The benefits of having an anonymous blog are that you can write what you actually feel about things, like a friend's pregnancy.(I hope you don't mind the reference, dear friend)

So I am not going to say anything, here, except that a friend is pregnant, will have been pregnant, which is good, in the circumstances.

The thought of murder did not cross my mind at all. Abortion seemed to me to be the only logical course of action.

The father does not know and nor do 'his' grandparents(friend's parents).
In a tacit knowing agreement my friend and I have decided that the baby is a he. I suppose we've always been a bit partial to baby boys. Must be the whole Electra complex.

So I told her that there is no need to feel guilty, because all guilt is self imposed, and that she just had to do the logical thing. It was a mistake, thats it, whats the big deal?

I didnt feel anything about the child until she told me that she saw the baby in the ultrasound.
That was when I started imagining myself as the mother.

Imaginary me was very proud to be a mother, but she couldnt tell anyone coz she had to abort her baby.
Imaginary me felt lovely and beautiful, fragile and womanly.
Imaginary me felt like a working system, that could do its duty.
Imaginary me, is bloody chauvinistic.

I told my friend how, by default I would feel something for the dad just because I felt so lovely about the baby.

In this case daddy is not a boyfriend, and daddy need not be loved in confusion, I told mother not to be.

I told her about my fears of not being able to conceive myself and then having to face the apathy and disinterest of my partner. I think it is a fear for many women.

To conclude, the great thing is that my friend got to experience something wonderful, maybe its wrong to say this in the circumstances, but I really find the process so miraculous and lovely.
And my friend is lucky because she realised just 4 weeks down. So there is no need for a surgery and she just needs to take some pills that will eject the embryo.

Its very easy to say all of this, but im surprising myself by realising, what is this, that I would be very tempted to keep it. I would be very tempted to tell the father that he's a father, to hope to get married and keep it.

I did not realise this emotion untill this very moment. What is this Malavika?

Oh my God..
who am I?
I did not know this about myself.
I always used to think that I was too unfeeling for my own good.

Imaginary self was just supposed to have an abortion.
She does have an abortion! After all im not foolish. It depends on who the father is.
Im not so foolish so as to get married to just anybody. But for a moment in time you feel something for the partner.
And so what? its like an anesthesia induced halucination.

xxx
I suggested we name the baby. He has a name now.
He deserves a name.

This stats application is very addictive.
I have an idea for Facebook. They should have a stats-like application where every person can track and view his/her profile views.
It will make Facebook even more addictive. People will begin to get competitive about increasing their pageviews. This will lead to more time being spent on FB, more picture uploads, status msgs, comments, likes, etc. This is good for generating ad revenue.
Its hard to believe that FB hasnt thought of this as yet.. maybe they have some reasons for not implementing it.

xxx

Today I realised how protected a world I live in.
I was strolling about in Lokhandwala market today afternoon, window shopping. Actually gaping at all the horrendous clothes on the mannequins. They looked like something a gay character would wear in an insensitive Bollywood comedy. Red harem pants with a deep neck netty top and some horrid shoes.. don't ask.

Who buys all these clothes?
Lokhandwala is filled with wannabe actors and models. They think glamour equals shiny, tight and revealing clothes. They are also bought by dancers and 'party boys and girls' because that is what their clients expect them to wear, and what they like probably.

There are also normal ugly clothes, for student types, mostly. I should not generalize.

Because I passed a shop where something actually looked decent. So I stepped in to have a better look.
I saw a male model who i'd worked with earlier inside.
'Hi' I smiled, although he didnt look too happy to see me.

'Accha kuch nahi chahiye,' (Ok, I don't want anything) he told the salesman and stepped out hurridly.
I walked up to the counter and asked the same salesman to show me the top displayed on the window.
'Sure madam' he said, as he swept aside also the male thongs.

Thongs. Oh thats why he was embarrassed.
And what kinds of thongs.
Net, with zips, holes,laces and other kinds of kinks.

Maybe something a gigolo would wear.
Or someone who's partner likes such garments.

And I realised with a shock that there were stores and stores selling kinky underwear here.
So people must be buying it.
Either for personal or business use.

I mean 'its' obvious. There is nothing to be shocked about.
But I feel sad for the people who have to do this. Its the dark side.
It creeps me out.

I have been kept so protected from all of this.

xxx

Imagine the guys and girls who shoot for all these catalogues of kinky undergarments that are always put up in the changing rooms of these lokhandwala stores.

xxx

And to top it off, when I was coming home, I saw a father begger lecherously handling his daughter while the mother and children were sitting around.
He was touching and talking, not doing anything at that moment, but the look was lust-filled.
And the mother was observing him as if this was the natural way of things.

Ive once seen a young beggar girl having to pee pressed up against a wall on a busy road, while motorists whistled and passed comments. Where would she go?
What must be happening to her at night?
It breaks my heart.

Even a cow wont give birth in full public view, do you know? And these people.

But they still come to the city in hordes. Not the ones who have been born here obviously.
Food and freedom are better than privacy, they must think.

Aww.. thats really sweet Anando. Since im interpreting that as someone reads my blog.
Actually the 'Stats' application informs me that people do read my blog.. that too from all over the world.

But im sure that is true for all blogs.. from the macro perspective, there are a lot of bored people in the world.

It made me conscious of the rubbish I write. But as I have always maintained, I write solely for my benefit.. to complain, release stress and feel good.
I don't write to entertain or inform.
Still if someone wants to read it, good for them!

I mean, seriously, you are all good people.

xxx

Today I went to meet a friend who is a day-trader and private equity guy. I went to figure things out... see if I could learn from him.

I'll tell you my plan. I am waiting for the GIM shortlist which will be out in mid-april. If I get in I will take admission. No wait.. I won't tell you my plan.. because Im not entirely sure how it will affect my admission process.

xxx

Lets talk about Holi.
I didnt play Holi this yr coz I didn't feel like it. I'd gone out fri and sat night so I didnt feel like doing the social thing all over again. Also I didnt really have anyone on hand to go with. I could have done some networking and found someone, but as I mentioned earlier, I didn't feel like it.

There is a new principal at the BMC school. The BMC teachers tell me that she is very strict. Very particular about cleanliness and everything.
Thats a good thing, we shall all agree.

She instructed me to inform my class to 'Have a bath before coming to school one day after Holi. Not so obvious Malavika, we've had incidents.'

No bath after Holi!

Anyhow.. my kids have promised me.

xxx

Today someone tried to rob me.

I was on my way to Churchgate station in a cab, and my wallet was clutched in my hand as I had almost reached my destination.
This guy put his hand through the window and tried to grab it from me. I didnt let go and scratched him as hard as I could. He finally let go of it. Then the cab moved ahead and I didnt know whether to get off and chase him or not.
He looked high.. I was also a little scared of him.
My dad told me that I should have created a scene and people would have gathered and beat him up.
This is Mumbai.

My father also made me sterilize my hands.

It happened so quickly that even my cabbie didnt notice.
Even he told me that I should have called out.

Next time.

xxx

Im proud of myself for being better than the robber today.

I sensed that something was going to happen a nano-second before it did. Thats what made all the difference.

xxx

I went out to 'Aer' on Friday night. Its a lounge located on the 34th floor of the Four Seasons in Worli. It was nice. Loungey.. Im more of a clubbing person myself. I like to get drunk and dance. I can't stand around and talk.

We went to Polyesther's after Aer shut down. Its not happening anymore. I hate the word happenin', but in this case its so succint.
As I had expected, the crowd sucked. There were 'sad' people and 'sadder' foreigners.
Haha.. I just noticed how I separated people and foreigners. no offence. You know about these language technicalities.

I had a Jagermeister shot for the first time.
Oh ya, it was fun.

Id forgotten how much fun it is to be high.

xxx

On Saturday I went for a friends Holi Party at the Marriott!
It was held in the hall where well off people have their wedding receptions.

Lesser well off.

My friends parents had thrown the party. There were all these crazy flower decorations.. and the decor.. yes there was a decor.. was very pop art inspired contemporary.

Flowers, lanterns, pop art Durga pics and for some reason umbrellas. I didnt get the umbrellas. Water...Holi...yes.
But umbrellas is pushing it.

There were rose water and rose petal girls to welcome us as we walked in.

There was even this counter where you could go pick out a perfumed handkerchief for yourself. Something the event manager must have come up with to generate extra revenue. Something the hosts were bound to try out, on a lark.

I choose Khus. I was going for the opiate effects of Poppy, but the scent sucked. I should have taken Rose.

For all my socialist, left leaning friends, I would like to state that this creates jobs. The wealth of my friends was being distributed to other people. Atleast thats how I thinks it works.

xxx

I dont think i'll be able to afford my wedding reception at the Marriott. I mean we can have it if we want to.. but we dont have so much so as to waste money at the Mariott. I would have it some place else.

I am creating a new blog where I can write anonymously.

Yuck!

I cannot manage to get in to any institute.
I dont know how I will manage to get a job.

(Yes I just keep on saying only this again and again, because mostly I write to crib.. and this is the most crib-worthy aspect of my life, presently)

Fuck.

I just want to know where I am going.. get settled into some sort of cycle.
Because right now I feel absolutely worthles.. not a student.. not yet an employee.
Do you remember that Britney Spears song?

xxx

Anyhow.. How does one become a writer? Do I just write my story? Or is there any particular format?
And what to do about the embarassment??

See I shall only write about my life.. since its the only thing I can write truthfully about. And somehow.. whenever I sit to write a novel.. it sounds stupid to me.. and embarassing.

I can write about my anorexia.. ex-anorexia.. what went through my mind.. my inadequacies... How to deal with anorexics..
I don't think any of my counsellors, who were by the way supposed to be the best in the business.. knew how to deal with it effectively. I can give them tips.

Im not going to write about modelling coz there is nothing to say.. just lots of gossip.. no facts.

No Mica.
I won't even get a job when I want it, im sure.

Then what shud I do?
Get married?

Hurt S has reconciled. He has given me what I want.. to start off with.

Im not going to blog anymore... about personal things atleast.. about how I feel at a moment in time about certain people.
It puts me in trouble.
Sentiments get hurt.. ouch.

Hurt Sentiments should realise that if they would know about the worst in everyone's heads.. it might just be much much worse than mine.

xxx

Now I need something from Hurt S.


Hell if he doesn't want to get on, we wont.
Adaptation is the key to happiness.

It will really be quite frustrating to have to do this(MBA Prep) all over again. I know that many people keep on doing this year after year, so why should I be sheltered from it.

Im just thinking how difficult it will be to study and work, and then again I wont mostly get in. I will just try for foreign universities. That will be better, atleast I would get in. Although I don't know whether I can afford them.

And an MBA seems to be so necessary, yet im not getting in anywhere.

Should I really just do it from any college and get it over with?

And maybe I will get in somewhere good.

xxx

Im sad because its being implied that im very old. At my age people have years of work experience behind them. I have to say that I modelled. At my age people have established themselves.
I feel like some old misfit.

What if I get a good job. Maybe I can just do an executive MBA later?

Im like a fresher who is 24. It feels sick. I should have been 21.
It doesn't seem like a big deal to me, but its a big deal to everyone else.

They are probably thinking about when Im intending to get married then.

I don't mind getting married, but to whom?

xxx

I feel like I wanted things when I was young. Now I don't care about them. I don't even care about never being able to go abroad. The holiday gets over in a couple of days as it is.

But I think I need a family, especially children , else I will be quite bored. I mean there will be nothing in my life. Nothing to do.
And kids can make you so happy and they will give you some direction.

But I also need to work. And I also don't have anyone to marry.

xxx

What is the point of thinking about all of this?
Im just going to take it as it comes.
Like the tortoise.

UnSexy HeaT

Im quite upset with myself because im always feeling so tired and sleepy and low on energy. I used to be so active and work out a lot.
I think once I take up a full time job my schedules and body rhythms will iron themselves out.

Again I wonder, what it is that is so great about all of this, this life?
I mean its fine, you can keep on trying to find ways to make you happy.
I guess life feels better when you have a task at hand. Then you can pass your time trying to complete that task and feel a range of emotions during the process.

I mean I know what I can do to prevent myself from getting bored. I know how to have fun. But really, what is so very great about all of this?

Maybe what the ancient Hindu's said about the 4 stages of life was a brilliant solution.