I went and washed the vessels she hadn't. The difficult ones.. milk boiler, dog's food utensil..
I laid the table.
She told my brother to hang the washing. She told him to do it.
If she would have told me, I would have done the dishes.. I would have done the washing.
You cannot say I am bad without even giving me a chance. I don't like people saying I am bad.. when the work is so simple. It took me 10 min.. and all those tears.. they were useless.. they took up more time.
If she would have told me to do it I would have done it.
She told me that she was amazed that i did not realize!

Ok.
She cannot be bad and i good.. because we are the same.. all human beings.. as good or bad.
But.. I don't like to be called bad.. when it was a thing i can do.

The servant has not come today. My mother hit me on the head screaming "I am amazed that you did not think of washing the dishes when the maid is not there. I work so hard.."

I did not think of it. I did not realize. I am a scatterbrain. I am a bad person. I am not my cousin Smriti, who washes all her clothes herself in Bangalore. I am just a lazy person who is watching Grey's Anatomy.

I didn't realise. I don't mind doing the dishes. I went to do the dishes and she snatched the scrub from me and told me to go. She wouldn't let me do it. "I have stopped expecting anything from you a long time back."

But, ok I am a bad daughter. But I just didn't realise. I am scared of her.. scared of doing anything.
I am bad.. but I want to do it. She will not let me do it. I feel guilty. I feel like a slob. I don't know what to do. I am scared of coming out of my room when she is in the house.
I am scared of noise.

I am bad.. I know.. how culd I not realize.. but it happened.. and now.. i mean i can wash them.. but i can't.
And i am not good like my brother and my cousin, who has done so much.
Its not good enough to want to do things.
I soooooooooo want to do things. But i never will..
I just need to go away. I feel like a burden on everybody.

Are you alone?
Do you feel lonely, too?

The problem is.. where do I go in this world when whereever I go.. I will be alone. I will still have no one to talk to. Say why I am sad, why I am happy. I can only cry to myself.

I sound like this cliched depressed writer.. its pathetic.
Its pathetic writing.
But I am sad.
I have no one to complain to.
No one takes my side.. just to get over it you know. Sometimes its nice if someone still says that you are a good person.

I only have fiction.
So I am throwing myself into it.
I am scared that someone will shout at me for being lazy.
I am useless... but.. I am going to be studying this year.. that is te plan.
They made me leave college. Do you know how hard it is to leave studying.. when you are doing it after years.. and then have to train yourself to go back to it.. even though you are not going to be a journalist.
I did not intend to be lazy.
I want job.. I want a home.

But I will still have no one to talk to.

I had a good time in Singapore.
The hotel I was staying at in Sentosa, the "Amara Resort" was very fancy.. nice. We had peacocks even.

I stopped counting calories for the first time in years.

I eat till I am full. I eat with people on the table. I am not throwing away food.

I want to look good. I want some power back.
I want to be wanted.. if not loved.. atleast desired.

If the fruit seller is asking my mother what happened.. if th tailor is telling me to put on weight.. if the proprieter of "Tejas Stationary Shop" is telling me.
Why do these strangers say?

Should I feel special?
Or am I simply a disaster story.. Human beings use their skill of language to talk to other human beings about disaster stories..
Its great for social interaction and passing away the time that constitutes our lives.

xxx

I see pictures on FB, of people my age.. at parties.. that I was once invited to.
Where am I?
How come im alone?
Did I make myself unlikable?

Where is my party?
Do I want to go to the party?
Frankly speaking rnt parties boring.. like what do we do anyway.. pretend to have fun.
Frankly speaking we go to stimulate our sense of touch.. within the boundaries of what is socially sanctioned. It comes down to that. We go to mate..
We pretend otherwise..
good music.. ya right..
to chill out..
sure.. to touch.. to touch.. to touch.
I know.. u know.. we don't talk about it.. we delibrately close our eyes.
We are a race of liars.

Why am i being negative?
Don't worry.. u won't be a duster.
I am just a jealous person.
Bad tempered.
Who thinks life is going to be a movie..

He did not reply to my msg..
can u imagine?

If he did.. it would be perfunctory..
it would end with that..
what do i expect?
a movie?
life does not have a screenplay writer who is satiating his pains
who is fulfilling his fantasies.

There r just all of us selfish people..
wanting to be loved..
no sorry
wanting attention..
like the kind we had in childhood
when we were new.. and cute..
yet unspoilt by time
clean

you cannot stay new all the time.
who will value us then..
old blue jeans are comfy enough..
but u don't care if u rip them
or if they get lost.

"I loved them.. they were so comfy.. but they were so old.. give them to Shanti's son."

"Are u mad? They r too old to give to anybody. We can cut them up and use them as dusters."

Good idea.

We become dusters..
before we become dust.

You know.. u need to have people hit on u when u go on vacation..
so what's it going to be like.
Nothing!
No-one!
What the hell!

I try.. but.. its a deep hole...

My first thought was, "Does she not know that the neck of her t-shirt is hanging dangerously low? Does she not know that someone can look in?"
I was looking in,
Across the poker table
Into the black benetton v-neck tee of my cousin sister.

Either she did not notice, being busy collecting the poker coins(not familiar with card terminology)
Or she just felt like feeling sexy.

Our younger cousin brother had a good look.. as he co-ordinated his movements across the poker table so that he could stand directly opposite her.

He's not good looking.
Simple.
This was amazing for him.
Where would he get such an opportunity.
Not at his college..
And my female cousin looks very good, even.
Family,
Is important.

His eyes were leashed.
It is only natural.
We are curious.
"What is in the box, say?
What is in your top?
My friends talk like they know.
I should know too."
He went at it like it was a math equation.
Only im sure he hates math.

This, is not math.

Calculation, my dears, is, not only math.
Calculation, hahaha, is a lovely invention, that we use to pretend that there is a purpose to life.
It helps us to justify that decision making is a significant and neccesary activity.

When it doesn't matter either way does it?

xxx

I had gone with family to a farmhouse in Khandala for the day. The architecture and landscaping of the house was amazing.
The house was wedged into a slope, integrating the natural contour of the land into its body.
The garden had strange and fascination trees.
We plucked sweet guavas.

There were the most amazing knick-knacks.
Boxes that looked like show pieces.

I like the hidden.
What you do not know is exciting.
You can imagine.
Our minds are the most exciting things.

xxx

I played with the kids. They are more interesting than:
eating,
movie stars,
eating movie stars
and poker(since I don't know how to play it).

We went exploring.
The garden.. then other bungalows.

Saying wow is fun.
Saying wow out loud.
Describing wow to a real live person, feels good.
Usually I describe my wows to myself, in my head, in the absence of a real live person.

xxx

We expect a partner to give us all the attention we got when we were still cute and children.
Childrens.
People say that.

We want to be loved all the time, and we want attention all the time.
Partnership serves those needs. We call them love, compatibility, spiritual bonding, and what-ever is "In" in our decade.
But we want attention.
Who will give it.
Him.
Why?
He thinks its the way.
And for sex.

And he has not touched a girl.

We give attention, in courting season.

The world is filled with meanos.
And liars.
We need someone to be nice.
Tell us the truth.
And lie, for a good purpose.

So that we can be fine and happy.

Like when we were kids and our parents said "My darling!"
And relatives said, "So cute! Let me hold!"

They confuse us in teenage-hood man.
And we never recover or regain our knowledge of the basic concepts of reality.

xxx

And I thought once again.
Why do they make not swings,
for people my size,
they make only swings,
which are so wide.

Wider behinds.
But my mind, my mind
Is what is wide.
So where is my swing?
Where is my slide?

Poker, is a poor substitute.
Along with other, sad adult passtimes.
xxx

A mad man does not think he is behaving normally.
He knows.
But he thinks he will be able to justify it.

After that.. his sanity is largely dependant on luck.
He can go on to be a supported politician.. or a lowly outcaste.
He can become a superstar.. or a favourite neighbourhood story topic .

I knew this was going to happen sometime.
Its a logical conclusion.

Today morning there was a car parked outside our gate.. again.
My grand-father went at it with the bamboo stick, as is in this nature.
He went at it long... and he went at it hard.

What's new?

Police!
Chal re.. not even that is new.. they have been here about the car beating issue before.. and their own van was victim once.
Fearless Dadu.

So then?
Case is filed.

My grand-father is suddenly unwell..
I committed.. but I will not go to the judge.

Then who is left to go?
My poor father.

You cannot do something wrong and expect someone else to bear the brunt of it..
What am I saying.. everyone does it all the time..
Its only very blatant in this situation.

Its unfair. I feel bad for my father.
I love my father.. he is a "to himself" man. We must not bother him with the dirty world and fights.

See it had to happen.
When you smash cars so hard and so bad.
And you don't belong to some gang.

xxx

By the way,
Why were we so happy when we were children?
We were happy weren't we?

We woke up.. were woken up.. ate without thinking.
Attended school without thinking.. met friends.. played.. [passed a huge chunk of the day easily.
Did not think about how we looked.

Slept in peace.

We did not think so much.
We followed the majority.. co-operated.. and had fun.

So I think as an adult.. I can be happy if I.. just fill my time.. have a family.. and don't think so much about eating and money and how im looking.

If I can just enjoy playing, if I can just enjoy the garden.. food.. friends, family. I can be happy.

A simple life. I don't need to shine with India.

My brother almost started crying yesterday when I told him I feel fat.
He was afraid i'd start losing weight again and land up in the hospital.
I have been so selfish all this while.. I have been hurting the only people who love me so much.

He said that he does not care whether I put on weight or not.. but he just wants me to eat.. all meals.. normally.
He said that he just wants me to be happy.

I am blessed to have the family that I do.
And the vermin that I am.. I still complain.
It's absolutely revolting.

xxx

There is so much to do around here.. going for a science lecture by Tata Institute of Fundamental Research scientists.. and later for a heritage walk.

So how come I could not win a title in my year at Femina Miss India(just occurred this year)
It seems so easy.. so straightforward.. what did I do wrong?
Like its an ego thing.

There were just better people.

Oh hello hello..
by the way..
I can wear a bikini!!!

Hell I'll even buy a new one there.

I ate.. and I have put on 2kgs.
I had to be scared into it.
"Put on weight or take the high calorie, undoubtedly effective MASS GAINING protein shake."

Not that!
I will end up looking totally humungous.
So I ate.

And I should be happy.. I guess it does look better.. but my legs look humungous.
I should have put on weight on my arms.. but it always goes to the legs..
Its not loose flesh though.. thats a concession.

I am upset actually.. because I did not even eat that much. I still eat very little.. and all it took was a few morsels more of food and I bloated up. How come url eat and don't gain weight?
Why can I not be like url?
Why this weird metabolism?

Anyway.. my parents are happy.. I will get more freedom.. it looks nicer.. people will get at me less..
So its all good.
but I can't possibly put on any more weight.

xxx

Did I mention.. I started working. I like work. I like to be occupied. In life, I wish for work, so much of, that keeps me through the day. Because I don't want to think.. to day dream. And I have no personal life.

I wonder why nobody can love me. Like a guy.
I wonder why I can't eat like url.

We have some things.. and don't have others.

xxx

I don't know if this should be a cause of concern but I cannot make myself party. I don't feel like dressing up. I don't know if I am avoiding extra calories. I don't know.
Again I didn't go for my friends birthday.
Maybe I just need the right company.

And then I fear that I will never meet anyone my age.

Should I not be getting married or something.. im 23.
I never knew, when I was young, that I would grow up to be a spinster.
But its a great possibility.

Its just that, people.. a husband.. kids... help you pass your day.. fill ur time.. and ward away some boredom. Which is good.
Life is strange.. all we want to do is get done with time.
What did Einstein think of life?

xxx

I will be less rude and more sensitive to people.

xxx

My father was so worried. He was feeling frustrated.. that he has done so much and still no result. He's much happier now. How could I have been so selfish.

xxx

I started eating lunch. Just eating.. because it is lunch time.. and not thinking about whether I should eat or not.. about how hungry I was.
And if this weight is a result of that.. so be it. People eat lunch.

Not coffee and sweets.

Maybe one day I will also eat dinner.

I hope I will stop gaining this weight at some point. It can't just go on indefinitely can it. It scares me.

xxx

I should not care. I should not care. It does not matter. Anyway no one loves me. Not even when I tried to be perfect.
It really does not matter.
I will just not think of food.