I cannot blame anybody else for my insecurities and my problems.
He(runway coreographer ) was right in his way.
I have to take things or do something else.
I am doing something else.
Not because I could not take it.. because I was not getting any work.

And there was not that much money in it. It did not make sense.

I am disappointed that I am 23 and I have never had a office job.. thats the least of my failings. I have not done anything of note.
Now I don't even care about the noteworthy. I just need a career.
I have nothing.. half of a diploma.. and im sitting at home.
I feel like such a waste.. so unworthy.
I go for my IMS classes and the rest ask me where I am working.
I don't work.
I am a waste.

I feel an obligation to work.
I am a very lazy person..who just sits at home.
I am disgusted with myself.
I study.. maybe I should start working in my uncle's office. But I also have a lot of math to do.. I can try it out for a bit.
I applied for summer internships.. but have gotten no reply as yet.

The rest of my batch is going for job placements.

Am I never going to do anything?

And what will I do something and achieve..
I guess all I want is a house and work to pass my time.
A nice house though.. nice means big windows and a good view.

All I want is that.

I don't know if I will ever meet people my age.
I don't really have friends.
Where shall I meet them?

I should have made some friends to hang out with in college. I don't know how that didn't happen.

Yesterday I did not go with my friends to Shiro.. and I felt very guilty.
Why did I avoid going and meeting people my age.. it was a little more complex than just that.. but still.
Also I did not feel like getting ready... because they told me of the plan so late int he evening. And I had been out the entire day.
I don't know which of the above are the excuses.. and which the reasons.
I am not ashamed of myself.
I think I don't yet know how bad I look.
I think I will go out and people will still smile at me.. like before.
Nothing will change..
I won't know till I go will I?
But it does not scare me.

I mean am I so thin that I look sick.. people say..
I have put on weight ever since I decided to.. 1 more kg.

Why didn't I go.. even my dad didn't allow.. but I could have forced him.
I will never meet people my age.
I will sit alone.. at home or if god wills it in my house with the big windows.
And.. read..
And meet my cousins.
I don't mind it actually.. it sounds good.. but in my own house.. where it is quiet.