Ok.. so i'll explain my current position in life.

Now HE's back. I only msgd HIM.
See.. why have an ego?
Then he asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friends.
I could not go as I had a class.
Mind you.. if I really wanted to go I could go. But I was sorta tired and I had not blow dried my hair and.. ya basically I did not like the way my hair was falling. So I did not go.
And suddenly I felt ok. I felt like its not like he doesnt want to meet me because im not attractive. Yes!!!

So this means.. that im not like crazy into him. (Told you)
Because I didnt go.

Then again, many days later, I only messaged.. why not.. BB kis liye laya??
I mean not for him.. but to be connected to my social network right?
Like BBM is basically for people who are too shy to sms other people. BBMing people you dont know really well is socially acceptable. Thats why it sells.

Anyway.. so I only msgd him.
In my defense he's a serious working type..who might have been too much into his work and all.. so why not. (And he was like really busy with a seminar)
He asked me to come out with his friends for dinner.
With friends.
We've never actually gone out alone.
I don't know why.
But.. that would be like a date. Thats why. And he musn't be interested in a relationship/fling/romance. So why go on a date? Instead, hanging out is better.

Its fine by me. Im not in love. I just like attention.. I guess you would say I have low self esteem. So say what you want!

Ya, I feel insecure.

But its fine. We go out. I don't even know if I want something more. This is so comfortable. We're free, still we have company.
There is nothing physical.
Anyway ive decided to become a prude. These guys will anyway leave the likes of me for an arranged match. So im going to be this touch me not. Like im not some hobby you take up (with) for some time.
Im pain and commitment.

So we're friends. Which is fine.. comfortable.
Its funny the more time you spend with a person, the more attractive you tend to find them. I mean those persons you're not instantly attracted to.
Im good now. Seriously.
I will focus on my career.

But I felt like i share a space where i feel very comfortable. And I get attached. Too soon. Like some child.
But I know i'll be ok anyhow.

xxx

By the way any guy who wants to get a chick can just do this. Play hot and cold. Women feel very insecure.

Please love me SIBM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Just got done with GD/PI)
What an amazing campus! I felt like I was abroad.
Great architecture.

Everything was fine except when the interviewer asked me to draw graphs pertaining to economics from way back in coll in 2007.
I got confused.. but I tried. I think I made a big mess of it.
And im usually so good with my oratory but I was stuttering.

Still I hope they liked me. Im different. I hope that they could see that. And that they could see that im bright.

I know.. obviously everyone who got a call for the interview is bright.
Shit.

I am sure the new rules of virtual etiquette do not require me to accept ugly guys from school as my friends.

(God please do not punish me for that)

Arre, most of my kids don't have a bath before coming to school!

I understand that the toilets are terrible but I wish their parents would instill the habit.
They may get skin ailments and discolourations.

Why don't they want to be clean??

Did not even manage to get a call for a GD from SP Jain.
They must have not liked my profile, wanting people with work experience or something.

But they had a profile list for that.. must be the same people with a few additions.

I come from a different background. They think that I will not be at the same level as the rest of the class.

Its sad. But its a bad streak thats been going for me.
I don't know where i'll get in.

Not NM. I won't get a call. Im not even sure of SIBM now with my bad streak.
I don't rationally believe in bad streaks.. but irrationally i do feel that they occur.

Everything is going absolutely badly.
I suppose i will get in somewhere with cet.
And my parents said that i have to do it from anywhere.
And thats the best thing.. because why should i get in next yr?
Ive already done well in cat and im not getting admission anywhere.
Why will i get in next yr?

Oh shit.. this is bad.

Everyone is seeing someone or getting married.
And i am being ignored.
Its not a worthy complaint.

xxx

I find myself checking my phone expectantly everytime i receive an sms. I imagine myself getting one, and then its like my fears will be unwarranted, and ill be fine and happy.

xxx

See dear friends, see how its about my fears and not him.
(objective Malu)

Reflect on your own longing.

My friend is getting married while I have to face apathy.
Thats an unfair statement because I may have many things that she may not.
And vice versa.
But the fact that im dwelling on this news means that it means something to me.

Im not saying I want to get married.
If I get married, it will be lovely. Until I know its lovely, i'll wait.

I should not think that something is the matter with me.
Like I hope not anyway.

I know I will be fine.
Marriage is not perfect either.

See the thing is, as it is I don't get any sort of relationship with anyone, even if i want to.
I don't know why, but its how its always been.

And its fine. But it just feels like being the odd one out.
Will it be like everyone will get married and i'll be the old unmarried friend who comes alone to parties.

Not that she is unhappy. And not that her friends are happier.
But she's just the odd one out.

xxx

But why does he suddenly not want to meet me?
Did I do something?
I did who I was.

I can't message him. Remember how i think of those who keep on messaging me even though i deliberately never reply.

Im those people to him probably.
Suddenly.
Or maybe since a while, and i just failed to notice.

xxx

The last to last time I was fascinated with someone, he got married, and i wasn't even invited.
Im sure 'present he' will also get married. I heard he was engaged once, and i will here about it from friends.
And i will say 'Oh really, I didn't know that'

Friend-'He didn't tell you?'

'No, we're not in touch.'

'But I thought you were friends.'

'No.. I mean not off late.'

xxx