I know which title i'd win...
Lowest Self Esteem.

I keep telling myself that id make an attempt to eat properly if someone loved me.. id do it for them.. id do it so that they would not stop loving me. But im not willing to do it for myself.

Can you imagine, all the while when I was wasting myself away to anorexia, I kept on telling myself that id stop when someone loved me. I'd stop when he would tell me to stop.

Its almost as if I was punishing myself. But punishing myself for what? For not being to find someone? For not being good enough for anyone. Probably that.

Punishing myself for not being good enough for somebody else. What a crime to commit for striving to be perfect Malavika.

Ive never believed that i hate myself.. yet how come im not willing to do something good for myself? How come im only willing to do what i must for somebody else?

xxx

I never wanted to lie to JAF. I told him everything. It was like here I am with my problems.. but please still like me. I wanted him to know everything because he'd have to..

I really don't know what he must have felt after knowing all of this. Was it too much for him to handle? Who wants problems?

And there were also other problems.

I must have absolutely scared him off.

xxx

I have a bad habit of talking too much. I come out with everything that's in my head.. and my head thinks a lot of profane things. I mean when he told me that its not going to work out I came out with a whole spiel about how im going to be single and thats why im working.. to buy my own house.. and how everyone else is going to be married and taking their kids to swimming lessons on sunday.

Yes I actually said all of that.

He would have won a marathon at that moment, im sure.

Oh God! What have you done Malavika!

Hahaha. Anyway since we're only friends.. we can have a laugh about it.

I hope we are friends. Because I want him to be my friend.