I have stopped going to work as i felt that i was ignoring my studies, but i wonder if i am just lazy.
Laziness is one of my biggest fears because it entails being left behind..

If u go to see, this is "The Life" that im leading right now. Early retirement. I should enjoy it. I like to study and learn things. I love taking in a lot of information, passively. BBut what am i going to do about all of it.

Learning is fun and easy. Its application thats tough and consuming.
But i shall not be lazy or lax.

xxx

Yesterday I was walking to a talk on Darwin and Evolution when I heard someone talking to me.
A few steps.
Oh yes, definately to me, or would he have said.. "Bahut patli ho gayi ho. Khati nahi ho?"

I turned.
There is this disgusting beggar, or servant, drunk or stoned, looking like he has just woken up from napping on the beach in a haystack.
At high tide.

Stoned.. with white ink.. like the others on the beach. Maybe.

How dare he.. how dare he pass judgement.. how dare he speak to me.
I could cry.
He thought i was his equal.
Fuck you, don't expect me to be humanistic right now.

This is why i hate people.
This is why power is a commonly sought after oasis.
Power.. to control people.. and what they say and do around u.
Power to shut up.. to control.. to play god.

How could he speak to me?
Yes, we are all disciples of Manu.

Anyway I told him to get lost.. in a voice loud enough to make passerbys stop.
He took it to be an invitation to chat, like some long lost friend.
And then he's like "Gussa aa gaya. Please thapad do na. Please ek baar thapad do. Pleeeeeeeeease."

"Are you angry? Then slap me. Please slap me, just once," said the scrouge, smiling.
Fucking shit.

"Kachre ko koi haath lagata hai kya, ki main tumhe haath laga oon gi."

" Like does anyone touch garbage? That u think i would touch u," I responded, obviously influenced by the garbage bins i was standing next to.

But he kept on saying please.
And i finally just walked off.. and he followed me for a bit.. but then i entered a shop.. and finally stopped looking at him so i don't know whether he followed me further on.

Thats stupid.. i acted like a bloody ostrich. Mumbai Mirror would have u believe such incidents are dangerous.

Why bother? I won'tknow when something bad is going to happen.

My mother said it was because i wore a spagetti top.
Everything is my fault obviously.
xxx

I want to be.. what i was atleast.
I am not past my prime, I will show her.

xxx

Marriage.
I feel i will just be rejected anyway.
Like my mother said that if i were to go for an audition now i would be rejected because i am thin.
And i know it.
Its the truth.

But only my arms are thin and i can't do a thing about it. I can't direct the mass in my body. Everything always goes to the legs. Its in the family.

So.. but trust me, i will be even better than what i ever was. Because its just a game isn't it.. and we are used to trying to get to the next level. Unless we give in to gravity.