No SCMHRD

Im going to start looking out for a job.
No point being sad or taking it personally.

Giving the CET today.
Don't think i'll get in.. I told you about my bad streak.

And work is good. I shall earn. It will probably be better than studying.
Then I can do a 1 yr mba after 2 yrs.
Or go abroad if I cannot manage to get in anywhere here.

xxx

I should also reflect on why I did not get in.
I need to be less vulnerable in my PI.. my GD was good.

I guess I did not have work ex. And I don't know if panels are negatively biased towards my background. Although I don't think they should be.. I hope not atleast because that is something that I cannot do anything about except hide. And I don't want to hide it.
Because it was tough.. and its all i've done. Hiding it will only make me look emptier than I already do.

xx

I know people with work ex who got in.. aa well as freshers.

What explanation could there be for the freshers getting in?
They must have really good scores and must be academically brilliant.

xxx

This one guy who was in my group during the GD.. got into a symbiosis college. After consoling me with the perfunctary 'You have better things in store for you' he asked me how he looked with the student group-coordinator who was in charge of our group for the GD.

In the sense he liked her.. and now that he'd gotten into the esteemed college he will try for her.

In every situation people seem to seek love. And some people seem to be quite open about it. The romantics.. they must be open about it. And the ones with high self esteem.. who believe that they have a chance.

xxx

Well.. I hope he finds love.. and success.

xxx

Meanwhile your pseudo romantic (moi.. I hate it when people say moi.. its so... pseudo cool.. I will not say wannabe)

Yes, your pseudo romantic

Why your?

Right sorry.

The pseudo romantic.. i.e. me.. is again not in love since she is getting requisite attention.

Is that really why? Or do I know that there is nothing. And do I know that actually we are quite different and I was just making myself like someone because I also want someone good looking to tell me nice things about myself.

xxx

Do you think I will get into Bajaj?
No
I am jinxed.
I predict that I will not get into Bajaj.

Then I shall write a best selling novella published by the Times of India on daily predictions, gemology, colour-o-logy, etc

Feeling Hazaar Fucked.

Indra nooyi is from IIM
Naina Kidwai Harvard (bloody hell)

Malavika Rane jobless.

No logical concurrance.
Is there hope?

Yes ofcourse.
Im being dramatic.

I may just be one of those enterprising MBA degree less but successful businessmen
Who knows?

xxx

By the way im having a funny feeling that I left something I was supposed to be really good at doing.
Fuck.
That can't be it.
Go away strange thought.

I missed the NM cut off by a mere 2 marks by the way.
This time NM allowed the candidates to give the exam to a maximum of 3 times after which they would take the best of the 3 scores.
I gave it only once.. being over confident.

Bad mistake.

I would have easily gotten it had I given it again. I know where I wasted time.
And 2 marks. Come on.

If everyone was allowed to give it only once I guess I would have gotten in. But the cut off got pushed up because many people gave the exam thrice.

I did not take that into account.

Bad planning.

For a wannabe future manager especially.

My behavior patterns remain the same.

Im checking the list again.. hoping that I made some sort of mistake last time.. and wishing that I am actually on the merit list.. and that I had just failed to notice or something.I did this list checking thing for SP Jain too.

But what has happened has happened. It is beyond my control to change.

I always thought that once I made the marks cut off, I would be fine.
But obviously its not fine.
I don't have as enchanting a personality as I like to think.

In Femina also, I thought that I would win them over.. but I didn't.
So I must do something about presenting myself better. They (SIBM website) asked us to take the failure positively.
So next time around I will be more confident and knowledgeable.

But I am scared. If they did not like me this time, why will they like me the next time around.
I remember going year after year for the Lakme fashion week auditions.. and getting rejected.. not even getting shortlisted. So I cannot help but make a connection and assume that I wont get in next time as well. That it will just be a waste of time.

I left modelling because I did not see myself making it.

I don't know if I can do this whole thing again. But everyone does.
People get called to several IIM's and get rejected by all.
And I am still not clear about what they want.

xxx

I always begin to stutter when I shouldn't.
I did it during my ques/ans round in Femina. I did it in my ques/ans round in SIBM.
I don't know why it happens.
I did not think I was the nervous type.

xxx

Im back to a state of floating around miserably. With nothing.
But I shall get my job and it shall be fine.
Maybe one day i'll get into ISB or something. And do a one yr MBA.
Maybe that's whats fated.
Thats why I didnt get in.

xxx

I was fine. Then I heard from people who did get in.
My peers.
I did know im the jealous competitive type.
Im happy for them.
They have impressive personalities.
But the problem is that even I thought I had an impressive personality... or something.
But I guess I don't.
I must have come across as limited. And ignorant.
Which I think I am not.. although that is relative.
So I should have 'sold' myself better.
I didn't sell myself well in Femina also.

And see..
I want to do marketing.
No wonder they didn't take me. :-)

xxx

So basically my problem is that people whom I know have gotten in.
Which means I feel insecure and like i've lost or something.
But i'll throw this feeling away.

I cannot believe that I have to do this all over again. But maybe i'll get into a better place. Although I don't know how that is going to be possible.. how will I study well when I am working.

Maybe i'll take an easy option.. because i'll have to.

Maybe i'll actually get into a one year programme.

xxx

Its seems that Malavika is going to start small. And work it up from there.
Work it up she will.

Thats just it.

Maybe its written in my fate that I am supposed to do my MBA in the US.
Ya, to get my NY city job.
Yes I guess thats it :-)

Did not get into SIBM.
Noteven on the waiting list.
Surprisingly im not sad. Maybe things happen for the best.
I may work if I dont get in anywhere.
Alas what a waste of a year.

But what can I do about it anyway.
See how tough it is to do an MBA, even with good scores.

If nothing else I can work for a couple of years and then do an executive mba or a one yr course. Thats also not too bad.

xxx

I dont care so much for money.
I dont spend so much.
I wanted success.. i'll work my way up.
Im really quick at picking up things.. i'll tell you that.
And I have great belief that i'll make it.. so i'll start off anywhere.. at the very bottom. But I shall start.

Its all for the best.
Somehow.
I'll know later.

My imagination is too vivid.

Sometimes i'll just daydream..
Happy dreams.. about that ideal situation.. person.. event..
A circumstance so lovely and yet so improbabale.. so irrational.. so wholly fictional and impossible.. 'as impossible as meeting Brad Pitt' as I like to say.
I know that I am completely making it up.. it is in no way achievable.. and yet I continue to daydream it.. over and over again because it gives me pleasure..it makes me happy

I should not do that.. i should not daydream about the impossible event..
the more i daydream the more real it seems to me.
I forget that it is a daydream.. that it is impossible.. because by then it has become a part of my life.
And i even hope for it... like as if I am pinocchio..

Its a waste of time.. and its dangerous.

But my own life.. is so boring in the romantic dept.. that i feel forced to think of these things.
I fear that real life will never be as good as this.

xxx

Im going through a phase where I would prefer my other half to be from any sort of artistic background.
I dont know maybe actor, writer, journalist..
I am not willing to risk stability and the funny thing is that i want someone who has.. someone who has risked much more than me because he's a guy.
And knowing me I shall want someone moderately successful.

Thats not right.. what about the poor risk taker who didnt really make it. I emphatize with him.. but would i be with him?
I guess I wouldnt mind as long as he is good at his work.. I couldnt be with someone who is not good at what he is doing..
I dont mind if he's not making too much money.. because I can make money.
But he should not be living off me.. thats all..
He should have enough for himself atleast.

Im selfish about my money.. ive noticed.

So this guy can keep me connected to the world of words and images.. fiction and passion.. which I love.. but which I cannot make a part of my career.. not only because it may not be stable.. but because its not my thing.. liking books and movies does not make you good at making them.

Moreover I have no desire to.

I am fully prepared to deal with the event of not getting a call from any symbiosis university.

Its ok. All will not be lost. I still have my CET.

xxx

The kids sit quietly when Im telling them a story.

xxx

Our dance instructor is Canadian, female.
There is an Indian male who dances rather well in class.
I think instructor finds him attractive in a way. Her focus is mostly on him, granted that he dances well, but still. She's always smiling at and adressing him.. even when she walks around to correct our posture.. its him she finds reasons to touch.
He's south indian, dark, I think that adds to his appeal for her.

Now tuesday was bring a friend day.
Our tall dark indian male bought his 'special' friend along for class.
South indian, in a red churidar, with a red flower in her hair.
They matched each other visually.

Maybe im imagining but.. did it make her sad?
And when class ended, Indian male sang a song for his special friend in front of the whole class, in hindi.

xxx

No call from NM!

This one guy.. who I knew coz of modelling.. who used to fund the Fashion Weeks..got arrested. Coz he's a fixer.

Not hard to imagine though.

Whenever I would ask him what he did.. he'd just say 'lots of things'.
When I told him about the citizen's candidate movement that I was into.. he told me to stay far away from politics. Coz he knew how they were like.
He sure knew.

And when I told him that I was thinking of journalism or an mba he said that if I wanted to do medicine he could get me into medical college.
And thats what he was arrested for. Getting illegal certifications for setting up medical collges.

They say he alone accounts for 25% of all LV sales in India.
My LV bags.. were won at the fashion week.

I guess Dog Show guy reads my blog.

xxx

Now yest I took part in the Mumbai cyclothon. I was apprehensive.. finding excuses not to do it.. then I finally went for it.
Even though I got to know that i'd enrolled myself for the 28km race instead of the 15 km.

We are scared to do something new. We dont really want to do anything esp when we have to put in a lot of effort.. and arent even going to get anything.

I would have led a very boring life if I hadn't done things that I was afraid of doing. So do them. Take the risk. You will be glad you did.

xxx

They say that a successful entrepreneur takes risks.
Am I a risk taker?
I guess I am.. modelling needs guts.

I also take my risk with people. Im open.. I dont think about my ego.. im trusting.. the pay off is varied company.

xxx

Yesterday I didnt try to win the race. I just wanted to enjoy cycling. So it was good. It felt good.
I took my time.

I guess it was also because I knew that there was no chance of winning. I had rented the bike and wasnt comfortable with it. Too short and the gears were clanky. If you arent comfortable with geared bikes they can actually hamper you instead of helping you.

xxx

Chaggan Bhujpal organised it. He cycles.

xxx

I went to Gallops for a wedding reception in the night. My mother gets so excited at the prospect of making me meet young Sindhi guys. Really!
However while we're talking about her let me state that it is my mother who kept on pushing me to go for the cyclothon. Sometimes her nagging is good.

Anyway.. no one interesting... romantically.
But otherwise maybe.. let me narrate.

So this uncle.. kept on finding excuses to put his arm around me and rub my back. In the space of bare skin created by the area between the hem of the blouse and the border of the sari. I had made sure than it wasnt a large area.
Still.
Since its absolutely sanctionable to put your arm around nieces.

And my mother made me meet some guy from Pune who I spoke to. So in the end he asked "Hey. Why don't you give me your number!". Thats ok.
Then there was this other young guy who I hadn't spoken to.. but who smiled at me twice.
After seeing him he asks "Hey. Why don't you give me your number!"

I pretended like I hadnt seen him and turned around.

It was the first sentence he spoke to me that evening.

xxx

There was this cute kid. They make kids so cute that I feel like I want them. As it is I enjoy myself tremendously with them. They have interesting things to say and do. It makes my time spent with them interesting.

But nothing is so perfect. Im sure that they can be mean to you and listen to their father instead of you.. and grow up and not feel like talking to you anymore.

But when they are good.. they come to weddings in tiny black suits, wearing tiny black 'Crocs' and a badge of their dear friend 'Just Hippo.. who hasnt got a name'

Aww!

People who you thought were quite normal sometimes suddenly start acting really wierd.
Like constantly messaging you on BBM, even when you don't reply.
Keeping on asking you to meet them.. for the derby.. near your place..
And when that doesn't work, asking you "Do you have a dog, because then we can go for the dog show at radio club."

Seriously.. the types god introduces into my life. He wants me to become a blogger.

One of the (few) girls from the Symbiosis interviews added me on FB. She's put another girls picture as her display pic and her photo album consists of pictures of only this girl. I suspect she's a Telegu actress.

But.. why do people not put up their own pictures? I guess they do not like any pictures of theirs.
Even I do not know which pic of mine to put up.. so i don't change my DP.
Even i am so scared.

I'd gone out with only guys.. and they were talking about women. And one guy was from abroad and he was like he wanted to meet beautiful Indian women on this trip, etc
So im thinking.. do they find me beautiful?
Its a wierd place to be in right?

I don't know.. am I not attractive anymore. Coz earlier lots of people would find me attractive. I could see it on their faces.
What ya!

Today I went to school after so many days, since I was in Pune for admission, etc.
I entered the building and began speaking to the NGO head.
Shahid spotted me and came up running and held my hand..
'Misss'
and remained standing with me till I finished.

It was so wonderful.
I know I should not hold his hand. There are 44 children. So I told him 'Hi. Accha now go and sit.'

But in my heart.. head (whatever) I loved him.

Ok.. so i'll explain my current position in life.

Now HE's back. I only msgd HIM.
See.. why have an ego?
Then he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends.
I could not go as I had a class.
Mind you.. if I really wanted to go I could go. But I was sorta tired and I had not blow dried my hair and.. ya basically I did not like the way my hair was falling. So I did not go.
And suddenly I felt ok. I felt like its not like he doesnt want to meet me because im not attractive. Yes!!!

So this means.. that im not like crazy into him. (Told you)
Because I didnt go.

Then again, many days later, I only messaged.. why not.. BB kis liye laya??
I mean not for him.. but to be connected to my social network right?
Like BBM is basically for people who are too shy to sms other people. BBMing people you dont know really well is socially acceptable. Thats why it sells.

Anyway.. so I only msgd him.
In my defense he's a serious working type..who might have been too much into his work and all.. so why not. (And he was like really busy with a seminar)
He asked me to come out with his friends for dinner.
With friends.
We've never actually gone out alone.
I don't know why.
But.. that would be like a date. Thats why. And he musn't be interested in a relationship/fling/romance. So why go on a date? Instead, hanging out is better.

Its fine by me. Im not in love. I just like attention.. I guess you would say I have low self esteem. So say what you want!

Ya, I feel insecure.

But its fine. We go out. I don't even know if I want something more. This is so comfortable. We're free, still we have company.
There is nothing physical.
Anyway ive decided to become a prude. These guys will anyway leave the likes of me for an arranged match. So im going to be this touch me not. Like im not some hobby you take up (with) for some time.
Im pain and commitment.

So we're friends. Which is fine.. comfortable.
Its funny the more time you spend with a person, the more attractive you tend to find them. I mean those persons you're not instantly attracted to.
Im good now. Seriously.
I will focus on my career.

But I felt like i share a space where i feel very comfortable. And I get attached. Too soon. Like some child.
But I know i'll be ok anyhow.

xxx

By the way any guy who wants to get a chick can just do this. Play hot and cold. Women feel very insecure.

Please love me SIBM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just got done with GD/PI)
What an amazing campus! I felt like I was abroad.
Great architecture.

Everything was fine except when the interviewer asked me to draw graphs pertaining to economics from way back in coll in 2007.
I got confused.. but I tried. I think I made a big mess of it.
And im usually so good with my oratory but I was stuttering.

Still I hope they liked me. Im different. I hope that they could see that. And that they could see that im bright.

I know.. obviously everyone who got a call for the interview is bright.
Shit.

I am sure the new rules of virtual etiquette do not require me to accept ugly guys from school as my friends.

(God please do not punish me for that)

Arre, most of my kids don't have a bath before coming to school!

I understand that the toilets are terrible but I wish their parents would instill the habit.
They may get skin ailments and discolourations.

Why don't they want to be clean??

Did not even manage to get a call for a GD from SP Jain.
They must have not liked my profile, wanting people with work experience or something.

But they had a profile list for that.. must be the same people with a few additions.

I come from a different background. They think that I will not be at the same level as the rest of the class.

Its sad. But its a bad streak thats been going for me.
I don't know where i'll get in.

Not NM. I won't get a call. Im not even sure of SIBM now with my bad streak.
I don't rationally believe in bad streaks.. but irrationally i do feel that they occur.

Everything is going absolutely badly.
I suppose i will get in somewhere with cet.
And my parents said that i have to do it from anywhere.
And thats the best thing.. because why should i get in next yr?
Ive already done well in cat and im not getting admission anywhere.
Why will i get in next yr?

Oh shit.. this is bad.

Everyone is seeing someone or getting married.
And i am being ignored.
Its not a worthy complaint.

xxx

I find myself checking my phone expectantly everytime i receive an sms. I imagine myself getting one, and then its like my fears will be unwarranted, and ill be fine and happy.

xxx

See dear friends, see how its about my fears and not him.
(objective Malu)

Reflect on your own longing.

My friend is getting married while I have to face apathy.
Thats an unfair statement because I may have many things that she may not.
And vice versa.
But the fact that im dwelling on this news means that it means something to me.

Im not saying I want to get married.
If I get married, it will be lovely. Until I know its lovely, i'll wait.

I should not think that something is the matter with me.
Like I hope not anyway.

I know I will be fine.
Marriage is not perfect either.

See the thing is, as it is I don't get any sort of relationship with anyone, even if i want to.
I don't know why, but its how its always been.

And its fine. But it just feels like being the odd one out.
Will it be like everyone will get married and i'll be the old unmarried friend who comes alone to parties.

Not that she is unhappy. And not that her friends are happier.
But she's just the odd one out.

xxx

But why does he suddenly not want to meet me?
Did I do something?
I did who I was.

I can't message him. Remember how i think of those who keep on messaging me even though i deliberately never reply.

Im those people to him probably.
Suddenly.
Or maybe since a while, and i just failed to notice.

xxx

The last to last time I was fascinated with someone, he got married, and i wasn't even invited.
Im sure 'present he' will also get married. I heard he was engaged once, and i will here about it from friends.
And i will say 'Oh really, I didn't know that'

Friend-'He didn't tell you?'

'No, we're not in touch.'

'But I thought you were friends.'

'No.. I mean not off late.'

xxx