A bemused Ekta(holding pink rose), told me that No, her father is not the florist.
They buy it.

Company is good.
Company would distract me from me.
Too much of me for me is not entertaining.

I mean I realised that the reason for most of my stress was the thought of figuring out what to do with my time.
Just wondering what to do to fill it.

I wonder if that is the cause of all human stress.

And still, i'd rather live.
We know this world. Sensation is nice.
We don't know what the other side holds.

Family fills up your time and keeps you company. Thats a good reason for it.
All of us don't have groupies. So family is good. Its readymade company.

Notice how people who have groupies often never want to have one family.

I don't think dying would be all that bad. But its too dark.

I won't go trekking.. because im not sure if i trust myself. What if there is some sub-conscious death wish in my head. I don't want to sub-consciously do something slippery.

Its quite scary, when ur on the edge. What if u slip?
You never think that you are going to slip. But.
Recall the people who were eating dinner at the Taj one night. What do you think they thought.

xxx

A lady comes to the local grocer each saturday, and makes him bundle out packets of provisions. 5 kg rice, oil,etc.

Those who want it and look needy can wait in line.
It is not peaceful.
The places are already booked.

That's why my servant Chanda doesn't have a shot.
"I don't care anyway. We get free stuff in our basti also. And now Ramzan is coming.. we will get even more."

xxx
The begger on the wheelchair is the don. He has bought out prime space outside the big famous temple. Bought it from the guard.
All the money and food amassed by the various beggars is first deposited with them. He then distributes the earnings as he chooses.

Women have to deposit more than that which they collect.
Even the schizophrenic.
Especially the schizophrenic.

xxx

I am the teacher. And yet I still seek spproval from the children. Because we all like to be liked.

xxx

I feel bad.. that I have no friends to hang out with.. aas such.
I feel bad when people meet up without me.

But why would they call me?
Since im not close to them I suppose.

Everyone is always fighting.

And my stupid dog keeps on barking.

I can't remember being comfortable in my own skin.

I think I envy those who are.

I definitely envy those who are perfect.

xxx

I hate mirrors.
I am never happy with what I see.
Often it makes me cringe.

I'll never look like how I would in a photograph right.

Let me tell you, when I was thinner, I liked mirrors better.

xxx

It may all sound like a senile rant.

If I accepted myself, maybe i'd be happier.
But who else would accept me then?

Another bad test.

The people I asked did worse.. but they are not whom I should compare with. The top are marks ahead and if they can do it then I should too.
The gap between our marks must reduce.
How do they do it?
What do they know?

I need to brush up my conceptual knowledge of mathematics and stop being afraid of tough looking problems.

I need to be smarter. How do I make myself smarter?
I mean math I can practice.. but logical reasoning and verbal ability.. you can't do much about that. Its what it is.

I need to be smarter.. I don't know how.
I also need to be faster.

Maybe this is my aptitude level because i've been geeting similar scores.
85%, 92%. I need 99% (for IIM).
I don't think I have the aptitude.. i'll try.. but what if im just not smart enough.

Anyway, I just hope my percentile improves atleast a little before the exams.
I hadn't done math for 7 years and i've learnt more than 3 years worth of portion in 5 months.
Learnt and forgotten by the looks of it. I suppose if I were really confident of my quantitative ability then I would have some hope.

But a college is a college.. and I'll do my course somewhere.. I hope atleast.

My mother thinks I should get hair extentions, which she has offered to buy, so that I can have long, lustrous hair like the Bollywood actresses.

I wouldn't mind them.

My mother wants me to look like a moviestar.

Its good for me.. I can improve upon myself.
The truth is bitter.. but its the truth.
You can hide it from yourself.. but everyone is seeing it anyway.

So its better to say, OK, this sucks.. but lets correct it.
And then you are better.

Ekta gave me a rose (red) today also.
I wonder if her father works at the florist's.
It must cost Rs. 5 atleast...so why would someone want to waste money?

After asking me whether it was a little boy.. or a girl, my mother instructed that in the event of the reciept of another unnecessary rose I must tell the child that it is wholely unnecessary.

I agree.
I won't favour her.. and its a terrible waste of money.

xxx

Abhishek's home-made bandage is off and foot seems alright.

xxx

I did not tell you about the incident.

The incident when my class went mad.
The BMC appointed teacher was absent so I had to manage the class by myself.
They were sitting quietly.. and the moment I entered it was madness.. u'd think someone has slipped something into the free khichdi.
They were out of their seats.. running.. screaming.. playing.

They just wouldn't listen. They know that I am not the "Teacher."
I am the friend.

It was crazy.

I was so embarassed.

After that day I have stopped being the mother/sister/friend and have tried hard to be the teacher.
I have become strict.

My throat hurts at times.

I don't know whether the equation has changed for them.
Do they take me seriously?
I will know when the BMC teacher is absent.

Her, they are petrified of. She has a stick.
She doesn't beat them with it, only the desks.
Its very effective.. even I have begun to employ it.

My father said that kids want to push you.. just to see till where you can be pushed.

Anyway.. I think I have a little more control now.. a little.

xxx

Schools are supposed to have their student teach BMC school kids couple of times a week as compulsory social service.
My brother's school sends his batch to a local Urdu medium BMC school.
They teach small groups, and even then its hard to get anyone's attention.

Forget the volunteers.. he was saying that the students don't even listen to the government deployed teachers.
My brother saw students playing catch around the teacher while she taught.

Im better off. They weren't that cruel.

Abu was also telling me that they throw away all the food because they carry their own food.
So why do they even take it?
Pathetic.

Hunger. Do u know what hunger is?
You don't.
You won't know.. and u can't imagine.

xxx

I confronted another mad man in juhu.
Juhu is filled with demented hobos.

When I was young, the naked lady was a local landmark.
He did not marry her, I heard.
Sorrow drove her crazy.

That maybe explains the exhibitionism.

Anyway.. this man was talking to himself on the opposite side of the road.
He came over to me, which was when I noticed the long blades in his hand.
He muttered something incoherent and unconnected.

"Move out of my way!"

"No don't go there(in english). Its not safe."

So you know what I did.. instead to going around him.. which may not have been possible.. but even trying to.. I told him to move out of my path.

It was stupid. He had blades. But oh no.. my ego is too big to make me move about. I stood ground till I shouted him off my path.

It was veyr stupid. And how can I get insulted by a mad man. Again. There is no reason to take insult. They r mad. They will not move. I should have run away. But I am stupid.

Its very satisfying to blog/tweet/ update ur FB status.
You always have someone to talk it out to, right?
And its not like writing in ur dairy...
Here you have the satisfaction of hoping that maybe there's life out there... reading this.

Yay!

If you speak to people.. you can never fully express yourself because the person is going to add a comment and you may forget ur drift. Or the person may want to express themselves and you have to forcibly keep ur mouth shut.

(Always, always the subtext is sarcasm. I would not like to be branded a head case. Social Capital is EVERYTHING)
xxx

Do I need to meet you anymore?
I often wonder whether my generation will one day come to feel that physical contact is over-rated.
Even Sex(?)
What if people start to feel that our desire for physical contact is just social conditioning.

Man is a social animal.
But does the medium matter?

Our genes will probably scream "Yes it does. Like have you not even heard what Darwin said already."

Who knows?
An idea is like a virus.

A dream can become reality.
Ask a drug addict.

Net-o-maniac.. Im sure some populist journo will type...

Anyway.. my mind...
Our mind sees much worse than what is.
We fill in the blanks with immense vulgarity.

The others are always more debased.
Or maybe its our imagination.

One of my students, Ekta, gave me a pink rose today.
It feels good. I know this is what is meant by currying favour but I've not recieved flowers too often in my lifetime. So i'll enjoy it.

xxx

I keep on forgetting that the children I teach live in slums.
In the classroom they are just small babies in uniforms.

I keep on forgetting till a child faints.. because he's not had anything for breakfast.
And most others have just had black tea.

The worst part is that they are not even so poor so as to not be able to afford it. Its just lack of concern on their parents part. Or maybe they have to work and are very hassled. I can't pass judgements.

xxx

Some kids get big packets of fancy cream biscuits to school everyday.
My mother would allow me only four.
She believed in moderation.

xxx

No free raincoats this year, but free umbrellas, from the PR machinery of the bollywood film "Khatta Meetha."

xxx

Abhishek has been limping his way to school since the past three days because of a cut on his foot. His mother has tied a torn kerchif around it. Thats the only treatment it has recieved so far.
I told her to take him to the doctor.
Doctor services are even free at Cooper Hospital which is close-by.

But no.

I must admit though, I think Abhishek enjoys the bandage and limping.. so I don't know how badly he's been hurt and whether its healed.