The pattern.. the pattern.. is that when I go for prasad.. is when the dancing darshan concludes... which is why they r in line with me..

xxx

So im contemplating whether I should go for the evening darshan as well.. why not.. I don't have anything better to do anyway.. Im not allowed to go anywhere...

xxx

I totally forgot to mention.. do u know who told me he loves me on valentine's day.. bang at 12a.m.???
A married man.. ofcourse..
I didn't reply.. ofcourse.. even his wife is my friend..
The next day he told me that was a mistake.. ofcourse
He was only drunk..ofcourse

xxx

My father got me sondesh yesterday as I have been craving it. Gur sondesh.. i had requested.
Its because i'd read somewhere that sondesh has only 50 calories per piece.. but while eating it I was not so sure.. that estimate has to be wrong.
So I feel extremely guilty about eating 2+1/2.. and sheera.. and toblerone.. and chocolate ice-cream.
I am becoming a lazy glutton.. I must not develop bad habits!

xxx

I take care of my nurse I think...
But she gave me a back massage yest.. it was good..

xxx

I enrolled for CAT classes yest.. at IMS.
Everyone tells me IMS is good.. but then why does the place look so shady.. I feel uncomfortable.

I hope they teach well and that I do well.

xxx

Some more friends came to visit me yest. My father has allowed me to go with them for a film.. because they are older.. actually the friends of mine with kids my age..
So atleast I get to go watch a film.. yay! We're thinking Teen Patti!

xxx

The carvings in temples must also be really intricate as its a place where the same people are gonna be coming everyday.. and they must have new things to look at.. otherwise how bored they will get.. right?..

I think I love the cute devoted devotee.. whom the Korean was hitting on..
He's so.. so.. pretty.. im sure he gets hit on a lot by the older pujari's.

So today they gave us kheer for prasad instead of the usual rava sheera.. i suppose its a special thing.. anything becomes rare and desirable by virtue of scarcity.. its a human psychological tendency.. anyway..
So we were all in cue today.. around the prasad today.. the pretty boy.. s.american.. my friend the prasad giver who was not giving the prasad today..

Chaos and randomness.. there are no patterns.. only these here pattern locating minds of ours.. these same stupid minds that we so flaunt..

Only chaos and no sense.. realise it.. accept this.. before you cry.. cry at ur helplessness

Today is ekadashi, so no Rava Sheera as prasad. Instead we got a green banana each.

They change the outfits of the deities everyday. Makes sense. Everyday the devotees must have something new to see... otherwise it gets boring. Thats why you need such intricate embroidery.. you need to see something different when you are coming everyday. The idols are the same.. so the dresses and the patterns on them must be different. Otherwise how can you stare at the idols for so long?

xxx

Someone.. a devotee volunteer... has left his cell phone on an unattended table and gone off. Only in a temple do you see sights such as these. What faith!

xxx

The Korean is definitely gay. He chose to go and dance right next to the cutest devotee. Cutest because even I think he is cutest. I noticed him.. some days ago. He's young, pretty and so into the devotion you know.
He doesn't look at anyone else.. he only thinks religious thoughts.. you can make out. Thats why I liked him. So dedicated.. so honest.. in a sense.

So korean was holding his hand and dancing. See!

xxx

I again got blessed three times with the golden crown.

xxx

Yesterday my father caught me walking on the beach in the morning. Caught me because I am not supposed to walk. I am not supposed to burn calories.
I did not go to burn calories and lose weight.. how can a little walking do that. I just went to see new things and breath fresh air. But its not allowed. Its annoying.. but eventually it will be allowed so i'll wait. I can ask my dad again after a couple of days. Its boring you know. I am in the habit of waking up really early.. round about 5-6 am.. so what to do then?

Today I did not want to risk going to the beach since I was just caught yesterday. So I spent my time reading Burton Malkiel's book on investing. Its not the same.

Its annoying.. but it is what it is. I must just wait for it to pass.

xxx

By the way I got permission for attending CAT classes. Good its something to do. I will study hard. I want to do my MBA. Its good.. its a stable career choice.

xxx

I don't know if my dad had gone for a walk himself on the beach.. or was just checking up on me..

xxx

I made my nurse give me a head and shoulder massage. Both of us were happy. Me with the massage.. which was pretty good.. and her for finally getting to do something. She doesn't have any work to do besides observing me. She said that she will give me a massage everyday. Good. I've always wanted a personal masseuse. I feel rich.. you know... private masseuse..

xxx

The pujari's outfits look like Roman togas.. strangely.

Today the s.american guy chose to go and eat prasad as I was heading for it.. and hung around after devouring. I don't know what the protocol is about relationships and affairs in Hare Krishna. A lot of the devotees are married with families.. but I guess like the main ones must have to be celibate... I don't know. Its usually the way... you have to be single and only look inward and concentrate on yourself.. not anyone else... thats the reasoning im guessing.

Today I got lots of prasad as my friend was back.

xxx

Im beginning to eat more as I know that I have to put on weight.. and this.. present frame is not looking good..
I need to enroll for those CAT classes.
I need my holiday.
I have this beautiful white Roberto Cavalli backless dress.. that needs a back without the spinal cord jutting out.. so..

Today that s.american looking guy who looks at me smiled at me. But he's not that cute.

The prasad giver was different.. not my friend.. he gave less prasad. But HEy.. I got blessed... thrice!

xxx

I am beginning to appreciate the colour gold.
I am beginning to like it.

There's nothing quite grand like it.
Gold is gold.

Like you may say its so like fuddy-duddy.. or "so Sindhi," but its got "effect."

It makes for spectacle. And you must have spectacle.

xxx

I like ISKCON because it transports you to another land.. like "Disneyland" does. You feel like you're some sundry subject in some medieval kings fiefdom.. like going to the temple. Its fun.

As usual, I am tres irritated by any disturbances in my schedule.
The new nurse has come today.. mostly I am ignoring her. Anyway its not like I am supposed to keep her entertained.

I just came home from ISKCON. Today I understood the meaning of Blessing.
Today the pujari took a conical golden crown and blessed us all by capping it over our heads. I got 3 turns at it. Whoa.

We even got the watery prasad.. the kheer like thing.
"Why don't they do this everyday?" I ask my aunt.
"They do do it everyday. But whenever we have been coming the Life Member puja has been on so we've had to miss out on it."

The special Life Member Pooja is a special pooja for life members on their birthdays. They get a special cordoned off area in front of the main deity.. Rasbihariji.. and special attention from the Pujari.

Anyway coming back to blessing. What is blessing?
Blessing has a sub-concious psychological effect on the Blessee. Thats the importance of it.

People get blessed. They believe they are blessed.. especially if they get the turn of the crown thrice. They exit the temple feeling good, blessed and lucky. They believe that they will have a blessed and lucky day. And generally they have a better day.. because they feel lucky.. they see blessings along the path. Then they think the pujari ji's touch worked and they go back the next day. Its a positive feedback loop.. any anyway the prasad is yummy.

So all this makes sense and it quite smart and important. Its a really good strategy to make masses happier. And generally life is good.. to a larger extent.

We really underestimate rituals.

Is it abnormal to constantly want to drink coffee?
I love coffee. If I have a choice between ingesting something X or coffee, I will never pick X. I will pick both.. but never only X. That is a bad habit.. but I don't have the strength to break it. Coffee is so nice...

Today I am kinda bored. My uncle wants to take me to Singapore for a holiday in May.. I hope the psychologist allows me. She will if I gain weight.. so its like motivation.

Anyway now I am not averse to putting on some weight because I am not allowed to do anything... I can't even go for a film.. can't go out with friends.. can't party (theoretically).. so what is the point. I want to put on some weight now so that I can do things.

(At this point I take a double coffee break)

I want to join CAT classes.. I hope that my psychiatrist allows me.

I went to my cousin's for extended lunch on Sunday. I ate pizza! and fried stuff! and normal pepsi! normal.. non diet..

I felt good.. normal... i eat more when I am out with others and even enjoy it more...

These cousins are married.. with small kids... this is what life is.. we complicate it. Why debate marriage... normalcy.. its nice.. comfy.. fun..

"Life is for enjoying," my uncle always tells me. "Relax.. career and all will work itself out."

xxx

Some friends are coming to meet me today evening.. school friends. First set of friends/friend to visit me since I got back 6 days ago.

Would I visit me sooner if I were my friend?

Its a mystery...

Oh and today morning I met this guy from my school.. who's a doctor!
Amusingly my mother mentioned him when I told her I want to date a doctor. "Even his mother like you."

Yes, she does.

He's cute. He was going to the gym. Thats good. He has some free time before his post-grad course starts. So that's of interest.

I don't get out of the perimeter of my bungalow you know.

And guess what... I actually have the time to sense stimuli. I have sensed much more than I have in a long time.. because I have the time. Because I am relaxed. Because I am not thinking about the future and success.

I'll just make sure that I look good.. and then life is anyway pretty fun.
Money I had wanted so that I could travel. I still want.. I'll get. But fun and adventure is everywhere.. even inside Rane House.

Human beings need routines. Otherwise we don't know what to do with ourselves, we overdo, underdo, get psychological problems. We are to follow. Thats what we are meant to do.. we are to follow. Like birds learning to fly.. like lions learning to hunt. We follow.

Individualism... Humanism... sound nice.. like the new video i-pod. Why would u want to watch a movie on that screen? But its the latest so you have to have it.

My routine begins with visiting the ISKCON temple every morning with my Grandfather's cousin sister.
You know what religion is... its spectacle.. you must have spectacle.
They didn't have movies.. they didn't have much to entertain themselves with at that technological stage.. but they had religion.
It was fun... it was grand... it was nice to look at.

In the olden days you had a lot of time.. you needed to have "customs and rites" all complex to pass it. After all life is passing time interestingly.

So you did your circles and procedures.. passed time.. had fun seeing the decorations.. met people.. made friends.. felt networked.. felt close to humanity as all of url were together doing the same thing.

Community.. community is important. Imagine the days when we lived in huts and there were wild animals around. Hell you wanted community.. you did not want to be pottering about alone somewhere with a jaguar around.. you wanted to be with the community.

I really enjoy going to ISKCON every morning. They have so much fun dancing. The music is also good. It is as much fun as most parties i've been to. But its mostly the guys who are dancing.. the women sway a bit. The guys do good cardio in the morning. If I were male I would be dancing with them.

After that they tell stories. Our epics are entertainment. They were stories that people had fun relating to each other. Its still fun listening to them.

So I get my dose of routine, I get my dose of spectacle. I get my stories.. I get yummy prasad.. for free. Its a good outing.. and that was the point. That is the point of religion. Only people who think that they are modern intellectuals complicate it.. they do not understand it.. they are confused fools. With video i-pods.

I see some people there everyday. Everyday I add information to their unformed story in my head.

The baggage screener.. who does not look at the screen.. but the people walking in.
The young man who stares at me each day.
The white haired old aunty in knit white booties and a knit white sweater over white kurta pyjama who sits on a white plastic chair distributing flowers and garlands. My aunt touched her feet, so I touched her feet. The first day she moved her feet and I did not like her. Today she asked my aunt if I was her daughter and smiled a lot. She even put a garland around my neck.. she does not do that to anyone. I touched her feet. I like her a little more now.

The man praying Hare Krishna in the outside corridor.

The devotee in white kurta and lungi.

The korean with dreadlocks.. also in white kurta and lungi. Who gave money smilingly to the drunk smoking charas outside my gate.. thinking he was a sadhu or something. Peter the drunk was bemused indeed.

I think the korean is gay. He was nicely having fun holding hands and dancing with the other gay boys. Many are gay, im sure of it.

There was this good looking foreigner also.. but I didn't see him today.

My friend from next door.

The prasad giver. He's my friend now.. sort of. And I get extra prasad. He told me to eat a lot.

xxx

And Libbi (the new nurse).. it was Libbi, not Limbu. Libbi, Littu, Rinci, Alic, yes without the e, Smitha...

Libbi settled in just fine..

I got discharged today. Its been EXACTLY 4 weeks. It did me good.. I needed the hospitalisation. I feel more normal now. I think I eat more normal food. But I am still so scared of putting on weight. I am scared that it will all spiral out of control.. that I will put on too much weight.. and not have anything envious or special. I know that only I think this is anything envious or special. Its not. Its ugly.. I am sure.

So I am not allowed to get out of my house at all... except when I go for counseling to the psychologist's clinic.

I am to have a nurse, Maria, who has dealt with several cases such as mine. She is to monitor me constantly. I cannot cheat. I will definitely put on weight... my parents are going to force me to eat fattening things.

I am just making this hard for myself... I should just be enjoying this. Eating good food. But then I won't be good anymore. I'll be average.. I'll have what everyone else has.. not anything special.

Its a weird way of thinking.. I even know that.. but its a weird place im in.

Security on the 9th floor, my floor, at the hospital is this intimidating lady guard. "Im getting discharged today. Im going home," I tell her. "But why?" she says. "Because people need to leave the hospital," to go to homes... of several kinds.
"Its feels odd. I don't want you to go. You must come and visit me when you come to meet your doctor at the OPD."
"Of course."

My brother drew a card that I gave to the staff. The staff if really good.. young, friendly and good looking. Most of the nurses were Keralite. The house-keeping and janitors were mostly Maharashtrians. This is why we have rental space for SS and MNS.

I will miss them.

I am not even allowed to go for a movie with my parents or out for lunch.. as yet.
Its what it is.
Its what it is...

My new room-mate in the hospital is from Tanzania. Except for Simba,(meaning lion.. really.. in Swahili)the son-in-law, no one speaks english. Therefore the nurses speak to them in Hindi. "They don't understand either, so what difference does it make."

My mother told the psychologist that I seem to be uncomfortable with them. I think she was uncomfortable. Indians are scared of Africans. I am quite comfortable except for the dirty toilet seat. Simba is very smiley.

There is a new nurse, Limbu or something, I will check her name on her ID tag when she comes tomorrow. Like most of the other nurses here she is from Kerala and has never been out of the state before this. I told her that it will all be fine, she is going to be in the hospital mostly.

I went around at lunch time to see how she was doing. I told her to go for lunch. I know how scary and bad you feel being in a strange new place where you can't even speak the language. She was really nervous. The only problem with her is that her english is not very good. I guess she will pick up.

I should be sent back home on thu/fri. Its been over 3 weeks. Not many friends came to visit. Maybe they don't know and if they do, don't care. I do not matter much. I have not been successful in creating a network of friends who deem me important enough. That is bad for networking. Friends are one thing, very important, but even acquaintances must at least think that you are important enough to visit. But I am not. I have no power. The only place I could exert power and control was over the weighing scale. I am master of it.

I am going to be fine. I love eating. I am really enjoying food. I am waiting for prince charming to take me to a nice, expensive place for dinner, where the food is presented well.

I was thinking, I want Prince C to be a doctor, specialist.. maybe neurosurgeon. Doctor is good. I like the type who have studied hard at some point. Businessmen do too much "jhol."

A scientist also would be fun, but my father said that they do not make much money. And they should not be odd or ungroomed you know.