I don't think I did too well for my IIFT entrance exam last sunday.
I don't think I took the exam seriously enough because I had heard that it was easier than the CAT and i've already done the CAT - so I thought that this would be ok, since that was ok.

But it wasn't.
It wasn't easier and the format was entirely different, which took time in getting used to, time that could have been better spent answering more questions. Also I did not find out what the sectional cut offs were, or how many questions I should ideally be attempting, so I did not have any strategy. Strategy is often the most important element in these papers.

The exam also had a GK section and I really have no GK. I rarely read newspapers..
Can you imagine that they had a question asking us which states come under National Highway 7 and 5. What rubbish.

I want and hope to get into a better college so I didn't take this seriously. But this is a top B school and the only ones better than it are the IIM's and XLRI. If anything I had a chance to get in here.. one level lower and I even screwed that up, I think. Now i'll have to settle for something worse.

I may even get through, who knows, if everyone else somehow did worse than me.

I went for the party on my own yesterday and im glad I did.
I met people.. passed my time without worrying about how to pass my time.
Going out is a good thing.
You have something to look forward to the entire week, and then something to think about the next week.

But I was thinking.. what if ur married.. do u still look forward to going out. Is is still exciting.. you are bound to each other and to a social code of behaviour.
I suppose there are merits and demerits.
Merits are, as my parents often remind me, that you will not be lonely in old age and with other married friends.

My parents had gone for a holiday to Uttarakhand. We were in Delhi already, and my father always feels that it is prudent to take advantage of the distance one has anyway travelled in order to explore. Last time when there was a wedding in Baroda, my father drove the family up to Rajhastan. My father loves travelling, especially when it involves a road trip.

They are coming back today. I don't mean to sound mean, but its been quite peaceful here without them, my mother particularly I guess.
Why was it peaceful?
No one to tell you what to do, less noise. A true democracy of equals.

Yesterday my maids extra spruced up the house.. for arrival of the leaders.

xxx

I did not go for the holiday becausen I have an entrance exam to give tomorrow. But I could have gone, considering that I did not even study. What a waste!

xxx

Remember the messaging guy, (refer to 23rd Nov).

After all forums of messages remained unanswered, he smsed again, twice.
Asking whether I was awake.

I wasn't. And anyway no answer.

Then telling me that he wanted to ask me something.

I think its a trick.
What could he possibly want to ask me that he can't ask any of the people who reply to his messages.
Or google and wikipedia.

Really.

So I think its a trick.

He will either ask me something stupid or berate me. Maybe he's even read this blog.

So why should I answer.
And he's making me feel guilty, and immature.
But he should get it.

See I feel like im being unreasonable with him, but what is the point of meeting him when I get irritable.

I could try not getting irritible, but i fear that is beyond my control. Something sub-conscious.

What should I do?

Nusrat, from my Senior KG class has decided that she wants to marry Amit, another student.
Amit is probably the best looking kid-male.

Meanwhile Vivek and Pratiksha are in a relationship.

I don't know why I am finding this so fascinating. As if I did not know which guy was attractive or not when I was young. I don't remember how old I could have been.. but I was young, and I knew.
So why wouldn't any other kid know.
We forget how we felt and then we get surprised.

We forget because these feelings are allowed for little kids and then prohibited for little older kids, often by accompanying emotions of shame and ridicule, in India atleast.

So we forget that kids can feel these things.

Kids also find fairer people more beautiful. I've noticed. Maybe its social conditioning.. already working to full capacity.. or maybe its something innate.. im not one to know.
But I do know that they like fairer people better.. when they are young.

And some smart people analyse things so much.. I don't even know how they got to what they are talking about.. and how that unrelated thing was hidden in the object of discussion.
I feel that things are very simple.. they mostly just are what they are.

Zadie Smith (writer/columnist) thinks that my generation is preoccupied with being liked. That the utmost desire of people from my generation is to be liked by others and that is reflected in our behaviour on FB.

Its sounds euraka-ey, but tell me, doesn't everyone want to be liked. Didn't my fathers generation care about being liked.. about being socially successful. Im not sure if there is anything so unique to it. What do u think?

We project ourselves more than any other generation, because we have the tools to, but I think everyone has always waanted to be liked. Why then were those ancient figures of history books so obsessed with immortality and the like.
They wanted to be remembered.. in a good way.
Paintings and obituaries have always been flattering.

Yes!! My kids are finally beginning to get afraid of me!

They listen and take me seriously.
Yeah!

Its 5 a.m. Im not rising early.. im not getting any sleep.

I'll tell you what my problem is.
I partied for 2 and a half nights in a row, half denoting half a session.. and it made me recall how much fun it is.
Im like really nostalgic right now.. I loved partying.. I waited expectantly for each Fri night.. it kept me going through the week. Its like there was something to look forward to.
I loved it. I want it. I feel like its my solution.

Maybe im romanticising it. True, it did get a little boring towards the end.. but I think thats because the group broke up.
I liked to go partying with a set of my female friends.. and I don't think it was as much fun when I went with others.

And now I don't hang out with them anymore.. so I just want.. and don't do.
Maybe I could just call them.. but what can I even say.. "Lets party," like they'd probably think im strange or sumin. But its not a bad shot.. what do I have to lose. We could all have fun.

xxx

I know it now.. i've just been miserable because i've not partied. I liked to dress up, go out, meet people. Its my element. I felt taller partying than I ever did on the ramp. On the ramp I had my place.. junior model.
While partying all is equal..

xxx

Anyway, I don't know when I will go out next. I hope I can convince someone to come out on my bday in Jan.
Yes Jan.. well u give me a solution.

There is a friend's bday on Sunday. I didn't even think of going becaue I didn't know who to go with.. an I would feel rather odd if I went alone.

So.. you know what I did.. I asked one of those old girl friends whether she was going. She may think its strange of me. But we were good friends right..
We could both be friends again.. she might also have fun..
Or she may not want to be friends.. and then its ok.. but one must try to get what one wants.

xxx

I also don't remember how we stopped being friends. But I miss it.. those were fun times.

You need work.. and you need to party.

I hope in my MBA collge there are like hard core party people who are my friends.

Hope.
xxx

And to make things worse im listening to music.. after ages.. i'd stopped listening to english music because I didn't want to waste time.
I said.
Maybe I didn't want to be happy.

But now I did.. and its making me sad.. because its putting desire in my heart.. desire for things not easily attainable..

I know partying itself promises mirages. You are expectant but nothing ever happens. You won't magically find love or happiness like the songs that are playing in the background promise. But you can look good, get compliments, flirt, dance and feel good about yourself.
And that if anything, is as good if not better.
Because even love has a shelf life.
But,
Partying is forever. :-)

I'd gone to Delhi for my cousin brother's wedding. Surprisingly I had a lot of fun. I had forgotten how happy a journey to another place can make you.
Especially a journey where you meet a lot of people, especially of the young attractive kind.

My wedded cousin's sister was married last year. There were more or less the same people at the wedding. Yet last time I got bored.

This time I mixed. I interacted, went to have fun.. and actually had fun.. effortlessly.
People even liked me.. a lot.. much to my surprise and pleasure. I don't mean to sound wierdly immodest but its the truth. They really did.

I suppose I am charming.

xxx

My life will be wonderful. I feel like if u give me something.. I will make something.. I just need to be where the material is.

I will work. I will travel. I will meet people.

xxx

All my relatives are so smart.. from IIM's, Jamnalal Bajaj, IIT's, MIT's, an aunt who's an ambassador to Belgium, and then nothing (as yet) me.
I won't match up unless I get into a great college.
I know I don't need to.. but it would be nice to, wouldn't it.
I do hope we share some of the intelligence governing genes.

I have different forums for saying different things.
There are many things I can't FB about.. but I can blog about them.. because I don't think many people whom I know personally read my blog.

I don't use Twitter because I can't bother opening another website.. and micro blogging is unsatisfying. I am a rambler.

So basically.. if u sms me, asking me to meet up and I don't reply..

and then u sms me again asking me whether I didn't want to meet, and I still don't reply..

and then u message me again on FB informing me that u have messaged me and wondering whether "I am ok"

It is truly funny.. but congratulations.. u have infallible self esteem.
Ofcourse I must not be ok.

xxx

And we've done this before..
You smsing.. me not replying.. then u messaging me on FB asking me whether I have gotten ur sms.
And me even telling u that I have.
"So?" u said.
To which I did not reply.
xxx

Maybe I did send out mixed signals.. about wanting to be ur friend..
I was confused.
I was wondering whether I was being too hard on you because I do hate men who like me and stupidly think that I like them back.
So I thought maybe i'd be objective and try and like u like a friend.
But I can't.. I find myself arguing with u and u don't even notice my crabbiness.

I decided not to be friends.. I don't want to be friends.. even though I don't have many friends.

I tried being friends only because I was wondering whether im socially autistic.
But screw that.

xxx

See u don't tell a girl that u've both been flirting with each other unless ur Hugh Jackman-hot. Women don't like that. Women flirt. Period. They get their way. They don't like you. And they never will if u stupidly tell that.

First my mother keeps on telling me that I don't have friends.
So then yesterday when an old aunt from Manhanttan asked me "So how many friends do you have?"

I said "One-two."

Since that is how many my mother tells me I have. So.. she was sitting there.. so I said what she believes.
It sounds strange but its like I have some close.. or more known friends.. know lots of people.. but don't go out socially or have a group I hang out with so in essence I have 1/2 friends.. which is what I said.

And then my mother shouted at me for being tactless and embarassing. But what.. im supposed to lie.

My father said I should be diplomatic..
It did not even occur to me to be diplomatic.. I thought they'd counter my claim.. like they do at home.

xxx

Not that im angry with my parents or don't like them. We all have issues with people and we can write about anyone if we have to.. so im just writing about how i feel.. because it works for my mood and everything.

I suppose if I had friends I would be more excited about life and everything.
Or maybe i wouldn't.
Maybe i am just a negetive person.
Who knows?

I can't study anymore, I just get really bored.

My parents tell me that I can't get married for the next 5 years, now that i've decided to do my MBA.. because I have to pay back the loan.
They must be afraid that i'll tire of it or that something will happen to me again so i won't finish my course and everyone will be in trouble.

So I can't get married for 5 years and I can "have to" decide whether I want kids or a career.
I don't know what is wrong with everyone. I thought everyone manages both. But my family(old aunts included) believes that women either have kids or work.
I think that this notion is ridiculous.

They are like who will take care of the kids, you cannot work for atleast 5 years, maids cannot bring up your child, why do you want to work, get married if u find a good proposal.

You are old.

xxx

As if I can place my bets on marriage. What if I don't find anyone. What will I do in the house, house-wifing.
"Enjoy," they say... "Go to the spa."

"Right. I will be so bored that I will end up having numerous affairs with younger men," I tell them.

xxx

"So then I won't have kids."

"Then as if anyone will get married to you. Men get married because they want kids. Or for love.. but anyway you don't have a boyfriend."

"So I won't get married then."

"Then you will be lonely and old and bored."

xxx

I can't rely on marriage. There is no guarantee of it happenning. I can't imagine a life just taking care of the house and going for, I don't know, stupid classes and joining stupid clubs where I can discuss topics like living room interiors or underground art because I really have nothing better to do.

I just want work. Atleast I won't go mad. I just want work.

xxx

And anyway.. how do u people even meet people to go around with?

Its like url are a type. Even if url break up.. don't sweat it.. because url will go out with someone soon enough, because u always have, and u are that type.

I am the other type. Who has never been in a relationship.. and thus mostly never will, because we never have, and that is our type.

When I was younger, I used to think that this situation will magically change.. but how can it.. its not logical. The probability that it won't is quite high.

xxx

Can u imagine that I put on weight just during Diwali time. The more you eat, the more you eat.

Too many sweets, I might have said, but it doesn't look good for me to say it, what with my past.

Im giving my friends chocolate chip cookies for Diwali. I don't think I have ever given anyone anything before on Diwali, but im trying to be a better person/friend.

I don't feel like studying anymore.

I've forgotten how to be excited. I think about the future and I wonder what im going to see or feel that will be much different from what ive already encountered. Its much the same. In the end ur only left with a memory, memories don't feel real, memories just feel the same.

Or childhood memories seem better, and we yearn to go back, and advertisers cash in on that. They know. They know.
That we want to go back, not forward. Thats why I like marketing.
Yes.

They know everything, not the mores, the real truth that makes you buy things, that even you don't know.

Things are good, not because they make u happy, but because your want and desire atleast gives you some purpose.
Otherwise there is nothing.