My father, the photographer, specialises in photographing Art works. Painting, installations and so on.
Its an art.

I have started to accompany him on his shoots sometimes. I get to meet artists, spend hours in galleries under a comforting blanket of art.
Or the comforting blanket of not having to do anything except take in.

Its a theory of mine. We like watching, reading, eating, because they are valid, socially consenual excuses for not doing anything.
And not feeling guilty about not doing anything.

Anyway on one of these outings, I met the artist Ilaa Dev Pal, renowned, protege of Hussain. Also, poet, writer.
She sent her book to my place for me to read.. so that we can discuss it. Its a collection of expression through paintings and verse at the same time. Poetry on paintings. Poetry and paintings.
Its signed by Hussain.
"Poetry to be seen. Images to be read," says he.

xxx

She even has a Hussain cupboard at her studio. By that I mean the doors of the cupboard are a Hussain painting.

xxx

The greatest of us all need reassurance. All need praise.
So scared.. so scared of falling of.. that they hold on to.. hold on to.. purse strings.
Yes, purse strings.
The richer.. the more miserly.

Disclamer- Don't infer that i am speaking about Ilaa.

Today I gave a mock CAT exam organised by my tutorial class. It was an all india exam. My center was the Don Bosco school in Matunga East.

Some guy in a rainbow striped shirt was sitting behind me.
He made unnecessary conversation.
I don't know how he looks. I didn't turn back long enough.. and it was not a face to remember.

So he adds me on FB.
"Hi Malavika.
Do you remember me from Sim Cat 1 (oh my god) in the morning?
I was sitting behind you."

Freak.
So what if i remember you?

How did he find me?
How does he know my name.
We had to sign on an attendance sheet. I signed before him and passed it behind to him.
That must be it.

Freak.
He got the spelling right.
Maybe its not that difficult to remember.

And he thinks its normal to msg me.
He actually thinks i will respond.. and that we will be great friends and maybe even name our son bharat.

Yuck.
I hate ugly men.

xxx

I could not resist checking out his profile.
He says that "I am not a freindly person."

Ofcourse.

His activities comprise "I dance well."

Ok.
I can say a lot more evil things. But i will not.
Someone probably thinks im stupid.
And atleast he doesn't.

But i still hate him. Let me state that on the record.

When will i look beautiful again?

Why do i care about what people think? Its a question of social psychology.

Maybe,
maybe in this game that we are playing.. u get points for what people think of u.
Admiration equals points.
Than you can proceed to the next level.

The irony is that we invented the game ourselves.

But we don't know it.

We are muddled.. by pinnocchio noise.

Why are we here?
What is the purpose of a chimpanzee on this planet?
Self-actualization?
To follow his dreams.
To salvage Chimpanzee-kind.
To be happy.

Or just to mate and die.

He followed me again.
With the same line.

Is he a stoner?

xxx

And the one time love of my life did not ignore me.
He msgd back.
Good.
I haven't read the msg, or replied.
Not so soon.
And he must think i am so stupid..
That i am crushing on him like all his students and his fan club.
But didn't i want him to know that which is why i showed overt relentless interest.

After some days i will reply.
And he may/may not.. after months.
And we will run out of stupid perfunctory conversation.. and its not hollywood so the story will end there.
We will not run away together in the moonlight.

I have stopped going to work as i felt that i was ignoring my studies, but i wonder if i am just lazy.
Laziness is one of my biggest fears because it entails being left behind..

If u go to see, this is "The Life" that im leading right now. Early retirement. I should enjoy it. I like to study and learn things. I love taking in a lot of information, passively. BBut what am i going to do about all of it.

Learning is fun and easy. Its application thats tough and consuming.
But i shall not be lazy or lax.

xxx

Yesterday I was walking to a talk on Darwin and Evolution when I heard someone talking to me.
A few steps.
Oh yes, definately to me, or would he have said.. "Bahut patli ho gayi ho. Khati nahi ho?"

I turned.
There is this disgusting beggar, or servant, drunk or stoned, looking like he has just woken up from napping on the beach in a haystack.
At high tide.

Stoned.. with white ink.. like the others on the beach. Maybe.

How dare he.. how dare he pass judgement.. how dare he speak to me.
I could cry.
He thought i was his equal.
Fuck you, don't expect me to be humanistic right now.

This is why i hate people.
This is why power is a commonly sought after oasis.
Power.. to control people.. and what they say and do around u.
Power to shut up.. to control.. to play god.

How could he speak to me?
Yes, we are all disciples of Manu.

Anyway I told him to get lost.. in a voice loud enough to make passerbys stop.
He took it to be an invitation to chat, like some long lost friend.
And then he's like "Gussa aa gaya. Please thapad do na. Please ek baar thapad do. Pleeeeeeeeease."

"Are you angry? Then slap me. Please slap me, just once," said the scrouge, smiling.
Fucking shit.

"Kachre ko koi haath lagata hai kya, ki main tumhe haath laga oon gi."

" Like does anyone touch garbage? That u think i would touch u," I responded, obviously influenced by the garbage bins i was standing next to.

But he kept on saying please.
And i finally just walked off.. and he followed me for a bit.. but then i entered a shop.. and finally stopped looking at him so i don't know whether he followed me further on.

Thats stupid.. i acted like a bloody ostrich. Mumbai Mirror would have u believe such incidents are dangerous.

Why bother? I won'tknow when something bad is going to happen.

My mother said it was because i wore a spagetti top.
Everything is my fault obviously.
xxx

I want to be.. what i was atleast.
I am not past my prime, I will show her.

xxx

Marriage.
I feel i will just be rejected anyway.
Like my mother said that if i were to go for an audition now i would be rejected because i am thin.
And i know it.
Its the truth.

But only my arms are thin and i can't do a thing about it. I can't direct the mass in my body. Everything always goes to the legs. Its in the family.

So.. but trust me, i will be even better than what i ever was. Because its just a game isn't it.. and we are used to trying to get to the next level. Unless we give in to gravity.

Oh my god.. this cannot be happening.. There was this guy in school who was distinguished by the amount of oil he put in his thick, ebon, perfectly parted amd combed hair.
Now he calls himself John Indisoul Doe.
Yeah.
Im not saying anything... We're all as silly as each other.
But..

And anyway.. what was i in school?
Yes, what!
That is the question.

I have begun watching a new tv series called "Mad Men." So far its been great. Its set in an American advertising firm in the sixties. Interesting right?
You should catch it..

Mad men is a term that denoted top shot ad guys who's offices were set in Madison Avenue.
It was a term coined by they, themselves.
So says the pilot episode.

I should get a life, I know.. but how to? Where should i wander? I think i would have been quite happy as a mendicant.. a baul or something.. just seeing things.
Like, it is religious.. life would be beautiful and always new.
These Brahmins had fun you know.. wandering about.. exploring new lands and women.
Fathers would willing give their couch, food and daughters to travelling Brahmins.
So says The great Indian novel by Shashi Tharoor.

I am a waste, aren't I. I'll come to nothing. But atleast im happy with my books and tv shows.
Im happy.. on my own.. in my controlled environment. Thats why I like villages.. they r small and controlled.
Thats why s'pore is a model city.. small and controlled.. like one man.. not mobs.

How exciting for a hot Brahmin to unexpectedly land up in your house.
xxx

so was love invented to sell things? Or is it true?
Please tell me.. coz I think i have not found it because it isn't there!
And u all.. lovers.. r just playing pretend..
You know they say the best lie is the one everyone knows.. and pretends doesn't exist.
Now which movie did i see that in.
xxx

I have put on weight.. it feels good..ish.
But my life is going away in my house.
And can u imagine.. my mother said i am past my prime. That a girl only looks good btw ages 20-23.
so till jan i looked prime.

xxx

So they easiest way to ensure i win at something is to say im not good at it.. it sounds proudy(ya its an indian english word).
But its brilliant.. it becomes my purpose for living..
like the advertised BMW becomes yours.
They give us a reason to live.. because really there is nothing.. and i know u know.