.

An interpretation of a work may tell you more about the interpreter than the work.

xxx

Meanwhile i've fallen headlong in love with Satyajit Ray's films.

I was going to unthinkingly write that i only just discovered him.
But thats rubbish.
That does not make any sense.. just discovered him.. the whole world knows who he is.
We use so many terms without thinking.

So.. basically.. i only just saw a film of his.. sometime ago.. and have only been seeing his films ever since.
I will shift to other films once im done with all of his.

Oh but i've seen new releases. Thats different. Im only talking about films at home.
Illegally downloaded on my laptop.
Speaking of which i spend too much time with my computer.

Ok I think i've mostly gotten over the whole coll thing
Im not that smart.. never have been.. won't get in.
I tried, dreamed over.
I've not done badly.. should hopefully get into an A school.

I realised that its not an easy life im choosing for myself.
Im not going to be the favourite everywhere.
There are doing to be a lot of hard moments and disappointments.. but the best thing to do is not to dwell on them.
I will not be amazing all the time..

Im hardly putting any effort in the dance classes i joined this time. I don't know why. Maybe I don't find any incentive to do so.
So how will i be good. How will i get accolades. Ive become so clumsy.
And ie stopped caring whether im good at it.
I don't mind not being a good dancer. But i mind stopping to care about how good i am at something. I mind giving up.
But its like dancing is a hobby. I don't feel like practising at home. There is no motivation.
There is no one to impress.
Its silly like that.

xxx

I should practice.. because otherwise i will be standing at the back.

Im not even feeling like going for dance class anymore.

xxx

I think its just because im not getting the steps and im not the best.
Its stupid.

xxx

I will go. And i will put in effort.

xxx

And MBA.. I hope that i get into some college from the top 15.

Got only 83 in xat!

I am really sad that I did not apply to ISB.
I hope that I get into an esteemed institution.

Its petty or whatever.. but I really feel like studying in a college that gets a 'oh wow' reaction you know.
Like oh yes.. thats a really good college. Great place.. great things happen to people who pass out from there type of place.

I got a call from SIBM and SCMHRD... which is great. But its only a call for GD/PI, not the final admission.

I also got throught the first list for IIM K, which was only on the basis of my CAT marks. They asked us to submit our past academic marks on the basis of which they will come out with another list. Don't know if i'll be on it, but its ok.

All the other IIM's have come out with their lists.. and im not on them... but its ok.

I had good scores. I hope to actualize my GD calls into an admission in a good B school somewhere.

I now came 8th, all over India in the simulation CET test conducted by my class. Im happy.
Ok but you know now what the problem is. Some instituted are finishing off with their admission process before others are out with their final lists.

So say that I get into X college but im waiting for the final list for Y college which is better.
I can't risk not taking admission in X college, because there is no guarantee of me getting into Y college.
And if I do get into Y college, I will feel very bad if I can't go to it.. because it is much better.

So what to do. Will stress about it then, when the time comes. What else!

I hope they have sone refund policy. But still its super ouch to have to pay 4 lakhs somewhere and then get somewhere else.. pay 4 lakhs there and wait for this refund.

Anyway, why worry about it now.

We had to write 6 essays for SIBM and submit them before our interview.
Just submitted.. so feeling good and relaxed.

I usually make a wish list before my bday.
I don't know why.. I feel like its my bday so God will grant it to me or something.

Our generation is so comfortable.. really.. no wars.. no depression.. no discomfort.. lots of money.
The only things that make us uncomfortable is a lack of purpose and obesity.

We are too comfortable. Lolling in mass produced promises.. not having a purpose.. therefore believing that having even more comfort is our purpose.

So much comfort.. and yet here I have a wish list.
Can you imagine..

Firstly I wish happiness and luck to my family. I wrote it last but then decided to put it on the top.

And my kids. They need luck. I hope they do well in life. They are so cute.

The list:

1) To get into a school that will teach me things that will greatly benefit me.. and my future work. And the school should also get me a good placement and a good starting salary.

2)To meet smart and interesting people with whom I can create things.. and learn. Who will get me excited and fulfill my need to know and do.

People can't do this for me. I have to find out what to learn from people.

But I shall be friendly and care about people.

3)To have better eating habits.

4)To maintain my weight.

5)To have no marks on my face.

6)To have adventure and excitement.. but not to be harmed in the process.
(What? Its a wish. Wishes are perfect)

7)To be part of large scale events.

8)To be able to study hard.

9)Usually I also wish for love. Maybe it will be good. You always have someone to hang out with.
But its also scary.
But its also interesting.

Its like I didn't know how good life could be with a laptop till I got one.
But before I did, I didn't know that I was missing out on something.
But now I do believe that I was missing out.. and I cannot go back to a state of not having a laptop.

It is also because of this reason that I have decided to buy a BB.

And it is also because of this reason that I think that maybe love will be good.. it will fill my time.
It will add value.
And people go on about it so much.. so im taking their word for it.. that its good.

10) I wish that my hostel is nice.

11)I wish that I have a group of friends to hang out with at the hostel.. and im not group less like in ACJ.
Because that sucks.

12)I wish that I look pretty.
And its not least important.. by the way.

Thats it.. i've satisfied myself fully.

I put up the performance chart today. Its quite effective.

When I enter the classroom, all the children want to tell me their stories.
I'd love to listen. I'd love to chat.
But do you know what I have to do?
I have to tell them to stop talking.
Becase they are all talking and then one loses control of the class.. and everyone else will think that im wasting time in the class.

Still, I try to ask them whats going on in their lives.

xxx

Shahid does not even care about the chart.
He doesn't care about anything. He sits with his desk tangential to his chair over the carpet of his school bag.

When will he sit properly?
But atleast he now sits.
We've just gotten him to sit in one place.
When I first met shahid when he was in the Jr KG, he was playing catch with half the staff....
not the game.

Although he thought it was a merry one.

xxx

He's really cute.. but naughty.. and he has to learn how to listen and behave like the others.

Remember I told you about the call from some Rahul guy on the 1st.. and that I feared that the psycho was back.

I think he is.

Yesterday I got a call from someone.

Me-'Who's this?'

Person-'Who am I speaking to?'

Me-' Tsk. Don't you know whom you called.'

P-'Is this Nishita?'

M-'No.'

And I cut the line.

He called again. I answered.. because I thought maybe he was mistaken the first time around.

M- 'Who do you want to talk to?'

P-'You'

M-'What?'

P-'Yes, you. I don't want to talk to any Nishita.'

M-'Are you mad? Don't you have any real friends?'

I wondered if it was a friend playing a joke on me.

P-'Whats the problem?'

I cut the line. And subsequent calls.
Then he sends a message saying : Why are you being so rude?

What!

And it was a different number from the Rahul time, because I've already saved that as don't ans. This is don't ans 2.

Why do I think that its the same guy.. because how many psychos can there be? I mean doing the same thing.

I have gotten such calls earlier.. since I was in college. Especially around some yearly event.. diwali..xmas.. wishing me.
And when I would ask who it was.. the person would always say 'How does it matter?'

Ya.
Wierd.

And the calls.. just like these. The person would be like 'Hey, how are you?'
And when asked who it was.. 'What does it matter?'

Im going to tell my dad if he calls again.
I never bothered to tell anyone earlier.. because usually 'they/he' would wish me and then not bother me for the rest of the year.
Maybe i've even told my dad..
but its so wierd.

I was right.
He did not call me before he left.
And I did not want to message him.. because why should I be the only one remembering schedules.

And I get scared that people will stop liking people who are always around paying attention to them.

So he's left.. I guess.
Won't even remember to call me on my birthday.
.
xxx

And I don't even like him.
Romantically.
I won't be able to explain it properly.. see I don't have too many friends to hang out with.
And I genuinely like hanging out with him.
He is my friends circle.. sort of.
So what if he tires of me? Or doesn't like to hang out with me.
Is what I fear.

But so what. If he does.. he does.
When we bear death.. why are we afraid of these little little things.

Chalo.. forget it.

I am sure I just want attention.

A lot of donors give toys to the school. They just lie around in the office because there are not enough of them to give the kids to play or might be inappropriate for school time use.
For example teddy bears. You can't give a class of 45 kids 3 bears to play with, for obvious reasons.

The NGO committee thus decided to give each class teacher a bear to give to her best student instead of having them all just lie around in the office.

The day I told my students that the best behaved would get the bear, they were all so best behaved that I realised I needed to milk the bear for all it was worth.
Again.
You see its a second hand bear.

'Kids, I shall make a performance chart. Good behaviour will get you stars. Bad behaviour will take away your stars. And the student with the most stars at the end of the year (I might as well have them quiet for the rest of my stint) will get the bear!'

'Really miss?'

'Really'

'Miss i'll get it.'
'No, i'll get it.'

'Then behave. No talking.'
(Hey, and we will even learn subtraction)

xxx

Its truly beautiful.
Magical.
Even Shahid sits in his place.
I have a class of perfect students.
I don't know why I didn't think of the performance chart earlier.
Military, Communists, Job titles.. I had so many past examples to assist me, and I still didn't pick up on it.
Darn.
But better late than never.

xxx

I am so happy.
Will continue to be happy.. until the bear stops fascinating them.

And I have a conscience. Since im making them wait so long for it, im going to throw in some other gifts too. Probably chocolates and art material. Maybe even books. On science.
Yes, thats good.

I had a random thought.
See in the olden days, a lot of.. lot of women died in childbirth.
Could that be why men needed to have multiple partners.. to increase the chances of having an offspring.
And women did not need multiple partners.

And thats why men still rove.
More than women.. people will say that its a myth.. but its largely true.. you can attribute it to social conditioning or whatever.

xxx

We draw our conclusions backwards.. and they can seem to fit and make sense.. but that does not mean that they were the cause.
Which means that we might not know many things.

xxx

My dreams of getting into an IIM seem laughable.. something unachievable.. like meeting Brad Pitt in this lifetime.

6 IIm's have declared their result. They are taking past academics into consideration.. which is why im not in the running..
I was an arts student.. I didn't get 80% in the 12th. I got 62% at the time of graduation.
They will not even get to my 95.5.

So people who have gotten lesser marks than me in the CAT will get in because they had higher marks than me in school.

If every college is going to look at past academics where will I go.
I think I should seriously start considering Wellingkar and Sydenham or something.
I really don't know.. I may be left dangling somewhere.

Maybe I will go to MET.
My father said that I cannot have an ego.
Its fine.. I just hope that the quality of education is good.. thats all that matters really.
Then once I get a job I should try to be good at that.

College is just one thing.

I feel sad, but what is the point.
I just hope I get in somewhere..

My father said that I set lofty goals for myself and then get dissappointed when I don't reach them.

But I want big things.. and I don't feel like im inadequate.
Maybe that is not in accordance with reality.
Maybe everyone else can see that except for me.

But i'll still hope.. and i'll still dream big.
Im only not going to get into a foul mood when I don't get what I think I will.

Now im worried about Symbiosis.
I really did very well.(118.5)
But what if even they reject me on the basis of marks that I got in college.

Im trying again.. to study.. I wish people just took that into consideration. But I suppose there are too many people who are good.. and they need to draw a line.
But they will take people who got lesser marks than me now, in CAT.. only because they got more marks than me years ago.

But im working hard now.. am I not?

xxx

They don't tell you that life is going to be so difficult when you are younger.
Atleast I wasn't told.
I didn't have a clue.
I just sat comfortably in my middle class world.
In the 90's we didn't have many things to want.
I got most of what most kids, even those who were richer then me wanted.
It was very easy to get things.
All of us now think that is will still be very easy to get things.
But it won't.

Most of us are still just sitting around waiting for Shanta Bai, the Ayah to get things done for us.

I know that its difficult. And I am willing to work hard. Because I want things.
And this is a lesson why wanting things is good. Better than getting things or giving things to people.
Let people want things and get them for themselves.. because they can.

xxx

Thats why my friends go and study abroad.. it can be much simpler.

xxx

Just forget it. I shall hope the worst for the other results.
I am not contradicting myself. I just do this when results are imminent. It will hurt less.

Shit.
What am I to do?
It can't be possible that I won't get in anywhere right?

Im sharp..and quick.. and understand things fast. Don't people want that?
And why is it so tough for me India. Why is it so tough for even me?
With my good education.. and knowledge gained from books.. on a variety of things.
And math and logic..

India.. you make it pretty difficult. We need more good institutes.

Got my NMAT score.. 207.. not very great. Last time their cut off was 233. Don't know if the paper was easier.
I was pressed for time.. paper was easy.
Lets see what the cut off is this time.

My 2 %

95.5% in CAT - overall.
Expected.. I guess..
I wanted much more.

I didn't do as well in English. 78%.
I gave it less time thinking I am weaker at math (91.5%)

So now.. my overall score is more than the cut-off of almost all IIM's expect Ahmedabad.. but my english score is less than their cut off of 80%.

Yuck its terrible.
But I shall just wait for their short list.

Will get a call from other institutes.
But that does not mean im in.
GD/PI's await.

My IIM.
Sob.

By the way scored 98% in logic and data interpretation.
Will they call me for that??

No.. there are many 2% and 1 and 1/2% less. They have to draw a line somewhere.

Anyway.. I am praying.. for atleast a call from one of the IIM's.
Lets see.

xxx

Did well in SNAP (Symbiosis). Should get call.

I feel like I have no friends since I don't own a Blackberry.
Should I buy a BB?

I recently lost my phone and bought a Nokia.. so I feel guilty about buying a phone again.

I did not buy a BB then because I didn't want to waste money.. and I thought that it was another unnecessary object.
I didn't want to get sucked in.

But I am.

I think I shall wait for 1 week and see how I feel.

xxx

Otherwise.. God's birthday gift to me is a sony digital camera.
Really.. we found it on the road after a procession had passed.
We tried to find the owner.. but couldn't.

Its pretty top of the line.

I told you.. God loves me.

xxx

CAT tom.
Just because God loves me does not mean that he can keep on giving me things.

I will just face my aptitude tom.

My father told me not to have ego.
And to do an MBA from 'any' college.

Any.
Will it even be a good return on investment.
I have no choice. I have to do it.
My family thinks im old.

SP Jain comes out with a list of candidates short listed on the basis of their profile besides those short listed on the basis of their marks.
Marks aren't out as yet, but im not on the profile based list.

They don't even like my profile.

Im really depressed.
I thought maybe I have a shot at SP Jain..
The marks list is not out as yet.. but im sure that the cut-off will be really high.

Oh god.. how to study??
Now im scared whether i'll get in anywhere.

I wish I were an OBC.

He is not going to call me before he leaves.

My CAT will be out on the 12th.
I will do average.
And stop dreaming of fancy colleges for really smart people.

There are other good colleges.. with pretty smart people.. like me.
Not the brilliant people.
But thats ok.

I hope I get into those other good colleges atleast.

xxx

I have no expectations from CAT.

Don't proclaim that you hate people.

Mostly you will change your mind.

Atleast if you are as positive minded as me.
JK.

I don't think that he could like me.
I don't understand what he thinks of me.
Friends I suppose.

If he would actually like me I would feel too constricted and not like him.
Then I want people who don't like me to like me.

This is so perfect, I cannot tell you.

I really get attached too soon.
Especially if im given space.
Or made to wait.

xxx

Its hard to be objective when it comes to yourself.
One doesn't often hear the truth about oneself.

Its like you being the only person who doesn't know what your voice sounds like.
Your entire life.

Hard to imagine.. but true.

What is your relationship with your parents?

Mostly I hate my parents.
Or I really hate them right now and im being biased.

It feels really good to proclaim that I hate them.
Hate.

Why do I hate them like a spoilt brat?
Small things become so big that you cannot even express them.

I don't remember ever being unhappy with my grandmother.
Or maybe im idealising the past.

I don't know.

I think I should just sit with you, dear laptop, in my room, dear laptop, locked.
And watch movies or study.

And socialize.. because we all hope that we will meet someone who will love us.
We're so selfish.. we want to be loved.. other people are not there waiting to love us.. they are waiting to be loved.
We love people who love us. We love people who we wish would love us.
And be different from our parents.
And take away all the hurt.

xxx

I know that no one is going to be perfect. There is no lasting place that is perfect.

xxx

I told my kids the story of Midas today.
The king with the golden touch.

'So the moral of the story is?' ask I.

Harsh-'That I wish I had that power.'

The post mortem says murder.
He has been charged.

What happened that night was that he beat up Nari Uncle. Then he went out somewhere.. and spent the night out.. returning in the morning to find Nari Uncle seriously injured or dead. Which is when he called the ambulance.

xxx

We are having a Marka(death ceremony) for Nari Uncle on sunday.

After a while it doesn't feel like anything.
I too will go like this.

I didn't get into FMS as well. It is as good as XLRI and the MBA only costs Rs.20,000.
Seriously.

I have never gotten enough marks in the simulation tests to make it to their cut-offs. But I still hoped, for some miracle, or a good working day for my brain.

Which means that I probably won't get a call from any of the IIM's or XLRI either.

xxx

Im alright. I hope I get in somewhere.
You don't suppose i'd be a bad manager do you??
I mean you do suppose I have the aptitute for it right?

See,
few people are great..
most of them are average like me.
Middle of the bell curve.

They will be ok..
They will be average to good.

Some people know they are the bell-y of the bell curve.
Some people do not.
And some people do not have good luck.

Its not a bad thing.. they don't place psychological barriers on themselves. And as long as they don't get very dissappointed its fine.

I lost my phone and I don't have any of my numbers stored on it.
So right now, I got a call from an unknown number.

Person: 'Happy New Year!!'

Me: 'To you too. Who's this?'

P: Rahul Agarwal.

In my head - who?

M: Im sorry I don't recall you.

P: I met you at one of these fashion weeks. I was going through my phone so I thought I would call you.

M: OK thanks by.. (cut off)

P: I have ur pictures.. there is this show coming up..

M: Im not modelling anymore.

P: So what are you doing then?

M: MBA

P: From where?

M: Giving the entrance exams.

P: Oh when will the results be out.

M: 12th

P: So what else are you doing now.

In my head: Oh my god..

M: Teaching

IMH: This must end soon. I don't even know who im speaking to.

P: Oh ur a teacher.. which school.

M: ok I have to go now. Bye.

Click.

xxx

Arre.. why is he chatting.. I can't even remember him.
The number looks oddly familiar.
Could it be the wierd psycho guy from college.
Who's that?

Another time.

Saved the number as don't answer.

When you lose your phone you answer all your don't answers. This is my second one this season.

xxx

My partner in the XAT exam is messaging me on FB.
That too.
"Hi. How was the XAT.
Are you a model?"

Questions no one would ask in person in real life.
FB changes the nature of our reality..

I saw him looking at my ID.. but didn't think anything of it..
He was learning how my name is spelt.

Louis Banks donated biscuits.

Now very soon, im going to take a camera to school and show you interesting things.

Everything that is good in life is fleeting.

xxx

Want to know about another one of my irrational paranoia's??

So the nightmare is that someone is speaking about me and they are like 'Oh she used to look good earlier. But now...'

It sends a chill down my spine.
Do you identify.
I guess not.

xxx

It shall be said that im over obsessed with my looks. Everyone is over obssesed with some attribute of their selves. Maybe they don't write in a public blog about it, but they think it.

Yes, I suppose it shall be said that I am justifying.
But thats what is being human.

So there.
With love,
from a class A justifier.
xoxo

Nari Uncle's death was a story in the paper today.
"British national lets kin bleed to death."
Since that is what can be proven till now.

Its funny.. for someone who's accused of being cold and everything (by the parents) that I get attached to people so easily.
Easily attached so easily hurt.

People who get attached easily are the hopers. They are those sorry folk who feel wronged and are looking for the ultimate solution in the form of a person. There is no such concept or thing.
They want to be loved and liked by the object of their liking and for some reason this has always been difficult, or so they believe.

I am aware of my feelings therefore they have no power over me. Not power enough to result in foolish action on my part.. unless prodded by insecurity fuelled by another.
My other weakness.. the word of the other.

xxx

Basically I cannot understand how he feels about me.
Are we really just friends?
Which is good.. I wanted to be friends.
Anything more makes me uneasy.. if he liked me i would probably be cribbing about how it would be so much better if we could just be friends.. liking has always ruined my friendships and social life.
And reputation, by the malicious types you know.

But since I cannot understand whether he does like me.. and he probably doesn't ..it becomes something i wonder about.
I don't care.. I only wonder.

Since its better this way.
Its perfect.

They have taken the man, lets call him A from now on, to the Mahim police station.

A clearer picture of the story has now developed.
According to A,
the night before the death Nari Uncle had an accidental fall.
He then punched himself in the face.. which is why his body had black and blue bruises.. and then bled to death.

A has done nothing wrong, says A.

The police have booked him for negligence leading to death, for now, till they get further evidence from the post mortem.
It is a non bailable offence, therefore A now temporarily resides at the Mahim Police Station.

The police asked him why Nari uncle's hands are clean of blood, if he punched himself.
The police asked him why he did not call an ambulance at night, when Nari Uncle had been bleeding so profusely.
The police asked him why he did not ask for help, or do anything, other than mop up pools of blood with Nari Uncles shirt, while the old man lay bleeding.

They found the shirt in the bathroom. A had not tried to hide or dispose of it.

My father thinks that what might have happened is that they got into a fight, A punched Nari Uncle, saw the blood and panicked.. leading to the present circumstances. He does not think it was malice or anything crueler.

We cannot accuse him of anything until we know more.

A is a British national, therefore the police are treating the case very carefully. They don't want to come under the radar for treating him badly or something.
They told my father that usually they would have slapped the accused around, but they wont do so since the man is a British national.
Someone has been called from the consulate to oversee.

Mahim police station is not a jail and they only have a temporary lock up. They do not even provide food.. so my father is paying them to get him his meals and other things.

xxx

Let me tell you about the house where Nari Uncle was staying. The house belongs to his sister in law, Mohini Aunty, an Alzheimers and Parkinsons patient. During all these events she has been in hospital where she has been admitted for breathing difficulties, also after A's arrival.

The house was tenanted, then several years ago the owner told Mohini Aunty that she would either have to buy the house from her or move out. Mohini Aunty did not have enough money to buy the house, so my father paid 4/5ths of the money and in return she put the house in his name, after her death and that of Nari Uncle's.

I don't think A knows that. He wasn't in a mood to leave the house, calling it his own. He even put his own lock, which has now been changed.

My parents have lost the deed entitling them to the house.
They've just lost it.
Can't find it.
Can you imagine.
Its one of their few savings.

Thank god that I do not depend on other people and their things.
I don't depend on the future assets of my family, or assets that could be acquired from a spouse.
I don't dream of them or depend on them.
I depend on what I can get and hold.

xxx

Im not that crazy after money.. I just want to buy a house, have good clothes and travel. You only need more money for the first want, if you live in Mumbai.