I have started eating more than necessary.
That which is necessary for my current condition.
I have to.
I want to look good. So I have to overeat.
xxx

Its that time of the year again. Femina Miss India. I don't feel much. Maybe I will get jealous of the winner. But I have more to do. What would happen even if I had won. I would have had a fake sense of improving my social standing, nothing more. Why do I want fake admiration? Why am I so obsessed with my status in the world. Why is someone else's perception of me my only measure of reality?

But is that not what is reality?
Other's perception of you... so to be real.. I must mould the perception of the other.

I think i just desire attention and love.. in some form.
Yuck it sounds so sappy.
But its kinda true.
I want love from the other.
I am trying to make myself worthy of that love.

I am always trying to fit in.
But I feel like an outsider. I feel rejected.
So to avoid that I reject.

I seek community. I seek friends.
Instead what I have is a blog and maths problems.

Lovely, lovely math.
You fill my time. Give me the fake sense of doing something.
What does the busiest person even do anyway.
Work as useful as me solving math problems.
Or a Baul walking all day.

Anything to occupy one's time.
Do, see, feel, die.
Bas.
Nothing more.

Love?
Need.. but we do not know why exactly.
But important somehow.

Sex.
Need.
But we don't know why exactly.
But we think about them too much.
Why?
We don't know.

xxx