Freudian machinery

I cannot understand some things.. like my feelings towards my parents.. and my feelings towards sex.

Not related.

Why do I hate them.. why is it common for human beings to hate their parents. Is it because they are the most visible, thus obvious targets for personal frustrations.
Like we are frustrated by our own failings and we transfer the pain to another object. The object that most easily comes into view. Default target?
Then its really wrong.

I mean, they do so much for me and still I hate them.. why?

One reason could be that I have always been greatly embarrassed about not having money. I have lied about it.. made excuses for it.. the lack of it.. have always felt shameful.
As early as when I was a child.. I would lie about my position. I was concerned with position as I realized that position buys attention and niceness.. so why not lie about it. I didn't even look great.. was not popular.. so why would people be nice to me.

People my age never really liked me when I was young.. I was not very animated I guess. I was not used to people.. I had grown up alone among adults in my bungalow with no interaction with kids my age.. I was not.. animated.

So why would they find me fun? And I had strange ideas.. I read books.. I knew things.. I didn't speak unfactually..

I was an outsider.. I was concerned with power..
Why was I an outsider.. what still makes me one?

A lack of ability to make friends?

A lack of people approaching me to be friends.

Coming back to.. money.. which ashamed me.

xxx

I have never understood why my mother always embarrassed me in public.
You know when you are making someone uncomfortable.
She knew.
But maybe she believed that the act HAD TO BE committed.. the act of embarrassment.. since it served a purpose higher than the embarassee's situational pain.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt.. maybe she thought that the embarrassment was 'necessary' in those situations.
But the pain..
emptied.. that whats it felt like.. scooped out my viscera.
And as a result I hated her.

It did not help that she is not the nice/ sensitive or the motherly type. Its not her personality.

I hated her and I hated my father for liking her.

I hate her relatives also.. i've noticed.. because they are HER relatives.

I was jealous of sharing my father's affections with her..
Freud
So did I hate her because I was jealous.. Oedipus complex.. or did I hate her.. validly.. and was also jealous.
Reason or factors?

And now I hate my father also.. not hate him.. but am disappointed by him.. because he is not a man of action.. and he does not give me attention anymore.

He stopped giving me attention or giving attention at home ever since he started photography. He found himself!

Individualism has no space for others.

xxx

I hate him because he forgot me. I found several reasons to support my hate. He was the nice one.. the one who stopped the screaming.

My mother scratched.
And screamed.

xxx

Is my present love of kids a way of fitting in now.. when its easy.. since I could not fit in with them then. They like me now.. I am popular with them now.. but I was laughed at then.
Its a thought.

xxx

Many thinkers have felt this alienation.. some obviously because they were Jews in Nazi Germany.
That is quite different.

But could it be because they too had strange ideas that people..sensed on some level.. and could not digest.

I am not saying I am great like them.
(Anyway.. what is greatness? Its a mirage.)

I just have some different, against the tide thoughts.