I ate.. and I have put on 2kgs.
I had to be scared into it.
"Put on weight or take the high calorie, undoubtedly effective MASS GAINING protein shake."

Not that!
I will end up looking totally humungous.
So I ate.

And I should be happy.. I guess it does look better.. but my legs look humungous.
I should have put on weight on my arms.. but it always goes to the legs..
Its not loose flesh though.. thats a concession.

I am upset actually.. because I did not even eat that much. I still eat very little.. and all it took was a few morsels more of food and I bloated up. How come url eat and don't gain weight?
Why can I not be like url?
Why this weird metabolism?

Anyway.. my parents are happy.. I will get more freedom.. it looks nicer.. people will get at me less..
So its all good.
but I can't possibly put on any more weight.

xxx

Did I mention.. I started working. I like work. I like to be occupied. In life, I wish for work, so much of, that keeps me through the day. Because I don't want to think.. to day dream. And I have no personal life.

I wonder why nobody can love me. Like a guy.
I wonder why I can't eat like url.

We have some things.. and don't have others.

xxx

I don't know if this should be a cause of concern but I cannot make myself party. I don't feel like dressing up. I don't know if I am avoiding extra calories. I don't know.
Again I didn't go for my friends birthday.
Maybe I just need the right company.

And then I fear that I will never meet anyone my age.

Should I not be getting married or something.. im 23.
I never knew, when I was young, that I would grow up to be a spinster.
But its a great possibility.

Its just that, people.. a husband.. kids... help you pass your day.. fill ur time.. and ward away some boredom. Which is good.
Life is strange.. all we want to do is get done with time.
What did Einstein think of life?

xxx

I will be less rude and more sensitive to people.

xxx

My father was so worried. He was feeling frustrated.. that he has done so much and still no result. He's much happier now. How could I have been so selfish.

xxx

I started eating lunch. Just eating.. because it is lunch time.. and not thinking about whether I should eat or not.. about how hungry I was.
And if this weight is a result of that.. so be it. People eat lunch.

Not coffee and sweets.

Maybe one day I will also eat dinner.

I hope I will stop gaining this weight at some point. It can't just go on indefinitely can it. It scares me.

xxx

I should not care. I should not care. It does not matter. Anyway no one loves me. Not even when I tried to be perfect.
It really does not matter.
I will just not think of food.