See I've begun working..
thus I have less time to be bored..
thus I write less..


I am going to be staying IN Sentosa.. its decided.
Like how totally cool is that.. and at the Amara Spa and Resort..
Nice..
Then Orchard Street.. to be closer to home..
The shopping malls..
not my home.. but that of several others..

I don't care too much for shopping.. I think its all a scam..
But I love bargain shopping.. and I don't mind spending more on a really good fit..
But not in the middle shopping.. its a scam..
But it employs people.. so I don't begrudge it.

xxx

Where is my life?
Where is my love interest? I mean come on.. people are the most widely used source of entertainment and passing time.. and I am being denied this banality.

What is dal chawal for one.. is bloody.. ambrosia for me.. I mean first of all you are nothing great.. and still u elude me.. how dare u..

When I have u.. u can bet I will tire of u.. but how can u elude me..
Like we could have some nice moments..

Nahh.. I just want u because u are my hope.. the unknown.. that seems very exciting till it gets known.. and boring..

Its better this way.. I can concentrate on my studies.
Ya..

xxx

I should specify.. you is nobody real.. you is nobody.. I still put my ex dance instructor in you's character.. but thats it.. its nobody real.

This is the elusion im referring to.

xxx

And I spoke like the wolf.. who couldn't get the grapes..
The world is the wolf...
All bloody sour-pusses..
Filling their own ears with lies..

Friends are those treasured individuals who make themselves believe our rancid lies.
So sweet.

I am hot.. and you are phat.
BFF Baby.

I've become so dark walking on the sunny beach.

I stopped going to the temple. I could not wake up so early. I could.. but at the expense of feeling sleepy the rest of the day.

We were doing the bookings for our Singapore visit yesterday. It will be fun! I even went shopping for vacation clothes.. shorts etc..

I won't be able to wear a bikini will I?

I am trying..

I will.. I will..
I have to leave home next yr in order to study as it is.

People say mean things. It hurts. But what can I do.
I can look good.. but it is proving difficult to put on weight.
I know I will do it.. only it will take some time.

I must look really ill right. Yucky.

But I will be fine!

I always feel like eating.. im always nibbling on something.. I feel like a fat fuck.

The moment the scale goes up.. I stop gorging.. right now I need to gorge..
The weight went down again.

xxx

Don't I want to look good. Everyone tells me that "You had such a good body.. now you look like a skeleton."
What power is there in a skeleton.. if I want bhau, I need a decent visage. I am just acting stupid.

xxx

Read Ghalib and Faiz today... They r lovely, rnt they?
My first time.

xxx

Am I one of those strange loner geeks who sit alone in their rooms in their own strange worlds..
Friendless... probably because they have social adjustment problems.

And strange to the world.. unputdownable..

I am the "strange geek"!
How sad is that!

Strange geeks want friends.. but I suppose they are so strange that they don't end up making any.
Atleast I am not so strange that I think im a graphic novel hero or something.. like some strange geeks.

I just.. have never really had friends..
And I have never really understood.
So I have come to the conclusion that I am unlikeable.

And now I am in the process of being friendly.. because thats important.
So I am tryign to be a friend.. and to give.. not just expect.. and not to have my schizo persecution fears.

He/she is trying to harm me.. etc..
(I don't mean literally.. you will think im really schizoid.. just like avoid being defensive and all that)

I cannot blame anybody else for my insecurities and my problems.
He(runway coreographer ) was right in his way.
I have to take things or do something else.
I am doing something else.
Not because I could not take it.. because I was not getting any work.

And there was not that much money in it. It did not make sense.

I am disappointed that I am 23 and I have never had a office job.. thats the least of my failings. I have not done anything of note.
Now I don't even care about the noteworthy. I just need a career.
I have nothing.. half of a diploma.. and im sitting at home.
I feel like such a waste.. so unworthy.
I go for my IMS classes and the rest ask me where I am working.
I don't work.
I am a waste.

I feel an obligation to work.
I am a very lazy person..who just sits at home.
I am disgusted with myself.
I study.. maybe I should start working in my uncle's office. But I also have a lot of math to do.. I can try it out for a bit.
I applied for summer internships.. but have gotten no reply as yet.

The rest of my batch is going for job placements.

Am I never going to do anything?

And what will I do something and achieve..
I guess all I want is a house and work to pass my time.
A nice house though.. nice means big windows and a good view.

All I want is that.

I don't know if I will ever meet people my age.
I don't really have friends.
Where shall I meet them?

I should have made some friends to hang out with in college. I don't know how that didn't happen.

Yesterday I did not go with my friends to Shiro.. and I felt very guilty.
Why did I avoid going and meeting people my age.. it was a little more complex than just that.. but still.
Also I did not feel like getting ready... because they told me of the plan so late int he evening. And I had been out the entire day.
I don't know which of the above are the excuses.. and which the reasons.
I am not ashamed of myself.
I think I don't yet know how bad I look.
I think I will go out and people will still smile at me.. like before.
Nothing will change..
I won't know till I go will I?
But it does not scare me.

I mean am I so thin that I look sick.. people say..
I have put on weight ever since I decided to.. 1 more kg.

Why didn't I go.. even my dad didn't allow.. but I could have forced him.
I will never meet people my age.
I will sit alone.. at home or if god wills it in my house with the big windows.
And.. read..
And meet my cousins.
I don't mind it actually.. it sounds good.. but in my own house.. where it is quiet.

I met my "model" friends today. It was very nice.

My love Lekha, bought me flowers and Mango ice-cream from Natural's.
My other nice friend bought me gossip.
And she did not eat.
Sorority sister.
My old sorority.... of eating disorder posers. Omega Omega Omega. The end of all of us.
Because fat coreographers told us, even though we weigh 50 kgs.. that our bodies are fucked up. I am quoting.

She does not eat anything.. except for apples.

My friends lover is sleeping with the designer who is seeing the rich jeweller from the capital. No, he is not sleeping with the male coreographer.

Who in fact induced a young girl my age to sleep with him, and his two friends, all at once. His best friends.

"Y tu mama tambien" was all about how two best friends cannot face each other after they co-participate in a threesome. And look at these guys. Best friends.
One of them has even slept with two of this best female friends.. who themselves are best friends.. and seeing people seriously.
And they even live in the same apartment.. as him and his wife.

And sometimes 2 couples in the same room.. on different beds.

And sometimes.. my friends new husband.. with .. with a famous designer. Another famous designer.Her new husband.

Why does it make me sad?

All of it.

Sweat and sticky-ness.

Does it remind me that we are all savages... and that I cannot trust anyone. Because in him he has the capacity to behave like a savage. Who will even eat you up. Who will destroy you in the cruelest manner.

Because of the sheer pleasure of destruction.
Destruction is pleasurable.
We all innately know it.. but ignore it.. as it would upset the order of society.
But its real.. and I get scared.

I have started eating more than necessary.
That which is necessary for my current condition.
I have to.
I want to look good. So I have to overeat.
xxx

Its that time of the year again. Femina Miss India. I don't feel much. Maybe I will get jealous of the winner. But I have more to do. What would happen even if I had won. I would have had a fake sense of improving my social standing, nothing more. Why do I want fake admiration? Why am I so obsessed with my status in the world. Why is someone else's perception of me my only measure of reality?

But is that not what is reality?
Other's perception of you... so to be real.. I must mould the perception of the other.

I think i just desire attention and love.. in some form.
Yuck it sounds so sappy.
But its kinda true.
I want love from the other.
I am trying to make myself worthy of that love.

I am always trying to fit in.
But I feel like an outsider. I feel rejected.
So to avoid that I reject.

I seek community. I seek friends.
Instead what I have is a blog and maths problems.

Lovely, lovely math.
You fill my time. Give me the fake sense of doing something.
What does the busiest person even do anyway.
Work as useful as me solving math problems.
Or a Baul walking all day.

Anything to occupy one's time.
Do, see, feel, die.
Bas.
Nothing more.

Love?
Need.. but we do not know why exactly.
But important somehow.

Sex.
Need.
But we don't know why exactly.
But we think about them too much.
Why?
We don't know.

xxx

I really like PG.
Devoted on the other hand is a little too zealous in his godly adorations for my liking.
Don't tut me, I am just part of a generation raised on a surfeit of choice. I have personalised, specialised tastes. My lustful conjectures must be placed in the right historical context.

xxx

The farmhouse itself was fine. Smallish, not done up well or anything but there was a river right outside the back garden and chickoo trees. I like sitting in gardens and not doing anything. Just looking at things. Just being able to listen to meek sounds, otherwise ignored.

Two of the girls are looking for husbands as the jyotisht said that this is their marriageable time frame. Even if they were 31 and the wise jyotisht would say "Don't marry" they would not marry.

They all eat well, and look it. However at the same time they still want to look slim in the pictures that they shoot to put up on Facebook. Clothes are changed for the pictures on Facebook. Sometimes photoshop is also used. Shots and reshots till the Face-booker looks perfect. And slim. And pretty.

A picture is a picture. It is not you. It is not forever. It is not reality. It is a moment.

Adherents might say it is personal brand management (on FB). Important for network development in society.

But who are you trying to convince? Then again everyone is convinced.
Everyone is living in FB and reality is posed pictures.

xxx

They were mortally scared of men drinking and playing cards while listening to hindi film music on the other bank of the river. They were looking at us. Well we were different for them. Something new. Even we came to their home to see something new. The river, the trees.

They made me sit inside the house. In a room. When I was on a farm.
I told them we can sit inside when they start crossing the river (coming toward us). Why now?

No, now. They were getting irritated with this foolish girl.

The men finished their game of cards and left.

We were going to stay an extra night but we also left. The reason being lack of safety. But I think that was just the ruse. You do what you feel like, detached from logical reasoning. Unless you are doing things for someone else.

Oh my God Oh my God....
Guess what..
Prasad Giver is gay!!!!

I saw him with his.. on a date!

And he's got such a good physique!!

But I suppose this makes it more interesting right?
He IS the Yang. So...

Went for our local church's Good Friday procession yesterday evening with my two grand-aunts. I suppose Im as bored as a housewife. Religion is entertainment and social activity in the life of a housewife. Otherwise all you have to do is cook and clean.

They take a procession of dead Jesus (lying down) and Mother Mary, around the Christian locality in Juhu. Devotees wait by the roadside at pre-determined points where the procession stops and they are allowed to blessedly pass from under the wooden bier carrying the idols. While ringing around the roses one must offer flowers to the idol. Although due to the speed with which the transaction is carried out, one tends to throw them at the idol. Sometimes all your flowers get disposed with Jesus.. ao you steal some back from him for the Mary idol, or round two. Yes, round two.. the idol goes from the church and we pass under it.. then it comes back and we pass under it from the other side.
Pocket full of posies.

As you can imagine, the scenario provides several opportunities for men to grope. Which they did to me when I was young. After which I stopped going.
Black Friday it was to me.

Its been so many years. Earlier all the housewives used to come. Now its just their mum in laws. They have found the gym.

I shouted at the men. "Dhaka mat do" even before the game began. I was prepared to beat up. I am a Rane after all. My grand-father just broke the rear view mirror of the police van because it was parked outside our gate some days ago.. and he's got arthritis.

xxx

First they covered the streets in green leaves.
"Are these any special leaves? Do they have some relevance?" I asked the leaf thrower.

"They are Karianth(Marathi)," looks at me again,
"From your garden only we got them. Rane House.. in the back."

Oh.

My garden?

Someone from the church:"Hi, Rane right. Did you know that your great great grandfather donated this statue of Jesus to the church."

"Your grandfather I tell my aunts," who nod proudly.

"And their silver cross," they inform.

Quite secular weren't we. I like that.

I was the bloody landlord.
But mind you, we were secular.

They lived lives of great luxury. In Japanese gardens.
Then someone in the family tree blew up all the money on gambling and film actresses.
Before killing himself with a self engineered car bomb.
sorry.. those outside the family must know it to be an accident.

xxx

I am going to a friend's farmhouse in nearby Karjat for the night.
See you.

I actually stitched Indian clothes to wear to the temple in the morning. Its just more respectful. No the truth is that I want to fit in.
The old aunty also told me to wear Indian and when I actually started wearing Indian she got very happy. She gave me a lot of compliments and even kisses.

xxx

I met PG on the road in the evening. He had bought a whole bunch of cupcakes(from the ISKCON bakery I think.. yes they have a bakery.. which is pretty good even.. They have to keep up with changing tastes.. Globalisation.)

"Here take some"

"Thanks"

"Not just one, take a few more"

"Thanks a lot"

xxx

At home.
"Who wants cup cakes."

"Me" + "Me"

"OK.. let me rephrase that.. who wants 1 cupcake. One is mine"

"Ok we'll share. Where did you get it from?"

When I gave them that information, my aunt exclaimed "Please stop going to Hare Krishna from tomorrow. They are trying to get you to join them."

"No, he really is just my friend. He doesn't even care whether I join or not."

"We had a friend who was appeased and she even ended up marrying the guy and going to the ISKCON center in America with him.
Anil, she's got six kids.. can you imagine!"

"Nice"

"What nice? You are not going from tomorrow"

"He's just my friend"

"And the flowers and the rudraksh"

"All from different people. There is no agenda"

xxx

I am amazed by the number of good looking men in one temple. I don't know where to look.
It is truly fascinating, and quite obviously, enjoyable, morning morning.

Devoted.. "IS".. very.. The gods are his friends.

xxx

What I don't understand is shoving to pass your hand over the holy lamp.
I mean.. you are praying on the one hand.. and then you shove.
Religion and prayer have nothing to do with decency and good behavior. I mean what does religion have to do with being a better person anyway. You can be one with the help of religion.. but only if you "see" and choose too.
Else you shove.
Like irrational lesser beings. No one the people who have desirable things to pass on look on at the rest of the world in contempt.
Look at how the rest of the world shoves.
They seem like a different species.
Like chimpanzees.
Close, but not quite.
Cute at time.. but apes. Ugly, licey apes.

xxx

So yesterday when I was at the beach this uncle who looks like a bank clerk.. of the unimportant variety.. says "I was seeing you everyday walking on the beach."

Ya, bold aren't we.

How.. I am amazed that he had the nerve to speak to me. And what did he hope to achieve. Humans hope a lot.. but so much?

xxx

Some other guy is like, "Hi, Malavika.. do you remember me?"

"No"

"I see you on the beach everyday. I have always seen you around juhu."

"Ok"

"So how's it going"

"Normal"

I turn.

"Bye, see you around."

xxx

Am I approachable?
And what is this thing with older men?

xxx

I hate people who assume that business managers are not "passionate individuals."
Its the only way these unsuccessful pseudointellectuals can get back at people who are earning much more than them.

And when you tell them so much they say, "Hey sorry for trying to help you!"

Help me?

Help yourself.

If you are in your mid-thirties and say that "Can we split a bill of Rs. 300"

Mid-thirties.

Help yourself. If not financially, in good manners.

Just went for "Manto Ismat Hazir Hai," a play, directed by Naseeruddin Shah. I like him. He's got integrity.
Then dinner at Mahesh Lunch Home. Don't like the food there, but I ate well.