See I've begun working..
thus I have less time to be bored..
thus I write less..


I am going to be staying IN Sentosa.. its decided.
Like how totally cool is that.. and at the Amara Spa and Resort..
Nice..
Then Orchard Street.. to be closer to home..
The shopping malls..
not my home.. but that of several others..

I don't care too much for shopping.. I think its all a scam..
But I love bargain shopping.. and I don't mind spending more on a really good fit..
But not in the middle shopping.. its a scam..
But it employs people.. so I don't begrudge it.

xxx

Where is my life?
Where is my love interest? I mean come on.. people are the most widely used source of entertainment and passing time.. and I am being denied this banality.

What is dal chawal for one.. is bloody.. ambrosia for me.. I mean first of all you are nothing great.. and still u elude me.. how dare u..

When I have u.. u can bet I will tire of u.. but how can u elude me..
Like we could have some nice moments..

Nahh.. I just want u because u are my hope.. the unknown.. that seems very exciting till it gets known.. and boring..

Its better this way.. I can concentrate on my studies.
Ya..

xxx

I should specify.. you is nobody real.. you is nobody.. I still put my ex dance instructor in you's character.. but thats it.. its nobody real.

This is the elusion im referring to.

xxx

And I spoke like the wolf.. who couldn't get the grapes..
The world is the wolf...
All bloody sour-pusses..
Filling their own ears with lies..

Friends are those treasured individuals who make themselves believe our rancid lies.
So sweet.

I am hot.. and you are phat.
BFF Baby.

I've become so dark walking on the sunny beach.

I stopped going to the temple. I could not wake up so early. I could.. but at the expense of feeling sleepy the rest of the day.

We were doing the bookings for our Singapore visit yesterday. It will be fun! I even went shopping for vacation clothes.. shorts etc..

I won't be able to wear a bikini will I?

I am trying..

I will.. I will..
I have to leave home next yr in order to study as it is.

People say mean things. It hurts. But what can I do.
I can look good.. but it is proving difficult to put on weight.
I know I will do it.. only it will take some time.

I must look really ill right. Yucky.

But I will be fine!

I always feel like eating.. im always nibbling on something.. I feel like a fat fuck.

The moment the scale goes up.. I stop gorging.. right now I need to gorge..
The weight went down again.

xxx

Don't I want to look good. Everyone tells me that "You had such a good body.. now you look like a skeleton."
What power is there in a skeleton.. if I want bhau, I need a decent visage. I am just acting stupid.

xxx

Read Ghalib and Faiz today... They r lovely, rnt they?
My first time.

xxx

Am I one of those strange loner geeks who sit alone in their rooms in their own strange worlds..
Friendless... probably because they have social adjustment problems.

And strange to the world.. unputdownable..

I am the "strange geek"!
How sad is that!

Strange geeks want friends.. but I suppose they are so strange that they don't end up making any.
Atleast I am not so strange that I think im a graphic novel hero or something.. like some strange geeks.

I just.. have never really had friends..
And I have never really understood.
So I have come to the conclusion that I am unlikeable.

And now I am in the process of being friendly.. because thats important.
So I am tryign to be a friend.. and to give.. not just expect.. and not to have my schizo persecution fears.

He/she is trying to harm me.. etc..
(I don't mean literally.. you will think im really schizoid.. just like avoid being defensive and all that)

I cannot blame anybody else for my insecurities and my problems.
He(runway coreographer ) was right in his way.
I have to take things or do something else.
I am doing something else.
Not because I could not take it.. because I was not getting any work.

And there was not that much money in it. It did not make sense.

I am disappointed that I am 23 and I have never had a office job.. thats the least of my failings. I have not done anything of note.
Now I don't even care about the noteworthy. I just need a career.
I have nothing.. half of a diploma.. and im sitting at home.
I feel like such a waste.. so unworthy.
I go for my IMS classes and the rest ask me where I am working.
I don't work.
I am a waste.

I feel an obligation to work.
I am a very lazy person..who just sits at home.
I am disgusted with myself.
I study.. maybe I should start working in my uncle's office. But I also have a lot of math to do.. I can try it out for a bit.
I applied for summer internships.. but have gotten no reply as yet.

The rest of my batch is going for job placements.

Am I never going to do anything?

And what will I do something and achieve..
I guess all I want is a house and work to pass my time.
A nice house though.. nice means big windows and a good view.

All I want is that.

I don't know if I will ever meet people my age.
I don't really have friends.
Where shall I meet them?

I should have made some friends to hang out with in college. I don't know how that didn't happen.

Yesterday I did not go with my friends to Shiro.. and I felt very guilty.
Why did I avoid going and meeting people my age.. it was a little more complex than just that.. but still.
Also I did not feel like getting ready... because they told me of the plan so late int he evening. And I had been out the entire day.
I don't know which of the above are the excuses.. and which the reasons.
I am not ashamed of myself.
I think I don't yet know how bad I look.
I think I will go out and people will still smile at me.. like before.
Nothing will change..
I won't know till I go will I?
But it does not scare me.

I mean am I so thin that I look sick.. people say..
I have put on weight ever since I decided to.. 1 more kg.

Why didn't I go.. even my dad didn't allow.. but I could have forced him.
I will never meet people my age.
I will sit alone.. at home or if god wills it in my house with the big windows.
And.. read..
And meet my cousins.
I don't mind it actually.. it sounds good.. but in my own house.. where it is quiet.

I met my "model" friends today. It was very nice.

My love Lekha, bought me flowers and Mango ice-cream from Natural's.
My other nice friend bought me gossip.
And she did not eat.
Sorority sister.
My old sorority.... of eating disorder posers. Omega Omega Omega. The end of all of us.
Because fat coreographers told us, even though we weigh 50 kgs.. that our bodies are fucked up. I am quoting.

She does not eat anything.. except for apples.

My friends lover is sleeping with the designer who is seeing the rich jeweller from the capital. No, he is not sleeping with the male coreographer.

Who in fact induced a young girl my age to sleep with him, and his two friends, all at once. His best friends.

"Y tu mama tambien" was all about how two best friends cannot face each other after they co-participate in a threesome. And look at these guys. Best friends.
One of them has even slept with two of this best female friends.. who themselves are best friends.. and seeing people seriously.
And they even live in the same apartment.. as him and his wife.

And sometimes 2 couples in the same room.. on different beds.

And sometimes.. my friends new husband.. with .. with a famous designer. Another famous designer.Her new husband.

Why does it make me sad?

All of it.

Sweat and sticky-ness.

Does it remind me that we are all savages... and that I cannot trust anyone. Because in him he has the capacity to behave like a savage. Who will even eat you up. Who will destroy you in the cruelest manner.

Because of the sheer pleasure of destruction.
Destruction is pleasurable.
We all innately know it.. but ignore it.. as it would upset the order of society.
But its real.. and I get scared.