Something very bad just happened.
An old uncle of mine.. my father's mother's sister's brother in law, Nari Uncle, passed away today.
It came as a shock.
He was old.. but relatively healthy and quite mobile, making it for almost every family function.

How did he die?
From an accidental fall apparently.
But cops found his blood on the wall and his body is badly bruised.
And he was not alone.
There was another present at the scene.

This man, his sister in law's brother's son, had been staying with him, uninvited and unwelcome.
I don't know where he is from, but he came down to Bombay and plopped himself in Nari Uncle's small one bedroom that houses two old invalids because its free bed and boarding.
He would fight with Nari Uncle everyday.
Nari Uncle even told my father on Tuesday that he had beat him up and that he wanted the man to leave. When my father said that he would get him out and call the police Nari Uncle said to give the man two days to leave on him own. After all he was family.

Next thing we know Nari Uncle has passed away. The cops suspect something foul. Invetigations are underway and the post mortem will reveal more.
The man told the police that the bruises were caused when Nari Uncle beat himself up. He said that Nari Uncle was beating himself while crying out 'stop beating me' to give the impression to the neighbours that the man was beating him.

I hope it was an accident. I don't understand how someone can kill another person.
I wish my father had done something about it earlier.

When Nari Uncle apparently had his accidental fall, the man called an Ambulance to take him to the hospital. The doctors in the Ambulance said that he was dead and that there was no point taking him there. They then asked for their money and the man refused to pay.. making the ambulance wait for 2 hours till my mother got there and could then pay them off.
That after staying and eating for free for weeks.

The neighbours saw the ambulance and came to investigate. After a while he shooed them off, locked the house with the dead body in it, and went off for lunch, leaving the body in the house and the ambulance below the house.

Its not normal behaviour.

xxx

My parents are still there. I think that the police are going to take him in tonight. We'll know more when they do an autopsy.

I am extremely insecure about my relationships with people. Ok men mostly.
If they do not call for a while.. I think that I must have behaved terribly the last time we had met and now he must not want to meet me anymore.
It does not help with my mother constantly asking me why that person hasn't called to meet me.
Yes why? that makes me think.

No.
I am not going to complain about my mother.
Im in a rush.

But what I want to say is that everytime im feeling low like this... I think that atleast some kids in my class must like me. I know they must.

Even if they trouble me and do not listen at times.

And that's ok.. because even i have troubled the teacher. If we were only friends they would have never troubled me.. but i am not supposed to love in the classroom.. i have to teach. I do love them.. but i have to be strict.

What happens to us?
How do we go from kids who love so easily.. and who show love.. to us.. not showing love and making life overly complicated for no reason.

Ok maybe im being idealistic.. kids can be cruel too.. ask mahesh(docile child).
I just have it good coz im older and kids love older people.
Ok forget it.. no conclusion.
The end.

One of the volunteer teachers, Jenny, had invited the rest over to her place on Christmas for snacks.
She's made 4 different types of cake-plum,fruity,marble and chocolate, and even made the ice cream and wine herself.
Besides that she made xmas snacks unique to the christians in India- curl curls(called kal kals by the hindi speakers), curled (surprise) cookies, sugar coated or not, coloured or not,
kopra (coconut) something,
date rolls,
marzipan and nankhatai.

I felt full just looking at all the food.

No i've decided.. my birthday gift to myself is going to be to make myself eat better.
I realised that maybe fat people on diets eat more than me.

xxx

I've just been watching movies all the time.. I should really study.. I have an exam on the 2nd.

I was going to complain about having a lot of free time.. but i won't.. what if one day i don't have any free time and i hate that even more.
You know what they say about being careful about what one wishes for..

xxx

My brother just sits on Facebook the entire day. I should not pass judgements.. i watch movies the entire day.
My main point is that we don't even talk.. he only finds his friends interesting.. i guess that is normal.. he tries to speak as little as possible..

xxx

Why do people always bitch about other people? Oh that mother is bad and that family did this and look at how those people bring up their kids..

I think we just need to feel like we're better.

But we're not.
xxx

You know, whenever you go like 'I can't understand why a person would do that' its only because you don't know the real reasons. You don't know enough..
You can always understand why a person acted as they did..
Why?
because we are all so similar..
if u can't understand why, you don't know the real reason.. the world and its people are very simple to understand.. everything can be broken up into the basic.. because everything arose from the basic.. from practical solutions to problems encountered on a daily basis.

Secret Santa seems to have really caught on with the 'Sushi Set'.
Thats what im going to call them from now on. (If someone steals it, know that I said this first)

Who are they?

They are my friends, and me I guess (with more things).
Young, urban, cool, daddy's money.

Not living south of Juhu/Bandra.

Discerning, perfect english, american graduation.

Multiplex audience, Zara, FCUK, Mercedez, BMW, Blackberry,Wine, and ofcourse... Sushi.

Neo-spiritualist, off beat.. offbeat movies, hair, music.
American pop culture and pop counter-culture.

Branded in taste with money.
They fascinate me.
As I see globalised evolution before my eyes.

xxx

I must really stop eating cake.

So it is Christmas eve.. and as you can infer.. I am at home.
I was out.. for my uncle's bday party.. but that doesn't count.
And I don't care.. I have no desire.

xxx

I cannot take off the ring.
I actually understood the whole point of a ring you know.
The whole point of a ring is to remind you of the person who gave it to you.
It makes you feel special.
So I will never buy a ring for myself.

I want more rings.
We all want more rings.

One of my students, Ali, gave me a ring today.
Its a child's ring, tiny, and the stone has fallen off it.
It only fits my littlest finger.

Its one of the sweetest things anyone has ever given me.

Kids keep on bringing flowers that they've plucked on the way to school and sweets.
Ali must have wanted to give something too.
Giving gives them happiness and a sense of pride.
They are not able to give often.

You must envy me now.
Teaching is a profession that can make you feel very good about yourself.

xxx

Today was the last day of school before the Christmas break.
The kids got to eat wafers and Rasna with their khichdi.. and we gave them cake and 2 buiscuit packets to take home.

There were some teachers who had come from the Podar School. They performed this skit and there was a Santa who gave all the kids towels. I guess the NGO committee decided that this would be the most useful thing for them.
The BMC teacher told them, "Now that you have a towel make sure you actually use it and have a bath everyday."
Many of my students do not look as if they do.
I don't blame them.. the toilets must be pretty bad.
But then who keeps them dirty?


The kids were very happy with all the gifts.. and they went a little mad with all the sugar. Although my class was better behaved than Division A.

When presents are distributed, my children behave.. because I always threaten to take the gifts away if they don't.

Yesterday I took the sweets from the naughty kids and gave them to the quiet ones just to make a point.

I still think that they don't take me seriously enough.

xxx

They were all dressed up today.

xxx

Buramhi, with the mental problem, decided to paint her nails red and put a tikka on her forehead with the red paint provided to paint stockings.
Her mother got angry.
"Why don't you hit her when she does things like this?"

How can we hit her?
I whack her lightly at times.. but firstly.. you can't really hit someone.. and secondly it does not work with her. She has a problem. She turns into a crying, angry, biting, hitting ball of fury when you do that. The best way to handle her is to ignore her provocations, be firm and understanding with her. She wants love.

Yesterday she bit a teacher. The BMC authorities have asked her parents to take her to KEM hospital for a consultation. The BMC provides free facilities and help for children with learning disabilities.. atleast on paper and at our school.
But the parents don't want to go. They refuse to accept that she is not normal.

My phone works now. But I still don't have an outing.
xxx

Tomorrow is the last day of school before the Christmas vacation. We are having a party. Some people are coming to perform a skit.

Yesterday the bollywood actor Ajay Devgun visited the school and donated biscuits and things. One of the Teach India volunteer teachers is his friend or acquaintance.

I accept that I am not perfect.
That is ok.
I cannot get upset about the things that are not so good about me.
There are a lot of things that are good about me.
I should accept the imperfect and try to improve it.
But not as a maniac. I will be at peace with myself.
I will be realistic and not over critical.. as that makes one touchy and painful to be with.

One of the nicest things to do in the world is to half-sleep while thinking about the party you went to last night.
It was a good party because I met friends from the modelling past.

It was at a farmhouse in Madh Island. The theme was Casino Royale. The place was actually done up with the theme and everyone actually dressed up. Which is nice because it makes it much more fun.

It was a good excuse to wear this gown I own, which I could never find an occasion to wear. I was having a fat day.. and gowns are perfect for them. My red dress did not fit me.. not because I am fat.. but because I was a smaller size when I bought it.. but it resulted in dressing up auge.

Everyone was really sweet. I was surprised. I think I should be in better touch with them. They really seem to like me.

The birthday boy used to be really overweight.. but then he had a gastric bypass.. and I was schocked to see how slim he's become.
S has also become very thin.. but that is because she broke up with her long time BF.

My friend's film producer made her get him and his friends along to the party. One of his friends is a banker at Standard Chartered who has done his MBA from MDI. 6th or 7th best institute in India. That's really good. But I didn't like his attitude.

He must be smart.. but he's not the only person in the country capable of getting into a good institute. He was very boastful and patronizing. And then he wants to dance with me. Which is sometimes, as in this case,really just an excuse to position yourself close to the lady.

I told him that I didn't want to dance(First time)
Not this song(Second time)
Not with you(Third time)

and other variations.

Why does he have to touch me.

And don't people get it. I thought he would feel slighted and ignore me after the first time.. when I left him on the dance floor.

xxx

Why do I want the player to look at me. He's not even that good looking. Just very alpha male. Just that, otherwise he is not my type at all. The first time I met him I thought he is a sweet, simple guy. He held my bag for me the entire time at China House.
And the next time I saw him.. my god.. he looked like a Hip Hop video.
He's an actor.
Do I like celebrity's? How tacky of me.

xxx

Someone stole my phone from my bag last night.
We think its a klepto.
When I was modelling, people would flick make-up, phones, high heels and even lingerie.

That stupid Vodafone said that my new sim card will take 24 hours to activate. It is going to ruin my social life.. so close to New Years.

The english tutor at my class is so insulting.
He makes the class feel like imbeciles. If we knew everything why would we come to learn. Obviously he knows everything, that is why he was employed.
He has a really bad attitude problem.
I hope I do not insult my kids.

I have a feeling that I think I am smarter than I really am.
I am not as smart as the smart people I associate myself with.
I seem to be smarter than I really am.. which means that im really just a talker.

I did not get shortlisted for IIFT.
What if I don't get in anywhere.
I will get into some stupid college in Maharashtra..
And I will hate to attend it,
but I won't have a choice.

I have no reverence for grammar. I like doing what I want to with the english language.

Yesterday i'd gone for my cousin brother's engagement party. His grandparents had thrown it for him in the garden of their lovely penthouse in Malabar Hill.

Random thoughts:-

* You may appear to be snooty, even if you are not, if you wear expensive things and don't smile much. Like some of the aunties present there.

* Marriage Marriage Marriage. I told my parents that I want to be a playboy.

Mother- "If you say that you don't want to be married it means that you will get married very soon. Look at your cousin Deepa."

"Why would you wish for something I don't want."

Father - "You are denying it a bit too vehemently."

"Am not. And means nothing."

Why do parents think that all their progeny wants is marriage and that happiness/social scceptance equals marriage.

I don't know what I want. But I know that I am just becoming ok with the idea of not getting married.
All said, I would always study opportunities if they presented themselves.. but I don't want my parents asking around for me. Never ever.

xxx

There was this guy whom my mother was thinking about for me,
"He's not so rich. Into advertising in NY. But he has family money. Nice bungalow in Chowpatty. But smokes."

Before any further conversations could take place, we got news that he's engaged to a girl he met in NY. Indian from Delhi. He is moving to Delhi and is going to start afresh there.

Met his father last night. Told us boy is riding a bike in Argentina. Will be in S. America for 3 months. Lost wallet. Girlfriend going to the rescue.

xxx

Father identifies himself with son. Wants to be seen as dashing and dangerous.
"If my son is anything like me, I pity his wife," he proudly says.
Wearing a purple Gap sweatshirt.
Identifies himself as being young.

xxx

I am still to get used to the fact of seeing uncles drunk and talking more than they intend to.

xxx

There is nothing wrong with uncles and old people telling you that you look good.
But it can be a little strange at times. Maybe in the family party context.

xxx

I ranked 18 among fellow students in Maharashtra in a CET simulation test conducted by my class. Its good.. but nothing to be too happy about as there will be more competition.
It could mean that I have done not too badly in exams conducted previously.
Or it could not mean a thing. I could have done really badly.
Expectations are dangerous.
I thought I would do well in other contests, but I didn't.
So I won't expect anything good.
That is safe.

(If)I will go to.. MET college(not really great).
But it will be ok.

Vineet's father is the Juhu Beach lifeguard.

xxx

My brother's friend was telling me a funny story the other day.
In Mumbai, you have Gujurathi colleges, Sindhi colleges, Christian quota colleges, etc.
What this means is that the college was originally set up by donors of that particular sub-caste and speaking that particular language to uplift and benefit the younger members of their group.
Till date the government allows the college a certain percentage of caste quota.

My brother's friend is a Gujurati (Varna-Vaishya,Traders) and had gone to apply for admission at a well known Gujurati college, Mithibai.
As he was waiting in line at the counter, a fellow Gujurati girl asked him.
'Science?'

'No'

'Commerce?'

'No'

'Pachi kya?' (Then what could you possibly be applying for?)

'Arts,' he says.

'Acha...
Drawing ma saru che?'
(oho!, so ur good at drawing?)

I went out sailing on Sunday. My friend is a member of the Boat Club.
It was a racing yatch, Beneteau, the one they use in the olympics. I helped put up the sail and steer. It was fun, though quite leisurely, not sweaty and adrenaline-ey, which is more my type.
Effort, pain, fear.. makes me happy.

After sailing we went to Starboard at 'The Taj Mahal' hotel for a drink and then to the 'Zodiac Grill' for dinner.
Look at my luck.
There is God, I will vouch for it, and he really likes me.
My mom has always told me that.
He's good to me.

So I had cognac for the fisrt time, Hennessey.
It was so lovely neat. It made me realise that the cheap liquor i've been drinking all this while is absolutely vile. The only decent drinks i've sipped in my life are JD and Henessey. The rest was rubbish.
I mean.. the taste is so different.
Its unfair to price it so high and make the world drink rubbish.
Anyway..

I also had scallops for the first time.. they taste truly divine. My current favourite meat infact.
I like seafood except for fish.
Scallops, lobster,oysters, mussels, clams, prawns..

So Zodiac Grill is highly rated. That night the food was pretty, but ok tastewise. My scallops were amazing but that is because scallops themselves are amazing.

Food is not like liquor. It isn't necessarily better if its more expensive.

Amuse Bouche was camembert in some sort of wafer with cranberry sauce. Fine
First course was Asparagus and Camembert souffle. Pretty but ok on taste. The souffle tastes like scrambled egg white.

Then onion mini croissant.

Palate cleanser of pink guava sorbet before the entree.
Mine as I mentioned was scallops in a butter sauce, I think.
I didn't look at the menu much. It scared me because it said caviar and foie gras and had no prices printed alongside.
(My father later told me that the women are given a different menu always, one without the prices. Thats worse anyhow.)
My friends had ravioli with strawberry foam and a fish. I didn't try.

Dessert was creme brule and kahlua mousse. I didn't like them. Brule was sugary.

They also kept petit fours, mini desserts on the table, mini tart, macroon, chocolate cake, not nice.

I prefer the food at Indigo, which is the only other place i've eaten sort of European food.

So thats that.
Don't despair about food if ur middle class. But despair about the alcohol.

A friend asked me if I could be with one man only.
At one time, I could.. but do I want only one man.. forever.
I don't know.. I can't answer that. My thoughts are too muddled.

When I was younger I was so sure that that was all I wanted. Maybe im too scared now.. maybe i've become too much of a rover.

I want to be a playboy. Not the bunny.
I don't know if I cannot(like 1 person), or that I am too scared to like only one person always.

We don't like one dish always.. we don't like one decor always.

I don't even want to think about kids. I don't know if I want them.
Maybe I 'feel young', you know, because as my mother often reminds me, im not.
But i've not even dated enough people.

Choice. It all come down to choice. We want everything in 5 shiny metallic colours.

If you are not interested in someone.. you should just tell them straight away that you are not interested in them right?

Men don't like that.

But what else can you do.. you have to say it.

Why should I be impressed by someone's Mercedes S class.. that too when he's asking me if I know what it is. Irritating. But anyway, why will I be impressed?
That he has a 3 bedroom apartment of his own in Bandra..

First of all-
How will it benefit me that someone else own's these things. Someone else own's them.. not me.. He's not going to give it to me.. or do the men want to make it seem like they can buy expensive things for me.. stupidity.. expensive things are usless anyway..

Second of all-
His boasts reveal that he could be too rich.. if he thinks that owning a Mercedes or flat in the suburbs is impressive. Although thats not the point.. just a dig at him.

Very often I find myself feeling that there is nothing more left to see. Yes I may do things that I haven't done before.. but how different are they anyway. I fail to see the point of existing. But I exist.. because I am scared of death and existing is what is expected of me.

I just don't find anything worth looking forward to.
I have a lot of fun when I go out.. I feel happy when I travel.. but all this is momentary.. and not all that different.

I don't find myself getting attracted to anyone anymore. I did not know it but I have become so scared of attraction that I vehemently avoid it. It makes me squirm.

I have put all my bets on work. Maybe when I have something to do.. something that occupies me the entire day, I will not feel like this. I will be too busy working. Maybe work will make me happy.

I am scared of relationships. I am scared of intimacy. I don't know why.. suddenly..

I know that it must be pretty irritating to read about someone cribbing over unimportant things like their insecurities, but to the cribber itself, its an inextricable part of their present consiousness.
So please forgive.. if not understand.

I fear that I really have fallen. One never knows how one looks. But one does not like one's recent pictures. One is hoping that they are just bad pictures. One hopes that those scars of recently bygone pimples will vanish off the face of one's face.. to leave it unblemished as before.

The pedestal is beautiful..
was beautiful.

Im thinking of maybe still putting on some weight. Maybe my profile will look better then.. less jarring.
Im not going to the dermatologist again. Im scared of putting anything on my face. The pimples have only just gone. I can't even say that this is unfair because i've enjoyed not having any pimples all these years.. but it is painful.

So I shall now hope that they are bad pictures and that those marks will go.. somehow.. with time..
I will work on everything else.. hair, teeth..

And thats it.. bad can be made better.. i will be in a better place.. so what if im not there now.
Studies are good. But I need to buy my house and I hate Bombay real estate rates.. they are killing my dream. I will need to buy a house in Delhi.
Or maybe im just going to be somewhere else.

Before doing anything on FB, we all think about how we will be perceived by our 'friends.'
We don't always right the truth.. we write what we think will work with others. Something that is tried and tested, similar. Its safer.
What if someone thinks that we're wierd or stupid.

I am absolutely fascinated by FB. Its my Amazon rainforest (I wont say Galapagos since im modest). So many things to understand.. so many revelations to be made.. now that the place has already been discovered.

Its an open invite to allow someone to know how you want to be percieved and thus accertain your personality on the basis of that.
Did I say its truly fantastic.

I was searching for my cousin, XY on FB.
Found one XY.
Is it her?
Could be her, if not for the picture.
Profile could be anyone's.
Everyone's.

If not for the picture.
Picture could be someone's.

xxx

See, we all want to be the same.
Or we all want to be different.. in the same way.

xxx

We still are different.. with unique experiences.. but we tend towards homogeneity. And thus we can be categorised and sold things.

The aunt who had come to visit from Manhattan.
She's a stroke victim, completely paralysed from the right side of her body.
She lives alone.
Her italian husband Victor, is a Parkinson's patient and lives in a home. She obviouly can't look after him being a invalid herself, but she visits him almost thrice a week.

She visited because she wanted to make one last trip to India to meet all her relatives.
One last trip before she leaves for Switzerland in June, where euthanasia is legal.

She's decided to stop living.

She told me that she and her husband had discussed this and were supporters of a pro-choice stance.
Ofcourse this option is closed to Victor uncle now, since he is not of sound mind anymore.

What do I feel? What do I think?
I don't know.
Does it mean that she is not happy?
I wish I could have made her happy.

Does it mean that she is in a lot of pain?
Is she afraid that she won't be able to look after herself for much longer and thus wants to die before she becomes completely helpless and this option shuts down for her too.

Yes, this makes most sense.

It still feels strange.. to have a date.

xxx

I wonder how the center is there.

xxx

When I spoke to Vineet's mother about his homework she said "Oh let it be, anyway we are sending him off to the village next year."

"School?" I ask.

"Over there only."

Vineet is not going to be literate I think.

He already is literate actually, since our government define literacy as being able to write ones name in any language.. and still we have such a large illiterate population.

And Vineet has no clue.
He told me that he wants to become an actor.