My behavior patterns remain the same.

Im checking the list again.. hoping that I made some sort of mistake last time.. and wishing that I am actually on the merit list.. and that I had just failed to notice or something.I did this list checking thing for SP Jain too.

But what has happened has happened. It is beyond my control to change.

I always thought that once I made the marks cut off, I would be fine.
But obviously its not fine.
I don't have as enchanting a personality as I like to think.

In Femina also, I thought that I would win them over.. but I didn't.
So I must do something about presenting myself better. They (SIBM website) asked us to take the failure positively.
So next time around I will be more confident and knowledgeable.

But I am scared. If they did not like me this time, why will they like me the next time around.
I remember going year after year for the Lakme fashion week auditions.. and getting rejected.. not even getting shortlisted. So I cannot help but make a connection and assume that I wont get in next time as well. That it will just be a waste of time.

I left modelling because I did not see myself making it.

I don't know if I can do this whole thing again. But everyone does.
People get called to several IIM's and get rejected by all.
And I am still not clear about what they want.

xxx

I always begin to stutter when I shouldn't.
I did it during my ques/ans round in Femina. I did it in my ques/ans round in SIBM.
I don't know why it happens.
I did not think I was the nervous type.

xxx

Im back to a state of floating around miserably. With nothing.
But I shall get my job and it shall be fine.
Maybe one day i'll get into ISB or something. And do a one yr MBA.
Maybe that's whats fated.
Thats why I didnt get in.

xxx

I was fine. Then I heard from people who did get in.
My peers.
I did know im the jealous competitive type.
Im happy for them.
They have impressive personalities.
But the problem is that even I thought I had an impressive personality... or something.
But I guess I don't.
I must have come across as limited. And ignorant.
Which I think I am not.. although that is relative.
So I should have 'sold' myself better.
I didn't sell myself well in Femina also.

And see..
I want to do marketing.
No wonder they didn't take me. :-)

xxx

So basically my problem is that people whom I know have gotten in.
Which means I feel insecure and like i've lost or something.
But i'll throw this feeling away.

I cannot believe that I have to do this all over again. But maybe i'll get into a better place. Although I don't know how that is going to be possible.. how will I study well when I am working.

Maybe i'll take an easy option.. because i'll have to.

Maybe i'll actually get into a one year programme.

xxx

Its seems that Malavika is going to start small. And work it up from there.
Work it up she will.

Thats just it.

Maybe its written in my fate that I am supposed to do my MBA in the US.
Ya, to get my NY city job.
Yes I guess thats it :-)