Why is my percentile going down?

I only feel like writing when I am angry or sad. I use writing, much like I use people (apparently), as a means to my very personal end.

Which is why you may think I am an angry and sad person.

.. Actually that may even be a fair assesment.

I feel very angry.

Now my mother is again comparing me with my cousin. "She has 30 friends" who bought her a cake at 12a.m. on her birthday and also an extra cake at office. Wow.

"While you have not even one friend. You are very bad with people. You are bad with PR, thats why you never made it as a model."

I am really not bad at all with people I need to work with or meet casually. Im preety good infact.

"And I have one friend. D"

"No, your relationship with D and P is wierd," mother.

So I am angry. Because I don't like anyone else defining my relationship incorrectly so confidently.

It makes me so angry, when someone can state wrong facts about me to me, and no one will listen to my truth or believe it.

Thats why I am writing.
Because I am angry and sad.. otherwise I hate writing, and I hate everything, because I am angry.

I am royally screwed.
My percentile is burrowing in the muck, which means that everyone else is getting smarter while I am getting dumber.
I don't know what to do about it. I can't solve most of the math and date interpretation can be confusing.

It really does not matter anyway. So i'll go to a bad college.
That does not mean I will do badly at work.

I can go to a good college and do badly at work (and not buy my house).
I can go to my bad college and do badly at work.

So what?
I'll live.. i'll atleast earn Rs. 30,000 every month and go for a holiday once a year.
I'll watch movies.
I may get married, if I find someone.
I may have kids.
I may adopt kids.
Then i'll probably have to watch animated movies as well.

And live will go on.. and the same things will give me pleasure.. movies, books, sleeping in the afternoon, gardens, talk, children, etc..

Only I won't be able to brag about which college I went to or imply about how brilliant I am.
Which is sad, but what can I do.
I study.

So its really ok.

I won't even earn that much to start off with, but I don't have anything now, so what am I losing?

xxx

A paradox means living.
Knowing that there is no point and nothing that great but still not wanting to die.

It is all expectation's fault.
Hope.
Belief in magic, thinking that something amazing lies ahead.
Only day dreams are amazing.