I have forgotten how to eat.
I don't want to look ugly.. as I do..
But I don't know how to eat. I just can't..

But I don't want to look ugly. I am sure people comment on my breadth when they chance upon me.. I can feel it.

I used to look good.
But I have always been scared of myself.
At he moment, I am actually quite comfortable with my body.. but apparently its not comforting to look at. Its not right.. again.

Everyone else looks so hot.. so fit.. and im like this joke..

xxx

Im going for a surprise b'day party.. of a friend who has a daughter my age.. other couple..
My twenty something friends don't really meet me.. so why fret..
Anything is exciting if u look at it in wonder..

I make my life more exciting by pretending that im reading the story in a book.. it suddenly becomes exotic and interesting..

xxx

The temple visit is one of the highlights of my day.
I get to meet people.
I get some attention from men.
Even the ones who are viewed as unfriendly.
He was friendly to me. He's attractive.. but is he not married.
He's quite high up in the temple hierarchy.. were those his kids?
He's sexist.. he stopped women prostrating.. do u know that the women are not allowed to prostrate at ISKCON. The special privilege is preserved for men only.
Ya, im so sad.

Making people beg for things that are empty.. except for their ban. And that is what gives them value.

That is the world.

We are a people used to completing things. We need full stops. The end's.
Blanks irritate us.

So when u cannot do this.. there is a blank.
Why can u not do it.. what is it really..
u need to do it..
NO

Now u really need to do it.. there is a space.. until u do it the space .. irritates.. it must be done..

Our brains are like that.. so we don't even want it actually.. but the gap is just irritating us..

The lack of control.. irritates us..
The lack of choice..
So we want to do it..

xxx

Like bursting bubble wrap.. why why why???

Like the rule of 3.. up, down,up.

xxx

He.. the good looker from the beach..
He's enlisted those guys who practice stunts on the beach to teach them to him.
Good idea.

Him and his father.
They look at me..
must wonder why I lost weight..

He can do crazy somersaults now..

The stunt guys have started classes.. they have many students now..
And they r fit.. and who wouldn't wan tot learn how to do crazy somersaults..

I would.. but I won't be allowed..

I've climbed mountains..