I got discharged today. Its been EXACTLY 4 weeks. It did me good.. I needed the hospitalisation. I feel more normal now. I think I eat more normal food. But I am still so scared of putting on weight. I am scared that it will all spiral out of control.. that I will put on too much weight.. and not have anything envious or special. I know that only I think this is anything envious or special. Its not. Its ugly.. I am sure.

So I am not allowed to get out of my house at all... except when I go for counseling to the psychologist's clinic.

I am to have a nurse, Maria, who has dealt with several cases such as mine. She is to monitor me constantly. I cannot cheat. I will definitely put on weight... my parents are going to force me to eat fattening things.

I am just making this hard for myself... I should just be enjoying this. Eating good food. But then I won't be good anymore. I'll be average.. I'll have what everyone else has.. not anything special.

Its a weird way of thinking.. I even know that.. but its a weird place im in.

Security on the 9th floor, my floor, at the hospital is this intimidating lady guard. "Im getting discharged today. Im going home," I tell her. "But why?" she says. "Because people need to leave the hospital," to go to homes... of several kinds.
"Its feels odd. I don't want you to go. You must come and visit me when you come to meet your doctor at the OPD."
"Of course."

My brother drew a card that I gave to the staff. The staff if really good.. young, friendly and good looking. Most of the nurses were Keralite. The house-keeping and janitors were mostly Maharashtrians. This is why we have rental space for SS and MNS.

I will miss them.

I am not even allowed to go for a movie with my parents or out for lunch.. as yet.
Its what it is.
Its what it is...