Im really upset with myself. I am doing so badly at my CAT simulation tests. I guess I just don't have the aptitude. I guess i'll get in somewhere.. somewhere regular.
People are totally brilliant. Wow(for them).

You know mostly guys scored well. It could also be because there r more guys appearin for the exam than girls. I really need to buck up. Even now I should be studying rather than writing this.

xxx

Im also upset because I can't seem to stop putting on weight. It makes me paranoid. But I can't control it anymore. Its embarassing to say this. But I feel much better when I face my pimples.

Speaking of which, I have them. 2. I mean, i've never had pimples and they must go. Im giving them one week or i'll head to my dermalotogist. He's amazing. He makes everything normal in two's days worth of medicines.

xxx

I had a strange and disturbing dream. Oflate i've been getting pretty vivid dreams.
I know I should have never heard the Jonestown tapes. You know, of the church in S. America where the Rev. instructed all his followers to commit mass suicide by drinking kool-aid laced with cyanide.
After giving it to their babies and parents.

Screw You-tube.

So I dreamt that im in a house, penthouse.. its raining outside.. a girl comes running through the waist high water. Someone is chasing her.

What has happened?

There was a party....
Everybody's tripping.
Everyone's is drinking something laced with LSD.

The party thrower talks about how the world sucks. People suck. How its better to be dead than to be alive in "this" world.. etc etc.

Everyone hails him.
He's like we don't need them, we don't need this world.
YES!! says everyone.

"Which is why, i've laced the drink with cyanide. There is nothing sweeter than dying with your friends. There is nothing sweeter than dying in your prime."

Everyone is horrified. Now they are screaming. Now there is a stampede.
His henchmen force drinks down everyone's throats.

Im afraid that the girl who's escaped and has come running to my house will fall down dead.
I am afraid that he's followed her here.

I turn on the TV for the Breaking News.
There is a reporter at the scene.
People lie dead and blue around him.
I can sense that they r people I now.
Laser Lights and leopards.
He has chained leopards.
They can't find him. He's run sway.
Where, here?

See he just wanted to hurt people. He wanted to kill people.. to feel powerful.

A chill run through my spine.
Will he come here?

The reporter's r now telling us about all the famous people who have died at the party.
One of them is the model who recently committed suicide.
So this is how she died, I think. (Was my dream a metaphor?)

I could feel him coming.

xxx

The dreams shows how mentally disturbed I am.
Its pathetic.
It also displays my mistrust of people.

Chemicals dehumanize. It scares me.
Mobs. Jailors.
The lucifer effect.
Damien.

We are they.
Can you imagine?